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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I'll Never Forget


When I was struggling with infertility, I remember feeling left behind when my TTC sisters would get pregnant. It always seemed like they’d forgotten the pain and moved on…while I was still sitting in the same place with empty arms. I hated that feeling.

I want you to know that I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget the agony and heartache of infertility. I’ll never forget the sobbing can’t-catch-your-breath tears and sleepless emotional nights. I’ll never forget the difficult decisions and deep sorrow after each loss. I’ll never forget the fear in the pit of my stomach…fear that I would never know the love that exists between a mother and her child and never find happiness again. I’ll never forget the darkness that existed during the longest six years of my life. And I’ll never forget those of you who are still in the trenches… trying month after month to conceive your miracle babies.

The truth is that I’ve had a hard time finding my voice in this space lately. My past posts were all born out of my sorrow and struggle. Pain inspires more than happiness. I haven’t written because I don’t want this space to become “just another mommy blog”. Lord knows there are enough of those out there already.

I still intend to share my journey through motherhood. However, I feel compelled to continue to be a part of this community. To be a cheerleader. A dear friend. Maybe even a beacon of hope for some of you who feel alone and are on the verge of giving up on your dreams.

A very wise friend said to me the other day, “you have to find the way to keep writing because your blog isn’t about you.”

Say what? It’s not.

“No, he said. It’s bigger than that. It is about your readers. And they still need you to write and offer your perspective as someone who’s endured so much and overcome a huge obstacle in your life.”

So at 5AM, I’m sitting in my dark bedroom, stealing the only free moments of my day to write. To tell you…. you are not alone. You will find happiness again. There is a baby monitor beside me and I’m waiting for a little boy to cry for me. ME! His mommy. 

There were so many days and nights that I worried this day would never come. But it has. It’s real. This is my life. The dirty diapers. The pumping and feeding. Juggling work and family. Drying his tears and reveling in his smiles. Everything we went through to get here was worth it because he is our world.

My plea to you is not to give up. Your sunshine could be just around the next bend. Keep going. After each failure, I wanted to give up. Throw in the towel. To crawl under my covers and never come out. But I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. Through prayer and determination, I hope that all of you who want to become mommies are able to achieve your dreams.

Baby dust to all of you!

35 comments:

Melissa Long said...

Well said!

Amie said...

This is such a sweet and heartfelt post. I definitely think you should keep blogging because your story didn't end at infertility, it continues on with your sweet boy. What a cutie he is!!

Kayla P said...

This is a great post. I want to toss in the towel in several times and people like you have encouraged me to keep going in this journey.

Stephanie said...

Thank you! This is my first time commenting - but I have been following for awhile. We've been trying for 2 1/2 years but I have been pretty private about it and just barely started to share more vocally. Your words are perfect and exactly what I needed to hear this week, it's been a rough one.

Cristy said...

Feel the same way on so many levels. Sending hugs to you too.

Elisha Kearns said...

Love this! Thank you so much for sharing your heart girl...even if it was at 5am :)

Jessica Elyse @ Memoirs of a Mommy said...

Love this! Don't stop writing and encouraging. It is a struggle to figure out that balance. I am trying to figure it out now. Hard to want to shout the excitement to the world, but also know the pain it causes and the hurt you felt for so many years. If you find the balance, let me know. :)

Caroline @ In Due Time said...

so sweet and good hearing from you! I really do hope you continue writing and sharing!! You are so loved in this community!

Mrs. Southern Mama said...

OMG girl.. this made me sooo emotional to read. I feel the same way. I was crying in the car earlier (in a drive through, of all place), just sobbing because in the backseat, with the sight through the rear-view mirror, I saw my baby girl SMILING at nothing. She was just happy as a clam. I kept thinking, "thank you SO much, Jesus". I will never ever ever take being a mama for granted. And it's obvious that you won't either. Praise Jesus for our miracles! And I am continuing to prayer for other women who are still waiting for their miracle baby. XO

Northern Star said...

Brings tears to my eyes to remember the lonely days when we found each other... And now here we are at the end of our rainbow. So beautiful to hear from you again!

JoJo said...

Beautifully written Jessah! Although our lifes may seem as we have forgotten its the total opposite. Like you I will never forget how we got here & try my best tonsupoort those who are still in the trenches.

Dawn said...

Thank you for posting this, Jessah! Stories like yours give me hope, but it's always nice to be reminded that we're not forgotten and you're still cheering us all on.

Nikki said...

Reading your post brought back a rush of emotions. I'm so glad that we're both on the other side, but you definitely do not forget the road to getting here. There were so many times I wanted to give up and lose hope, miracles do happen. xoxo

Ms. Conceptions said...

Your post could not have been more timely for me sweet friend.

Anonymous said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Your friend is right, we all still need your words and inspiration. Thank you for sharing your deepest emotions with us, it means more to me right now than I can express.

Krystal Sullivan said...

Yes! You have to keep writing. I had the same thought once I had Jordan... should I keep writing in my blog, which was once about infertility and baby loss? I didn't want it to become mommy blogging. But so many people told me that it gave them hope. That is what you are doing here, and it is inspirational. Glad to see an update from you and that all is well!

Aubrey said...

So beautiful Jessah!

Gypsy Mama said...

So beautiful. I can definitely relate.

Desirae said...

This brought me to tears. I am still deep in the trenches are your past is totally my present. Thanks for writing what I definitely needed to hear. You're SUCH an inspiration to the TTC community and I always reference your story on my blog! Xo

Amber said...

I'm not sure that anyone ever really forgets that has suffered the infertility road. I know I haven't, even though I don't write much about it anymore. It would appear that my blog is one that became another mommy blog. I keep writing (barely) because I know when I was struggling, it really helped and inspired me to read the success stories. It always made me so sad to follow along through their journeys, only to have their story come to an abrupt end once they brought their beautiful babies into the world. I was happy for them of course, but I was invested in their success story. I admire you so much for the big heart that you have for people Jessah. I admire that you are such a big voice for infertility, and offer so much love and support to those still struggling. It's always good to read a post from you, no matter what it is about!

Elizabeth Forrest Lambert said...

Beautifully written.

Anonymous said...

Thank you ♡ from Austria!!

Kala Hoover said...

You are a great person and every single one of your readers needs your encouragement and words of wisdom. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much from the black Forest in Germany! It means more than I can express!
Elisabeth

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. Ad I wait, I'm also feeling that those who got their miracle have forgotten about the rest of us. Your post just gave me the determination I need. Thank you so much! You rock!

Beth and Harrison said...

So well written. I feel the exact same way and I too have struggled with posting, I have a few posts sitting in my drafts that I just keep hesitating on posting because I too still want to be involved in this wonderful community and don't want to seem like I am flaunting my success and motherhood when so many amazing girls are still fighting.

Tasia Nobles said...

Thank you for this encouraging posts. I needed to see something like this. Keep us ladies who are still having trouble in your prayers that we too might one day get to hold our precious little miracle babies and not only that but give them back to our Lord GOD.��

TheGirlWhoTakesOutTheTrash said...

Stumbled across your blog and this post and it is everything I needed to read right now. Your friend is right and I'm so thankful for your beautiful words.

ADSchill said...

Very heartfelt words Jessah. I am right there with you. It's so much work and failure, but we make it happen don't we?

Jenn said...

During my journey and before I deleted my blog I followed your journey. I am now a mother (finally) and blogging again, but I agree. It never goes away and I always feel that sting for those who still have to endure the pain!

Missy's Joys said...

I love this. I needed to read this. You have inspired me to not rule out egg donor if needed one day. It gives me continued hope that I too will be called by the cries one day.

Frei said...

Thanks for that... It's nice to know that even though you've found your happiness you're here for us. I've been struggling with fertility problems for a while now. After our 1st IVF cycle I immediately became pregnant. Unfortunately we lost our baby boy Noah when I was 18wks pregnant... Now we have to start all over again. I am scared and not sure how I will do this, but its great to read that there is someone rooting for us. Thanks

Kate said...

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.

Kristen Johnson said...

This is a great post and describes my feelings to a T. Thanks for sharing your journey I hope that my journey eventually ends like yours. :)

Kristen Johnson
http://faithandinfertility.com/

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