my hubby is at work on both friday and saturday (gone for 48 hours straight) which always sucks. it means that i don't get any time with him on my two days off and i am alone all weekend.
the house is eerily quiet. i listen to the hum of the refrigerator and the sound of my knife on the cutting board. i stand alone in my kitchen after work, cutting vegetables for dinner. dinner for one. i glance towards the living room and wonder what it would feel like to hear little feet running down the hallway. or to look over and see a baby kicking her feet in her swing while i prepare this meal.
i think of k frequently. and i take a deep breath and soak in the emptiness that i feel so that when our lives are full (because i believe they will be) that I will draw grace and patience from this dark place in my toughest moments of being a mom. because i know the alternative to being up all night with a crying baby is sleeping all night and waking up to more quiet. the flip side of running around juggling baths, dinner and playtime after a hard day's work is nothingness.
481 miles away, k begins her stim injections.
she'll be sticking herself with needles so that we might have a child. so we could know what it is like to snuggle our baby in bed in the morning. or hear a little giggle when reading a bedtime story. k knows these small joys and understands how they will enhance our lives and she wants that for us.
i still don't know what i did to deserve her but i'm eternally grateful.
the silence is too much. the absence of family is so strong this evening.
and i feel guilty for my melancholy mood because we are so close. but i can't help it. i feel like the loneliest girl in the world tonight. but i don't believe it is permanent. i truly believe in my heart that our family will be complete because of God's grace and Him bringing k into our lives.