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Friday, July 4, 2014

alone and reflective

my hubby is at work on both friday and saturday (gone for 48 hours straight) which always sucks. it means that i don't get any time with him on my two days off and i am alone all weekend. 

the house is eerily quiet. i listen to the hum of the refrigerator and the sound of my knife on the cutting board. i stand alone in my kitchen after work, cutting vegetables for dinner. dinner for one. i glance towards the living room and wonder what it would feel like to hear little feet running down the hallway. or to look over and see a baby kicking her feet in her swing while i prepare this meal. 

i think of k frequently. and i take a deep breath and soak in the emptiness that i feel so that when our lives are full (because i believe they will be) that I will draw grace and patience from this dark place in my toughest moments of being a mom. because i know the alternative to being up all night with a crying baby is sleeping all night and waking up to more quiet. the flip side of running around juggling baths, dinner and playtime after a hard day's work is nothingness. 

481 miles away, k begins her stim injections.
she'll be sticking herself with needles so that we might have a child. so we could know what it is like to snuggle our baby in bed in the morning. or hear a little giggle when reading a bedtime story. k knows these small joys and understands how they will enhance our lives and she wants that for us. 
i still don't know what i did to deserve her but i'm eternally grateful.

the silence is too much. the absence of family is so strong this evening.
and i feel guilty for my melancholy mood because we are so close. but i can't help it. i feel like the loneliest girl in the world tonight. but i don't believe it is permanent. i truly believe in my heart that our family will be complete because of God's grace and Him bringing k into our lives.


28 comments:

Jessica said...

I believe it too, and can't WAIT to celebrate your good news with you when you announce your pregnancy:) The silence won't be for long, sweet girl. Hang in there just a bit longer!

Lanie said...

I can relate to that feeling. When my husband traveled for work before we had Ever, the silence was deafening. And the ache was so a strong. And talking to you 1:1, I think you have such a realistic expectation of how much life will change after your baby is here, and you will, like you said draw on those lonely times to get you through pumping, washing bottles, packing diaper bags for daycare. But gosh, you will feel a sense of purpose in your life like never before.

I had the luxery of being induced, whih I didn't think so at the time, but since I knew what time I entered the hospital, I spent the while day watching chick flix, painting my toenails, napping. Soaking up my last moments before motherhood began. Whenever times get tough, I always think back to that day, an remember I had my time. I had way too much time! :)

This is so exciting you guys are beginning! What seemed insurmountable had become totally doable, and is happening.

Also, lord knows I watch the baby during marks training in the evenings sometimes, so if you ever want to go to dinner in a Friday or Saturday, he owes me some nights! :)

Brianna said...

Keeping you in my heart this weekend.

Aubrey said...

I am so happy that you still believe - that you have so much bravery, courage, hope and faith deep within you to not have given up. I, too, believe that you WILL be a mom and that this silence that you're experiencing right now... it will be long gone and the beautiful sound of a crying baby will fill your house and your soul with so much joy!

Emily said...

I feel like I can't read your blog without crying lately, but in a good way, because they are tears of JOY! I know you are still feeling lonely, but I can also hear your confidence in knowing that your time as a mother is coming...and that makes me so happy for you! Hope hubby gets home soon to you!!

Kristin said...

Thinking of you girl!!!

babystepstobump said...

Soon there will come a time when you will struggle hard to remember what it felt like to have a silent house. I'm praying with every fiber of my being for your happiness for I truly believe you were meant to be a mom and you will make such a great one! Hugs.

Isabelle said...

I can actually understand how you feel. It's okay to feel those feelings at times. You're right that they won't last for long. I am really hoping hard that this is it for you. :)

Mrs. Lost said...

Prayers! I am going to be praying and following you every step of this journey... xoxo

Caroline said...

I love your belief!!! I hope even though it's a quiet 4th, that you get some good rest and gear up before your husband is back and your baby is here :)

waiting and wishing said...

I love this post. Those moments- that soaking in of the quiet, of the empty they will carry you. Those moments gave me so much grace and heaps of patience in the first year with our boys. Recalling the alternative was absolutely my saving grace more than once. Soak it in, not because you'll miss it when it's gone, but because it will fuel you! Wishing you that sweet pitter patter... SOON!!!!!

Ashley said...

Praying for your heart and believing with you that your arms will be full soon!

infertilegirlinafertileworld said...

It's the weirdest thing but I just posted on my Facebook about how I hate cooking dinner for one. My hubby has her away since Tuesday and not back until Sunday. It's as if I could have written this post. Feeling very lonely, contemplative and melancholy. Hopefully the both of us will get to experience the flip side soon, as I start stimming in 12 days.

Weylin said...

Hang in there Jessah! I know what that empty house feels like and I can totally understand your thoughts of being close but far. It's coming!

Infertile625 said...

GAAAHHHH! Tears in my eyes. You are going to be such a great Mommy! I can't even wait for the moment that you post on here that you are pregnant with your sweet baby. It's coming and I am so excited for you!

ADSchill said...

Hang in there. You ARE close and this cycle is completely different. I hold high hopes for you Jessah.

Haisla said...

Oh that emptiness and silence, I know it so well! M, too, works some weekends and I find those weekends the hardest. Trying to fill that emptiness with just one person's presence is hard work. Really hope that you can soon hear the pitter patter of tiny feet in your hallway. So excited that things are moving along and that K has started the stims. Praying for you hard.xx

Northern Star said...

I totally get this - the loneliness and absence of a child is almost unbearable at times. The good news is that this experience is going to make you the best mom ever - because you have experienced the darkness, the light will have so much more brilliance and clarity for you and A. Hugs.

The Run Away Stork said...

I so understand the pain of silence, the emptiness of being so alone. Keep that faith friend. This WILL happen for you! And there's no one more deserving. And remember you are never alone with all of us here.

Holly said...

"because i know the alternative to being up all night with a crying baby is sleeping all night and waking up to more quiet. the flip side of running around juggling baths, dinner and playtime after a hard day's work is nothingness"

I 100% understand this. This describes it perfectly. Please God, let this be it!

RunCC37 said...

The quiet is deafening, the nothingness is expansive. But it is amazing and strong of you to breathe it in, because like you said, you will draw wisdom from this moment. Best luck for your cycle!!

Amber said...

Praying for you Jessah, and your family to be!

Sarah said...

we know such an awesome God :)

Janna Renee said...

I'm alone too, so you know I can {somewhat} relate, although I don't assume to even come close to what you are going through. {{Hugs}}

Sarah said...

You are not ever alone friend! We are all here and listening!!! xox You are right. You are so close. And while some people (and I usually used to want to punch these people) will say" Enjoy the quiet now!" Blah blah blah. I know first hand that the sadness and loneliness of no children is extremely more difficult than the craziness and exhaustion that comes along with these little blessings :) So, I hear ya friend. Praying that this is TRULY your time. That your baby is on the way.

Amanda said...

I'm seconding all of the above... your blog has so much hope covering such deep, deep sadness these days. Believing and hoping with you that your lonely days are over.

Charity said...

The in between stage is so hard. The waiting is intense but it's going to be so worth it Jessah! I am excited for you and the plans God has for your family as it grows.

monica yard said...

This one really hit me. I have tears in my eyes because I know the same feeling of nighttime loneliness and that quiet. My husband works night shifts and more often than not - works straight 12's all week so we can save up money for IVF in 2015. Bless his heart though.

I too, can't wait for those little feet running up and down the hallways. Just how COOL will that be!? I know you are close!!! K has come into your lives for a special reason. Always thinking about you guys and sending up big prayers your way. :)

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