she left and went home to speak with her mom (my aunt).
a few days later…
she called me and said "yes, I want to do it."
we were over the moon excited and grateful that she'd consider doing this for us.
but there were some complications.
m is a smoker.
so she'd need to stop smoking for six months before the clinic would do her screening.
and our doctor told us that smoking is detrimental to egg quality and there is no research that suggests that cessation of smoking for a period of time would correct that.
dr. h said that we should expect a 10-15% decrease in quantity and quality of eggs if we wanted to try to quantify things. wow. that's huge. he mentioned that our best chance of success is using a proven donor….someone who's donated before and the intended parents achieved a healthy pregnancy.
still at this point, it wasn't enough to deter us.
but something else began haunting me.
m is only 20 years old.
she isn't married and doesn't have any kids.
not only is IVF a huge undertaking for someone at her age and stage of life,
but her future is unknown.
what if she has fertility issues down the line as a result of donating her eggs to us?
what if she meets her husband later in life and has trouble conceiving and her only biological child is ours? infertility is the most painful thing i've ever experienced. the thought that i could be possibly be putting someone i love dearly in a position to suffer the same fate was more than i could handle.
after a long heartfelt conversation on my couch plus a big cry (on my end),
m and i decided not to move forward.
both concerned for the other person.
me: concerned for her future fertility
her: wanting us to have the best chance of success and if someone else gave us better odds, she wanted that for us.
the next couple of days, i moped around. feeling sad. feeling like i had to grieve the loss of yet another baby that i'd imagined, envisioned, and dreamed about. first a baby like me. then a baby like m.
not to mention, i was discouraged because i really liked the idea of knowing who our donor was. the peace of mind that i'd be able to contact her if any issues came up with our child's health. i didn't want to find an anonymous donor off the registry that i'd only know as JMS or ALW. to not have answers to offer if our child wanted to know more about their genetic makeup. but i didn't know what to do about it. i prayed for guidance and direction.
our prayers were answered and we found our donor (or rather she found us).