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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

death of a dream and a loved one


If the title to this post sounds like a downer, it is. But it reflects my mood. 
Two days after I wrote my last blog post, 
my grandmother, whom I was very close to, passed away.

my grammie

My biological father was never a part of my life. 
But I still had two parents - my mother and my grandmother. 
So this loss feels like losing a parent.

2014 was supposed to be our year.
But so far it has brought the death of a dream of having our biological baby
and the death of someone I love very deeply. 

Some days, it is just too much. 
Too much sadness.
I'm grieving.

For the family I'd always imagined having with my husband. 
For the love, affection and friendship that my grammie offered and is now gone.
There is a huge emptiness in my heart right now.

Some days I don't know how I'll get up and face the day.
But I do. And the world around me goes on, 
unaffected by my sorrow.

Through my tears, 
I try remind myself that I'm blessed to have had 
a very special bond with a such a wonderful person.

But it's still so hard 
to find happiness right now. 


56 comments:

jAllen said...

Oh Jessah! The Universe just really kicks you when you're down. I am so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful woman she was! It must be so lonely to be withour her, but I'm sure her spirit will always live on through you! Take care of your and your family. xoxo

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so very sorry, Jessah. Sending hugs and love.

Nina S said...

I am so saddened to read of your loss Jessah. I can only imagine how difficult the last couple of months have been for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope that you and your family are doing okay. It's been a tough year for you so far- I hope that the rest of 2014 is much better!

Heidi Fuqua said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and treasure the memories of the time you had with your grandmother. That's what keeps her alive.

~ Megz ~ said...

Many prayers and hugs... I am so so sorry for your loss, and all the things that have surrounded the last few months for you...<3

Brianna said...

I'm so sorry that you've experience another loss. Holding you in my thoughts as you love and miss your grandmother.

"B" said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray you find peace and comfort in the future and are able to find joy in all of your shared memories of her and at some point are able to celebrate her glorious life. I also pray that your baby finds its way home soon, however that may be. HUGS!

Aubrey said...

Jessah, I'm so sorry. There are no words to comfort you but please know you are in my heart and on my mind always. XOXO

Mrs. E said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Xo

Erika said...

I'm so sorry for your losses, Jessah. :( Your grammie is beautiful...I'm glad you had such a close relationship with her, but I know that makes it so much harder. Praying that you feel God's peace and nearness in this time of mourning.

Caroline said...

Oh Jessah - I hate this for you! I Hope you find the energy from the Lord to keep fighting! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you take some time to rest and recover! xoxo

Amanda said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry! On the heels of everything you've been through, to lose your grandmother. It's just too much! Please know that I think of you every day! Praying that the Lord will draw near and comfort you during these dark days! Hugs!

Lisa {Amateur Nester} said...

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hugs to you.

JenS said...

I am so sorry for your loss. If I could, I would reach through the computer and give you a big hug.

Just T said...

Your grandmother was a beautiful woman.

I am so sorry for your loss and hate this year has been so horrible to you.
I can only hope it gets better.

Amie said...

My heart breaks for you Jessah :( It sounds like you had wonderful women raising you growing up. You are in my prayers :) **hugs**

Beth and Harrison said...

I am so sorry for your losses. Both are devastating. While you may feel weak, you are an unbelievably strong woman for being so open,honest, and vulnerable about everything you are dealing with. I will be praying for you, your heart, and your family during this difficult time.

Logan said...

Praying, praying, praying for you. I'm so sorry.

The Run Away Stork said...

Oh Jessah my heart is broken for you. 2014 has NOT been a great year that's for sure. I'm hoping that you can find some peace and comfort in the amazing relationship you had with your grandmother and I hope bright things are in your future. Praying for you.

{Jessica} said...

I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandmother, Jessah. It's so hard to have to say goodbye to the people that we love. My grandmother and I were very close as well, and when she passed, I was devastated, so I can commiserate with you a bit in that respect. Have no doubt that she is still with you and watching over you from Heaven though.

Thinking about you, friend. And keeping you in my prayers. Hoping that 2014 starts looking up sometime very soon.

Courtney Wilson said...

I am really sorry for your loss. And again sorry for the challenges with the fertility this year have brought.

Mrs. Lost said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your Grammie and everything else that has happened in 2014. I will be praying for you and your family...

Aislinn said...

I am so sorry Jessah. You and your family are in my thoughts <3

JoJo said...

Oh Jessah! I'm deeply sorry for your loss. May The Lord give u peace and comfort.

Kari B. said...

I am so extremely sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing. It seems it is just one thing after another. It just isn't fair. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

It cannot rain forever. Your sunshine has be coming soon.

Endo_Life said...

It is so hard when life keeps moving on when your own feels like it has stopped. I am so sorry about your grammie (((hugs))) x

Missy said...

I am SO very sorry for the loss of your grandmother.{She was very beautiful!}

And my heart aches for you because I know how difficult it can be. I think you should give yourself the time and space to grieve as long as you need to.

After you've grieved the loss of your Grandmother, maybe it's time to switch gears for awhile - forget about the "baby making" stuff and focus on other things that are within reach. Whether it's taking a trip, taking a class, exploring some new hobbies or trying new things.

The point is to get your mind off of things so you can feel human again (I used to tell my husband this all the time - I want to feel human again) You my dear have so many gifts and talents (writing...is definitely one of them) so put them to good use. This (your road to Mommy-hood) is not going to be the only thing you are remembered for, I can promise you that!

Doing this really helped me. (9 years to wait for a baby sometimes felt like an eternity!) Hold fast to the knowledge that Miracles happen every day so don't give up.

Sending you a great big hug!
Malissa

Lilee said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandma passed a away almost two years ago now, and I still can't think about it without tearing up. That grandmother-granddaughter relationship is so special. Praying for you in the difficult time, and hoping you find some peace in all your happy memories.

Jennifer T said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I am also sorry that you are grieving for your biological baby. I struggle with this too. I am trying to focus on just being happy... some days I am okay but other days it is just hard! Nothing you are dealing with is easy so I hope you find peace and comfort during this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you a big hug!

Lisa Mace said...

I am so sorry for your loss! :(

shay said...

so sorry to hear about your grandmother. hoping you find some comfort during this hard time... hugs!

Shelley said...

I've been thinking of you.....

kharini said...

I'm so sorry Jessa, hope better days come soon. xo

Ashley P said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Hope said...

Love you, darling. I am praying for you every day.

Suzanne said...

I can feel the pain in your words and I wish more than anything I could help you in some way to find happiness.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet grandmother. I can only imagine that she's going to be watching over your from here on out and good things are going to come your way. xoxo

Aramis said...

Jessah, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your grandmother sounds like such a special woman. I too am in a place right now where it feels like I have all the bad luck in the world and that nothing is ever going to go right ever again. It makes getting out of bed very very difficult. It's so unfair to get even more bad news and loss on top of what you're already going through. Know that I am here if you need to talk.

Laura said...

Ugh! Sometimes life is just so painful. My thoughts are with you.

Laura Rahel said...

It's hard to comment when there's nothing to say that could possibly make this situation better.
But I just wanted to let you know that I'm here. And still reading every post. And still sending happy thoughts your way.
I'm sorry about your grams <3

Lanie said...

She has the most beautiful soulful eyes. I'm so sorry this happened, that this is all happening at once right now. My grandpa passed less than a month after my failed IVF in 2011. It was so tough. I am praying that she's delivering a special message for all the angels watching over you and your family to be, making sure things start falling into place.

I saw the Instagram photo of you ad her, so lovely.

Mrs B. said...

I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss. I hope you are ok. Thinking and praying for you everyday.

JJ said...

I am so so very sorry for your losses. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle to yourself!

Ashley said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved grandmother 3 years ago ans sometimes the grief is still overwhelming. I am comforted knowing that I'll see her again in heaven but it's still hard. This has been such a hard year for you. Praying for your heart.

Laura @ Making Baby Provence said...

I am so very sorry to hear this. I'm praying for you to find peace and some happiness. I hope that isn't the wrong thing to say. Sending you virtual love.

Katie Jeanne said...

We are saying prayers for you on the loss of your grandma. She sounds like she was an amazing woman and I know that although she isn't here, physically, she is with you spiritually and lives on within you. I wish I could help you out, but know that I'm praying for you!

Emily said...

I am SO SO SORRY Jessah. I'm glad your grandmother was there for you as a child since your dad wasn't, and I know she must have cherished that close relationship with you. Try to remember, than now you have one more angel fighting on your behalf from heaven. At least that is what I tell myself when I miss those I love...I really do think it's true though and not just a cheesy cliche. Please don't ever be too proud to talk to a professional if you feel you just can't deal with all the sadness. You've been dealt a shitty hand this year, so let it all out. We are here for you always too!

Dru Clark said...

I'm so sorry for you loss! My prayers are with you and your family!

Charity said...

Thinking of you Jessah! I am so sorry things have been so rough for you. Praying that God brings you peace and comfort during this time. XO

Teva said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. The affection of a grandmother is so special and the void is huge when they leave us. Sending you lots of love. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

babystepstobump said...

Really sorry for your loss Jessah. I lost my grandmother too last year and, just like you, I was very close to her so it hit me hard. I can imagine what you must be going through; sending you lots of love.

julianna said...

Sometimes what you don't see or even realize in the moment is what you have done and are doing for others. You are such a strong lady and your perseverance has shown us we can weather any storm, overcome any obstacle. I pray that the lord and your new guardian angel will bless you not only with a child but with true peace. You give girls like me who have been through so much hope. You now have an angel in heaven, but to us regular gals here on earth- you are our angel XOXO

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for youe loss. Praying for you and your family...

Amber said...

Ahh Jessah. I'm so sorry for the loss of both your dream and your Grandmother. She was a beautiful woman. That is a gorgeous picture. I'm sure she was beautiful on both the inside and out, because it reflects in you.

Janna Renee said...

With every death comes a new birth. It may be metaphorical, but you will rise from it. Prayers for your grandma and family. You favor her SO much. You are both beautiful.

RunCC37 said...

<3 <3 <3 I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandmother and your dream of a biological child. Both are huge losses... The quote you have at the top of this post brought tears to my eyes immediately. It is so hard to see it this way, but so true. It makes me think of my own grandmother (who I believe is my guardian angel through all of this) and my precious ninja. I am grateful that they were part of my life <3

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