Wednesday, February 19, 2014

death of a dream and a loved one

If the title to this post sounds like a downer, it is. But it reflects my mood. 
Two days after I wrote my last blog post, 
my grandmother, whom I was very close to, passed away.

my grammie

My biological father was never a part of my life. 
But I still had two parents - my mother and my grandmother. 
So this loss feels like losing a parent.

2014 was supposed to be our year.
But so far it has brought the death of a dream of having our biological baby
and the death of someone I love very deeply. 

Some days, it is just too much. 
Too much sadness.
I'm grieving.

For the family I'd always imagined having with my husband. 
For the love, affection and friendship that my grammie offered and is now gone.
There is a huge emptiness in my heart right now.

Some days I don't know how I'll get up and face the day.
But I do. And the world around me goes on, 
unaffected by my sorrow.

Through my tears, 
I try remind myself that I'm blessed to have had 
a very special bond with a such a wonderful person.

But it's still so hard 
to find happiness right now. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

next steps (and WTF appointment)

We had our WTF appointment with Dr. S.  
He told us that it is possible to keep cycling with my own eggs and eventually get one genetically normal embryo. But since we've been through so much…he doesn't want to see us keep banging our heads against the wall. And we don't want that either….nor can we afford that.

He is recommending egg donation for our best chance of a take-home baby. 

The CCS test results from our two embryos raised some concerns though. Both of our abnormal embryos had the same chromosomal abnormality. It was in chromosome 20. One embryo was missing a chromosome and the other embryo had an extra chromosome. Dr. S is concerned that one or both of us could have a chromosomal rearrangement or what is referred to as balanced translocation. There is a long genetic explanation if you want to read it…but it's super scientific and over my head. 

Basically, we need to do karyotype testing which will examine our chromosomes in sample cells which would help identify genetic problems that could be contributing to our infertility. It is a blood test and it takes three weeks to get the results back. We are currently trying to see if it is covered by insurance.

Dr. S wants to make sure A isn't a balanced translocation carrier because that would change things in terms of us being good candidates for donor eggs. If A is a carrier then, we would need to go a different route. 

In the last few weeks,
we've been doing some soul searching and discussing different paths to parenthood…

stealing a baby from the grocery store
embryo adoption
donor eggs

There are no easy answers.
But after much discussion and a lot of research, 
we're leaning towards egg donation if A doesn't have genetic issues.

Dr. S has no reason to believe that I can't carry a pregnancy.
 He gives us an 80% chance of success with donor eggs if we decide to pursue that path.
With egg donation, it feels like we would be giving up the least.

I would still be able to experience pregnancy.
A would still have a genetic connection to our child.
We could ensure the best care for our baby in utero. 
No one could change their mind and take our baby away.

But I'm also scared to death of having to endure more heartache and pain. 
We really need this journey to end and move on with our lives. 

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