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Friday, January 17, 2014

the well of tears has run dry

maybe my well of tears has finally run dry.

maybe there are only so many tears
that can be shed about the same thing before the tears just stop coming.

maybe after so much disappointment and heartbreak over the last five years
one learns to respond to bad news with a sort of businesslike indifference. 

maybe i've become stronger through this journey 
and can handle more than i could before.

whatever the reason, 
i didn't really respond how i thought i would when i received bad news yesterday. 

after being let down so many times along the way,
every hope that a different supplement, diet, doctor, procedure or prayer will bring a different outcome
but always ending up the same way.
empty womb. empty arms. 

i just accepted it. 

but let me back up a little bit and tell you the news straightway.


Most mornings, I start my day by reading a daily devotional, Jesus Calling
Yesterday, when I opened the book, here's what I read.
Come to Me, and rest in My loving Presence. You know that this day will bring difficulties, and you are trying to think your way through these trials. As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you--now and always. Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead, come to Me, and relax in My peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust.
I closed my eyes and thought….not today. No difficulties today. That was not what I wanted to read. And He was right. The day would be difficult indeed. 

I arrived at a client meeting that morning and knew the minute I walked in, that's when the embryologist would call. Sure enough, 15 minutes into a 2.5 hour meeting…I see CCRM pop up on my phone. I thought about excusing myself and taking the call in the hallway. But thought better of it. In case it was bad news. I don't have a very good poker face.

After the meeting, I listened to the voice mail message that told me "you have two embryos that have been biopsied and frozen and a few more that are trying to do something". 
What does that even mean?
 Obviously, I called for clarification.

Basically, I was told that one embryo stopped growing right away. So, then we had six. Most of those weren't dividing as they should be. The embryos' cell growth was fragmented and uneven (which they don't like to see). Even at Day 3, my embryos were "delayed", they should have been 7-10 cells. But most of mine were 4 cells. 

When I asked about the few that were "trying to do something", she said that sometimes embryos make it to the blastocyst phase on day 6 or 7 so they'll keep watching them and if they get there…they'll biopsy them for CCS testing and freeze them with my other two.

All of this made me wonder if I should have done a Day 3 fresh transfer instead of opting for the CCS testing and FET (frozen embryo transfer).  I thought maybe my babies could've survived in utero.  But the embryologist told me that the quality at Day 3 was borderline and it's questionable whether they would've even been transferable.

If they weren't good embryos, it's likely because of poor egg quality. That means they were probably abnormal and would've resulted in no pregnancy or a miscarriage even if I had transferred on Day 3. 

Not to mention…
…I wasn't in Denver anymore to do a fresh transfer even if I had wanted to. 
...my inhospitable uterus needs months of hormone therapy before it is ready to house an embryo. 
….as I sat on the tarmac to fly home, I received news that my grandmother's health took a turn for the worse while we were in Denver. She's been put on hospice which broke my heart.
…on the plane ride home, I caught a vicious flu bug (thanks to stim meds compromising my immune system) that's had me running a fever, coughing up a lung and in bed every minute that I'm not at work. 
…my counterpart at work took an unplanned leave of absence to attend to family matters effective the day I returned from Denver.

I think it's safe to say…all things considered (poor egg quality, endo, emotional turmoil, fever, work stress) it probably wouldn't have made a bit of difference if I'd done a fresh transfer.

We did all of the right things. 
After one cancelled cycle, we got a second opinion
We travelled all the way to CCRM in Denver for not one but TWO cycles
To give ourselves the best chance of implantation, we are doing CCS testing and a FET to suppress my endometriosis first. If these embryos, my two embryos, don't come back normal, it just wasn't meant to be. 

For now…I'm praying that my little struggling embies that are "trying to do something" will make it to blastocyst and that my two frozen embies will come back normal.

But I'm preparing for more disappointment.
They said that my embryos didn't look good.
We've been on the wrong side of the odds every time. 
What would make me think this time would be any different?
It's not pessimism….it is realism. 

And oddly…I type this without any tears. I feel as if I'm observing myself go through this. From a distance. Perhaps watching on a screen as if it were a someone else's really sad story. 


82 comments:

"B" said...

I am so sorry your struggle to get your baby is so hard. I feel your pain. Don't ever lose hope, EIGHT cycles it took me to get pregnant. EIGHT. (though in retrospect we should have moved practices sooner than we did, hindsight is 20/20). Keep faith, keep praying and definately keep living life. Do things you enjoy, enjoy each other and your family. Becoming a mother will happen, if that is your dream. I am praying you get two great embies to transfer. Praying for some excellent news and for peace on your journey.

A Life Without Mofongo said...

At times I wonder why life is so hard on us. I don’t know what to say because I know the feeling; I have you in my prayers sweet lady. God has a purpose in our lives and although we don’t know it yet just keep your faith.

Aubrey said...

Oh Jessah- I am so sorry. I hate this so much for you :(. Please know I'm thinking of you and your sweet embabies and I'm praying for all of you. XOXO

Erika said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry. :( I am so sad for you. This is incredibly heartbreaking. I will be praying for your little embies, friend.

Kristin J said...

I am so sorry. Praying the testing comes back good and you are holding your baby in your arms soon.

Kasey A said...

Ohh Jessah how I was hoping you would get better news. Remember it only takes one! Can you email me your home address I would like to mail you something if you don't mind!

stupidbrokeneggs@gmail.com

Stephanie said...

OH goodness, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I can't say that I understand, because I don't...but I'm here if you need someone to talk to!

xo

Holly Olsen said...

Dear Jessah,
I can totally relate to what you're saying. I've had 3 consecutive miscarriages and it almost shocked me when I didn't cry after finding out I again had lost a third. I'm now a little over 6 weeks pregnant for a fourth time and I can't help but feel like I'll also be on the wrong side of the odds yet again, because this is all I know afterall. I get it...the realism sets in and you do learn to become indifferent. Although I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism to deal with all the pain, hurt and disappointments. Anyway, I get it. I also feel like sometimes I have no more tears to cry or sadness to fill my heart and I'm too exhausted to even "feel". I too am reading Jesus calling! The part about not rehearsing your troubles over and over again in your head...it's hard! Praying for you and praying we both get to hold a baby in our arms one day.

Amanda said...

Well, Jessah, I'm crying tears for you... I know exactly how hard it is to hear that your embryos are behind, that they're failing, that they're struggling, and that it's due to egg quality. They weren't sure any of mine would have even made it to blast, so the fact that you have two is encouraging though. And oddly enough, I know exactly what you mean when you say there are no tears for yourself... that's how I've felt since the bad news. Like I'm watching somebody else's really sad story... this cannot be my life. I'm so sorry that you received this news, but I'm not giving up. I'm praying for those stragglers even as I type... may the Lord breathe life where there has been death. Love you friend! Sending you the biggest hug!

Amie said...

Beautiful lady, I don't even know what to say. There just aren't any words that will make it better. I have been praying for you and continue to do so because I believe that is the best option. I pray that there will be a miracle and some how some way at the end of this you end up with a baby in your arms. But I also pray that you have peace and comfort during this process that has been so hard on you up to this point. I am so sorry Jessah.

Caroline said...

Thinking of you during this time Jessah!!! Keep us updated. I'm believing and hopeful!

Just T said...

I wish I could hug you right now and try to give you just a little comfort. I absolutely understand you preparing yourself. I am going to hope with all of my might that the two you have are perfect and at least one of the others make it also. I just wish this wasn't such a non forgiving journey and someone would cut us a damn break once in a while!

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

While I don't love your news, I do love the word you received from the Lord. He speaks and He comforts in ways that we cannot imagine. Praying.

Elisha Kearns said...

Oh girlie, I'm so sorry :/ I'm praying for you. But remember, God is the God of miracles and doing the impossible. I know it looks impossible to you to conceive now or in the future, but remember that what is impossible for man, is possible with God. (Matthew 19:26) love ya girlie!

waitingforbabybird.com

jAllen said...

Oh Jessah! I am so sorry to hear this news. I like your approach of focusing on all the things you did that were right, I know the desire to have more embryos to work with, but my fingers are crossed that your two progress and come back normal for you!

Northern Star said...

Oh Jessah - I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry. I'm holding on to hope.

Elena Ridley said...

My heart is breaking for you! I will keep thinking of you and praying that the two that are trying to do something do something really amazing. I can't imagine what you are going through. I think feeling numb to a situation that you've been going through for so long is completely normal. Big hugs to you!!

shay said...

oh jessah, i'm so sorry to hear this! i'll be praying so hard for your embryos to make it and to be normal...

Nina S said...

I'm so sorry Jessah. I truly hope your little frosties surprise everyone!

{Jessica} said...

Oh, Jessah. I'm so sorry. I hate that the news you got yesterday was so disappointing. I am still holding out hope for you and your little embies, and am so sad that this process has been so difficult thus far. I read the same passage in my Jesus Calling devotional yesterday - it's amazing how relevant that little book has been for every single day so far. You will continue to be in my prayers, sweet girl.

~ Megz ~ said...

soooo many hugz and prayers...I do not have any words of comfort or wisdom...This just sucks...:(

Charity said...

I can't even begin to express my feelings in regards to all this. I know you are in need of peace and prayers so that's my prayer for you. Hold on to his strong hand he will help you all the way to the finish line.

Lanie said...

Awe, Jessah, I'm sorry the news wasn't great. You are so strong to continue your meeting, not knowing. That must have been so difficult. I have poor egg quality and a borderline high FSH, and possibly HA or PCOS, they aren't sure. But it is possible to get a miracle every once in a while, even one of those frosties could be your miracle. I will cheer you along for sure! I feel like we used to follow each other and I'm not sure what happened, but I'm here now! :)

bellehavendrive said...

Jessah, what can I say? I'm so sorry. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that, yes, the waters run dry after so much heartache, disappointment, being on the wrong side of the odds. I am praying for you and those babies.

Mrs. Lost said...

I will continue to pray Jessah! It is sometimes so hard to find the peach in the storm, but I know with you Faith it is possible.

Susan said...

My heart aches for you. There's so much that's unfair about this baby conceiving process. I remember back thirteen years to how my own heart felt and the sadness washes over me as if it were yesterday. Know you're wrapped in hugs and positive thoughts during this time. Wishing I could do something to ease your heartbreak.

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Praying for you and your two embryos!

JM said...

I am so sorry to hear they re not doing good in lab. I know exactly how it feels after three retrievals and no embryos surviving in lab. I still have hope for you though. Take care of yourself. ((HUGS))

Darcie K said...

Damn it! I'm so sorry, Jessah. My heart is breaking for you. I will keeping you and your embies in my T&P's. hoping and praying that the the ones you do have are normal, and that the ones "trying to do something" do indeed DO something great. You are an extremely strong woman. xoxoxoxox.

wherethebleepisourstork said...

Jessah- I am so sorry- I am thinking of you and hoping for the best!

ADSchill said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry. About everything. This is not news anyone wants to hear about potential babies. You are strong because you need to be, because you learned how to be. We are all here to root for you and those embryos. I will still wish for the best, even if you aren't able to right now. Before our FET, we had three frosties, two of which somehow didn't survive the thaw and we were left with one. That last embryo became my son. He beat the odds and stuck with us. It can happen. I know how hard it is to keep your hopes up and part of you doesn't want to go there. Feel however you need to, but save a little hope for that one embryo that might try to become something.

Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.

MissC

Lilee said...

I'm so sorry for your tough news. I pray things turn around and begin to look brighter for you. I do hope you take some comfort from your devotions this morning: "Come to Me, and relax in My peace."

Infertile625 said...

I have chills. So sorry that you have this news. I pray that your babies continue to grow and give you your take home baby. Remember, all you need is one. I know it's so hard to focus on that when we are facing such bad news and we logically know that more embryos mean more chances but I have seen people doing IVF fail with 15 embryos and I've seen people succeed with 1. I'm pray for your take home baby.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your embryos! I hope this gives you hope: I too cycled at CCRM and the only genetically normal blasts that I had were from Day 6 and I am currently pregnant with twins. Sometimes, they just need more time and the success rate is similar, especially with a frozen transfer b/c the implantation window is the same. Hoping you get some good news soon re: the ones still growing and then a good CCS report.

Gurlee said...

Lurker here coming out to send you a giant hug. I am so sorry and want you to know that a virtual stranger is sitting in awe of your strength and that I will be hoping and praying for you.

It's Sooo Fluffy said...

I'm so sorry for all the disappointment and bad news. I really do hope things start looking up soon. *hug*

Life Happens said...

I read thru your post/blog and it just brought back SO many memories. I remember it like it was yesterday. IF is such a roller coaster. But I promise you that you can and will get thru it all. And during those difficult times, hold on to your faith and don't give up on hope.

And when the tears are all dried up and it still feels like your soul is aching, turn to the Lord and know that He knows your pain and He will lift you up.

I will be praying for you!

Lauren Thomas said...

I can relate so much. Yesterday we had another round with our fertility specialist and I had read that same Jesus Calling yesterday morning. I even blogged about it yesterday...how I want nothing more than to move forward, and the answer keeps coming back with "not now."

I've also been on the end of being numb. Sometimes, it feels like going through the fire....but fire also refines. So I'm hoping and praying that something beautiful is in the works for both of us ;)

Katie @ Loverly She said...

Oh Jessah - my heart goes out to you. Praying that the God of all hope will strengthen you. He has better plans for your life than you could create yourself, no matter the outcome. But I am praying for a miracle xx

JenS said...

I'm sorry for all the bad news. Did you have any frozen from your first cycle? I can't remember. Hopefully those 2 little embryos are fighters. I know the odds are against you, but you still have a chance and I will hold out hope that you beat the odds on this one.

kharini said...

I'm sorry for the news. You still have two and I have faith that they could be normal, at least one of those could be normal. One of my good friends had only one to transfer and now she is 9 weeks pregnant. There is still hope. And yes, you have absolutely done all the right things. Big hugs!

Sausha said...

I'm sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your embryos' health!

Ashley {Life on the Parsons Farm} said...

Jessah,

my heart breaks. but now I have a more specific prayer for you. I understand your loss of tears, I have been there before. Much love my friend!

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry, Jessah. I wish I had the answers for you. Please keep clinging to the Lord and His plan for you. (Jeremiah 29:11) Praying for you, friend!

Dream Chase said...

*hugs* Jessah! I'm so sorry. I am really, really praying for good news with your one embie. One is all it takes!

Suzanne said...

My heart hurts for you in so many ways. I wanted so much better of an outcome for you and A, and I'll continue to hope that those two are little fighters.

I've been in a place for the past 6 months where the tears just don't come anymore. I think it's just a protective layer at this point and I've become numb. It's in there though, so let yourself heal mentally and physically, take whatever time for yourself to make that happen.

Let me know if you need anything.Sending so much love to you, my dear friend.

Laura Rahel said...

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Aramis said...

Crap. Crap crap crap. I don't know what else to say, I was hoping for so much better news for you. Hang in there, hun. We're here for you.

J and A said...

You are one strong woman. My fingers are still crossed for you. Hugs my friend. Enjoy your weekend!

amberlynn said...

Don't lose hope! I ended up doing a FET so that my body/uterus was ready for my little embie to be transferred. It worked. I have a 5 month old baby girl. All you need is one embryo. Praying for you!!!

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so sorry, Jessah. So sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. (And, if you're ever up here in this city by the famous red bridge, let me know.)

I'm still hoping for good news for you. For normal embryos and good implantation and a take-home baby.

Sunflower said...

I am so sorry. This is a really tough road - emotionally, physically and financially. I think the only way I kept my sanity was to just try to do the best I could, cover my bases, look at all options and hope for a good outcome. I really hope that your two embies come back normal.

Sarah said...

Oh Jessah :( I was so sad for you reading this. But forgive me if I can't remember the details from the IVF where you banked some embryos..but some of those could possibly be used right..and maybe (PRAYING!) that one or two of these new embies holds on! So in the end it is still possible that you might have one or two "okay" ones to transfer right? And again forgive me if I don't have the info right. But I am just hopeful at least one or two makes it to your belly!!! I will say a special prayer for you tonight friend xo

An Airman and a Doctor said...

Oh dear, dear heart. Please know that I am mourning all the bad news but am praying for some great news. Some precious miracle for truly one of the best couples that I can think of. You are so incredibly strong, such a wonderful woman. I am thinking of you and sending so many prayers your way.

Jennifer T said...

Ugh! I am so sad to hear this! I am hoping and praying those embryos keep going strong! I hope you start feeling better ASAP! And I'm sorry to hear about your sweet grandma. Sending you the biggest hug!

Cristy said...

Jessah, I am wrapping you in love tonight. This news makes my heartache. To not only hear about your embryos but your grandma too?!?!? Oh lady, I'm so sorry. Please know you guys continue to be in my thoughts. And I'm holding out for hope.

Aly @ Breathe Gently said...

Sending SO many good wishes your way. Love and light x

amywales121 said...

Oh Jessah, I am so terribly sorry you received this news. My heart hurts for you. I don't think there are any words that can help, but I'm going to continue to pray that despite the odds, you will experience a miracle.


wishingwales said...

Oh Jessah, I am so terribly sorry you received this news. My heart hurts for you. I don't think there are any words that can help, but I'm going to continue to pray that despite the odds, you will experience a miracle.

Anonymous said...

I am very, very sorry to hear about what you're going through. However, I sincerely hope and wish it for you that your two little guys on Winter vacation will surprise you and come back both CCS normal.

We're also cycling at CCRM so I know how emotionally draining and physically exhausting this journey is. Don't give up hope just yet.

Good luck!

Mary

The Run Away Stork said...

What devastating news. For whatever reason my poor egg quality hit me the hardest out of all of the infertility bad news. I am praying that your 2 embryos continue to grow and your frozen babies come back normal. I know it's so hard but there is still hope. Thinking about you and saying lots of prayers.

Anonymous said...

Your story sounds a Lot like mine. Incredible similarities. I feel your pain, more than you know. You are amazing.. Hang in there. Sending thoughts and respect, www.wishingawayinfertility.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I'm right where you are & I understand. 36 yrs old, very active & healthy- i have normal fsh, amh, all those obsessive numbers which only makes me obsess more. 3 ivf's- only 1 normal blast- bfn. Now in middle #4 & things not going great. Our embies have just been crappy. I'm out of tears & just so weary. I miss my old self. I keep telling myself to stay hopeful, but even that scares me. Tomorrow is a new day. Sending prayers your way ;)

Anonymous said...

I bet they put both those blasts in & you get twins!! It can still happen. :)

Anonymous said...

Please don't take this the wrong way because I am in your exact situation and I know how difficult it is... I too used to call it "realism" but you have to believe that this time it will work and be positive and confident in your thoughts. I know as well as anyone that if it all comes crashing down that it hurts like hell, but being "realistic" doesn't the change the outcome anyway. I am praying for your surviving embryos to make it to blast - you only need one after all. Me heart goes out to you, this is definitely not an easy journey xo

Char said...

just found your blog. Thank you SO much for sharing! Best of luck to you!

We lost our baby in 2012 and are having secondary infertility now. We will be doing IVF in a few months, I love reading your blog so I can get a taste of what it is like.
-Char
http://www.lifesbettertogether.com/

Sarah said...

Jessah, I'm so sorry. There are no words. I have only hugs and love and prayers for you, your sweet husband, and those two embryos. Thinking of you and saying so many prayers.

Rachel Degraba said...

I just discovered your blog, happy to be following along. It's beautiful to see you get so personal with your followers! I wish you the best of luck xx

Rachel @ makeshiftmunch.blogspot.com

katytrackslife said...

Thank you for your honest posting x

Em said...

Oh Jessah...words fail me. Just know that my heart is incredibly heavy for you and that you and your embryos are at the top of my prayer list.

Emily said...

Hoping and praying for good CCS results for you Jessah! I know it's hard to find any true peace and joy amidst less than perfect outcomes along the way. All that will end up mattering is the end result though, and I am praying for a miraculous end result for you, that will wash away all the tears and pain that have led up to the joy that's finally revealed.

Anonymous said...

Jessah,

I feel you girl. A year ago I would have lost it hearing half the news I've heard recently and today I'm just sort of numb/whatever. It's not really depression but more just resolve and a shrug. Whatever the plan is (and there is so totally a plan and reason), we have no control over it. But that doesn't mean we can't do whats in our hearts to do. So if we want to continue to fight that just maybe what is planned for our life to do and one way or another we get our babies. And if we decide we are done then maybe it's our plan to not have babies.....or maybe there is a surprise baby waiting in the wings. What I mean to say is we are exactly where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there. And I think infertility lets us learn this faster than most. We don't cry as much because we just let go and let God. Just know I'm right there with ya sister!

xo IG - mrswillis050611

Mrs B. said...

Oh Jessah, I am so, so gutted to hear this. I don't have many words of comfort but just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers.

Logan said...

My heart feels so heavy reading this. Praying for your embryos... praying for you!

Monica said...

My heart is aching for you and your husband. I hope that you get some good news soon. Good luck and keep pushing towards your dream. You're inspiring to those around you - I hope you know. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. I did my retrieval at CCRM last week and received a similar phone call yesterday saying that one out of 12 made it and a few more were trying to do something. We were crushed. Got a little better news today that 2 more made it on day 7 so a total of 3 were biopsied for ccs. It's not at all the number I was expecting but I hold out hope that these 3 will make it. I wish the same for you. It will happen!

Ali said...

Jessah, I found you through Suzanne, who's been a friend for the last year + as we've struggled with this difficult diagnosis. I am so sorry that the embryos haven't done as well as you hoped, but I really hope the remaining ones will be healthy. It took me three cycles and many terrible/disappointing phone calls to finally get a lucky embryo, but the embryo banking and CCS testing did eventually work for me. I really really hope it will be your answer too. Let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. What you said about meeting/knowing IF friends is so true. I get it. And I am pulling so much for you. Hugs. Ali

Emily moran said...

It will work for you don't stop trying your amazing and strong and good things will happen to good people. These guys help me. http://www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com.au/

Whitney B. said...

I still have high hopes that things are going to work out for you two. You may feel like a realist, but the rest of us can dream and encourage you even when you feel at your darkest. Rely on others now and take it a step at a time, you can do this, you are strong enough. I hope those embies grow and grow and that you get better news this week.

Just T said...

Jessah did you get any news on your remaining embryos? I've been thinking about you.

Amber said...

My heart hurts for you Jessah. Xoxo

RunCC37 said...

Oh, Jessah, I am catching up on your blog, and this post brought me to instant tears. All of the pain from our three egg retrievals just came rushing in at once... everything that you have written rings so loudly within me because our fert reports went in a similar fashion. We have decided that we are done doing IVF with my eggs for this very reason. I simply cannot go through the emotional anguish again waiting for the crappiest of crap fert reports. I am praying that over time that you have found peace and healing. Sending love & hugs <3

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