nav

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

the good, the bad and the "forgot to read our chart"...


The great outdoors certainly gives me some perspective. 
It's a reminder of how small we are in this big world. How insignificant in the big scheme of things. The Rocky Mountains make the mountains near Lake Tahoe (where we live) look like child's play. 


When A arrived in Denver a few days ago, we decided to take a drive up to Beaver Creek (near Vail) to enjoy some of the fresh snow. It was a lovely winter wonderland. We walked around the village resort and had a nice dinner at Maya in the Westin Hotel.


We played, laughed and had a light-hearted day.


I'm glad we had that day and I can reflect on it because the last 36 hours have not been great. Is it the stress of the cycle? The hormones? A and I knit-picking each other? I can't really say. This is just hard. Harder than anyone who hasn't been down this road can ever really understand. 

Things were moving along so well and then…

Day 10 of stims
(left) 14 MM, 13 MM, 13 MM, 12 MM, 11.5MM, 10 MM, 9MM, 9MM
(right) 14 MM, 13 MM, 7.5 MM

Day 12 of stims
Visited the CCRM office near Boulder and the nurse didn't give my numbers

Day 13 of stims (today)
(left) 22 MM, 20 MM, 17.7 MM, 17 MM, 14.3 MM, 13.7 MM, 13.7 MM, 11 MM
(right) 19 MM, 18 MM, 13 MM, 10 MM, 7.7 MM

Based on my follicle sizes, they'd like to have me stim for one more day to try to get those smaller follies a little bigger and do a Saturday retrieval. The ideal follicle size at trigger is around 20 MM and many of mine are too small yet. But my estradiol level started to plateau today. If they don't trigger me tonight and my estradiol level actually drops down…that's bad. So the doc didn't have any choice. We are doing a double trigger tonight at 1:45 AM with Pregnyl and 2:45 AM with Lupron…for a Friday retrieval. 

We also had a regroup with Dr. S today. Is it too much to expect your doc to read your chart and have some clue who you are and what's going on before he walks into a meeting? First, he starts off by saying, not much is going on in your left ovary but your right is doing some work. Huh? I didn't correct him but that is completely backwards.

Then he proceeds to talk to us about doing another cycle and banking our embryos before CCS testing. A looked him flabbergasted and asked how many embryos he wants before we test. Dr. S said six. A asked how many we got last time? The doc looked confused and said let me look. While he was pulling it up on the computer, I stated that we have 4 frozen embryos. Dr. S confirmed that number and said he just wanted to mention it as an option because some people do cycle three times before testing. Neither A and I think he remembers that we just cycled in September and he trying to play it off afterwards. UGH! Nothing else from the regroup was particularly noteworthy. 

This cycle started out so strong. It sucks that doubts are starting to creep into my head and concerns about how many eggs will be mature. Emotions and hopes just run so high in this process that it's so hard to deal with the disappointments that inevitably seem to come along. But I'm trying to focus on my faith and maintaining hope that this will end with a baby in our arms.


43 comments:

Just T said...

I know this cycle hasn't seemed to end ideally, but it still looks really good. You have done everything in your control and now it's out of your hands. Will you also freeze your embryos this time and start doing FET?

Nina S said...

I'm sure what he lacks in bedside manner is made up for in skill. Perhaps these impersonal exchanges are the price you have to pay for having a renowned expert as a doctor. Regardless, I still think you are doing so well! Look how far you've come from that first cycle at your local clinic!

Marcy said...

I too hate it when a doctor can't even be bothered to read my chart before meeting. Keep hoping, it ain't over. Keep drawing from the power of nature! Hugs.

kharini said...

They have so many couples going there... but yes, it would be nice a quick review of the chart before seeing the patient, basic, I agree.

Good luck on your retrieval, I think you could get a good number of eggs since the trigger shots give the smaller one a boost, you never know, plus CCRM is known for maturing the eggs after retrieval and then fertilizing them, so I think you do have a great chance!

Jenn C said...

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts!!! Enjoy the beauty around you and remember to focus on the positive. "What we dwell upon most will come to be!" XOXO

katytrackslife said...

Ugh! Can you swap to another Dr?
I used to see someone that made me feel terrible every appointment and then ine day my husband declared we weren't going back and we has a different dr by the afternoon. If it's possible, do it

conceptionallychallenged said...

Boo. Every doctor should have read your chart, especially if it's not an emergency and if they have seen you before. I had to go back to the hospital shortly after our loss, and multiple people clearly hadn't read my chart and commented about our babies at home... sigh.

I'm glad you had such a great day outdoors. I've had a similar experience, a few years ago hiking in the mountains in Washington. How small and unimportant I am - and that wasn't a bad thought at all.

As for the estrogen, mine dropped suddenly towards the end of stimming, but then rose again after the trigger, and retrieval worked fine. I'm hoping it will for you, too.

Sarah said...

Oh Jessah, huge hugs. That is so frustrating that the doctor doesn't seem to be remembering your previous cycles or checking your chart.
As for the numbers- I think it looks pretty darn good. I will say for my last IVF I had similar looking numbers. I have only 10 eggs that measured over 10 and most were on the small side- less than 14. I was SO disappointed and frustrated but the doctor wanted to trigger because I had one 20 and a couple close to that and he told me that the biggest/fastest growing one was usually the best anyway and he didn't want to sacrifice that one waiting for the others to catch up. So we triggered. And got 18 eggs. I was shocked. I figured most wouldn't be mature but they were. My estrogen levels were about the same as they were when they retrieved 11 embryos on my previous cycle so there was no indication there either that I had more than what they saw. You never know with the numbers. This could still be a great cycle for you and your body might be doing a better job than you think. :)

I'm always, always KMFX for and cheering and hoping and praying. Huge hugs. :)

amywales121 said...

Your pictures are breath-taking! I am so glad that you and your husband were able to have a special day where you could enjoy one another and the beauty around you!I am heartsick for you that the dr didn't pay closer attention to your chart. I am so hoping that all will turn out beautifully at the end of this cycle. I'm praying for wisdom for the doctors, peace for you during this time and that it will result in a precious baby for you!

Suzanne said...

You've had so many challenges thrown your way and you continue to keep your head up and carry on. You are going to be one heck of a fantastic mother. xoxo

Infertile625 said...

Big hugs sweet girl!

"B" said...

Praying for you. Stay positive. I know it is hard. I do not know how many times you cycled before you went to CCRM but my husband and I cycled EIGHT times before we received our positive news! People kept asking why, we felt in our hearts we were meant to have a successful pregnancy. Low and behold we were able to hold a precious daughter after our 8th cycle. For baby #2 we cycled three times all fresh cycles. We thanked our lucky stars that we didnt have to cycle 5 more times (but we would have) because again we felt we should follow our hearts and where God was leading us. If we ever try for a third child it will be through the miracles of adoption. I am praying for you and saying every positive thing I can. This WILL work, you WILL get to experience the wonder and joys of pregnancy, you WILL get to hold your baby in your arms. You ARE meant to be a mother.

Amanda said...

I feel ya girl... though I had to trigger early for a different reason, I was still bummed! My largest was only 17mm, so I really have no idea how many to expect will be mature... it's all just so hard. I'm thinking if you and praying that everything will turn out better than you expect! Enjoy lunch with Suzanne!

Charity said...

Send a prayer right now for you sweet friend. I can't say I know what it's like but it sounds really hard and I can just only imagine what you're going through. I'm so ashamed of the doctor for not even looking at your file before you came in or even telling you he could've just said I didn't look at the file let me go ahead and look at it right now. It's absolutely crazy that he wouldn't think to do that and that he would give advice before even knowing what you guys were doing.

Aubrey said...

I'm praying for you for a great retrieval tomorrow!!!

I only had 2 frozen embryos at this point (and both of those made it to day 5 blasts - and one was normal!). I also remember feeling frustrated sometimes that my doctor definitely didn't really know me by name or by medical history any time we spoke. BUT, even though they may not be as knowledgeable about you as a person, they are reviewing your labs and results. They're totally numbers and results doctors- less personable (in my opinion), BUT they are miracle workers! I am praying that Dr. S brings you your miracle so so soon!! XO

Elena Ridley said...

Stay strong and try to stay positive, I know youve heard that millions of times and it's so much easier said than done. I cannot imagine what this process must be like, but I can relate to the high hopes running as high then being disappointed and devestated. I will keep praying for you and thinking of you. xoxo. Take care!

Kasey A said...

Jessah wishing you the very best!! Praying and hoping for you! Im so sorry that the doctor was so aloof.

Maritza said...

Hi Jessah! I recently came across your blog and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts. I am about to start fertility treatments and I am very nervous because I have just switched RE's. My old RE is too far a drive for me so I was recommended by a friend to her RE. One of my concerns is that my new RE is going to view me as just another patient added to his client list. I hate having to learn all new faces, and begin to trust yet another doctor. I am sure it will be ok, but I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now. I hope your doctor get's his act together! I will be praying for you, and sending lots of baby dust your way! xx :)

Aislinn said...

I'm so sorry things are seeming to go downhill, Jessah and that your doctor was a jerk. I have hope and faith that someday, somehow, you'll become a mother. Don't beat yourself up about this, you've done all that you can and have tried your absolute hardest which is all anyone (including yourself) can ask you to do.

Mrs. Lost said...

I will be praying for a little peace in your storm. I will also be cheering for good mature eggs which will produce beautiful embryos!

Always Maylee said...

Oy I bet that was so frustrating with Dr. S, but don't let it discourage you. Good luck with your retrieval on Friday.. try to stay positive and keep picturing those follies and embryos!

xo, Yi-chia

shay said...

That's totally annoying that he didn't read your chart before you sat down to talk to him. I mean, i know they see so many patients, but seriously, you are paying them a shit ton of money, i'd be super annoyed.

Hoping you get lots of eggies at retrieval!!

Day By Day said...

I am so sorry!! I get so frustrated when my doctor hasn't read my chart either. I know they are busy but it's important for them to look over things and know what's going on with me before coming into the room. I hope the triggers and retrieval go well. I'm praying for y'all.

Meanttobemommy said...

I am so happy you were able to spend time up in the Mountains. My grandparents live in Colorado, and my mom lives there now, and as much as I love Tahoe, its just not the same.
I am so sorry that your Doc was so clueless about your history during your appointment. I get really upset/frustrated about things like that. With something so personal and emotional its so important to feel secure about what is going on and the people that are treating you. I can certainly understand the extra stress an experience like that appointment would add to the situation. I am praying your you!!

ksirahsirah said...

Sending you light and love - adore the snow pictures-so lovely. XO

JoJo said...

Oh Jessah, I'm sorry your Dr didn't do such a great job at easing ur mind. I have hope that the trigger shot will help those smaller follicles grow. Praying for you hun. Hugs.

Pam said...

Don't despair. Those numbers don't look bad to me, although I'm only going off of anecdotal information and my own three cycles. It's so hard to stay positive, but try.

Sausha said...

Ugh, that's totally unprofessional! I am shocked at how many ladies' blogs I read where the doc isn't very personal. I feel like they should really take care of you and know you by sight. It's such an intimate cycle it would be nice not to feel like just another "customer". I'm sorry to hear that! But, the good news is, him remembering you or not doesn't mean your beautiful embies won't stick! :D

The Run Away Stork said...

What a frustrating visit with your doctor! I'm so sorry. I understand exactly how you feel about having high hopes when your cycle starts and then the doubts creeping in. I had the exact same feelings my last cycle. I really only had 10 good follicles and only got 8 eggs with 5 mature ones. I was so disappointed with that number. Everyone kept telling me that it only takes 1, which I know, but it's still disappointing.

I'll be hoping and praying those smaller follicles of yours catch up and you have a great retrieval. Thinking of you!

Ashley {Life on the Parsons Farm} said...

I see three good ones in there!! 22, 20 and 19!! this is going to work!

Sarah said...

Ugh I absolutely hate when doctors don't take a second before coming in to check the charts! It's just so unprofessional and makes the patient feel like crap! I think your follie numbers look good! I am praying so hard for you :) Good luck Friday xoxoxoxox

Cristy said...

Ugh. I hate it would I hear about doctors failing to read charts. I get they're busy, but that's frustrating. Grrr.

I understand very well where you're coming from with the doubt. To say it's hard is an understatement. Couple of things that help me was meditating with the Circle + Bloom program (the affirmations really helped) as well as reminding myself out loud that IVF is not for the weak (seriously, it's not). You have so much strength to be doing this, so take some moments to recognize that.

Thinking of you and sending oceans upon oceans of love and hope.

Courtney Wilson said...

Your journey is on my heart, I promise you. :) I hope all goes well. And, don't feel "small" for wishing you had a better doc experience... I would be equally (or more) frustrated.

Laura Rahel said...

I'm so glad you're honest about your experience, even when it's not all roses and butterflies (is infertility ever?) this makes me think maybe the route of not trying ivf at all might be best for me if I marry again down the road because I'm so emotional and this would rattle the hell out of me. The nerve of that super successful doctor- couldn't even pretend to be interested in the people behind each appointment. I hope your little follicles grow big big big <3

Aramis said...

That's so disrespectful of Dr. S to not be prepared for your appointment! Ugh. Good luck with your trigger and retrieval, I'll be thinking of you lots.

Anonymous said...

Please keep the faith. Even immature eggs at CCRM's lab can make blasts. I say this because I am a CCRM success story. I had 7 failed IVf cycles before I went to CCRM and cycled twice. I got only 3 mature eggs and 3 immature eggs in my first cycle and again 3 mature eggs and 5 immature ones from my second cycle. They werre the worst stim cycles in my history. From that, we made 9 blasts to test and 5 of those were CCS normal. I had never made blasts at any other clinic in any other cycle. I am now pregnant with twins. Fingers crossed for you, Maria

The Granberrys said...

Praying some of those follies grow, grow, grow some more!

SmallTownFamily said...

What a downer of a meeting with Dr. S. I definitely don't think it's too much to ask that they at least refresh themselves as to who is walking into their room! Here's to an amazing retrieval on Friday, with many a mature eggs!!

Ashley said...

Praying for an awesome retrieval tomorrow!
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."

Deborah said...

God only needs 1 egg and 1 sperm-that's all He needs

Liz said...

My worst cycle was what resulted in my twins. The cycles where I got the most eggs were the unsuccessful ones. I actually called the dr's office in tears after my last retrieval. I have hope this cycle will be successful

Em said...

What a bummer of an interaction with the doc. So sorry about that. How unprofessional.

Janna Renee said...

Glad you got to play in fresh snow!! You make a cute snow bunny ;)

Blogging tips