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Thursday, January 30, 2014

how do you give up on your dreams?


We were supposed to be done. 
That's what we always said.
CCRM would be our last attempt to grow our family.

But that's because we believed it would work.
Many would argue it's the best fertility clinic with the most renowned doctors in the world.
If anyone could get us pregnant, it would be them, right?

We never imagined that we'd be dead in the water again.
Before we even made it to transfer.

Three IVF attempts and no normal embryos. 
Not even a chance at a possible pregnancy.
We never saw that one coming.

Every time we tried something new, we believed in it.
With our whole hearts.
We got our hopes up. 

First visit to the RE.
First IUI.
First laparoscopy.
First IVF.
First IVF at CCRM.

And every time, our hopes and dreams were crushed.
Our beliefs questioned.
Our faith tested.

Since I received the phone call that all of our baby embryos were gone, 
I've felt so sad and empty. 
Just gutted.  
I'm grieving the loss my biological child. 

We've lost so much on this journey.
It hurts to accept that I'll never see myself in a tiny human.
That my body has failed me yet again.

We could give up.
That would be the easiest thing to do.
Decide that we can't fight any longer.
Accept our fate as a childless, infertile couple.

But I don't know how to do that.
How do you just give up on your dreams?
That concept is foreign to me.

There is certainly a part of me that wants to give up.
I know A feels the same way. 
But my heart is telling me that if we don't keep trying to grow our family, 
I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. 
I don't believe that God would put this desire in my heart 
if He didn't intend for me to be a mother some day.

Maybe this pain is part of our story. 
None of these paths has led to our baby…
so maybe we need to take a different one.

I'm trying to be still and listen to the direction my heart is leading me.
And continuing to pray that at the end of this very long road
…the baby we are meant to have will be in our arms at long last.


66 comments:

Loren C. said...

My prayer are with you and it is true if you heart tells you to keep going then you must.

Elisha Kearns said...

I agree with you that God did not put this burning desire in you just to not fulfill it. He has a plan and the way to bring this miracle baby into your arms and when He does, you will have one of the greatest testimonies for millions of people. Your story will give Him so much glory. He wants nothing more than to show Himself strong to you and many,many others. hugs!!

waitingforbabybird.com

Justina L said...

Hi Jessah, I know it's not the same but I have a friend of mine that had two miscarriages in a row. I don't know what it feels like but I can imagine how hard it must be. I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't give up. God will give you your answer.

Best,
Justina

Aubrey said...

I am praying so very hard for you and am holding you so very close to my heart. I'm happy to hear you are not giving up. You WILL find your miracle baby- I truly believe that. You are so incredibly strong, my friend. XOXO

Amanda said...

I'm so proud of you, Jessah! Resilient… I think that's the best word to describe you! I really, really hope that you can find peace with a different path forward because I'm believing with you that He wouldn't give you this undying desire if there wasn't a way through this mess. Thinking of you, my friend!

~ Megz ~ said...

I wish I had some answers for you....Or even something comforting to say...I am just at a loss. My heart hurts for you, even though I have not been following you too long, I just ache when I see my bloggers suffering...

While our situation is sooo vastly different than yours,( I wont even try and compare) I find myself relating to so much of what you said, about giving on on your dreams...I have been faced with similar situation. The things we THOUGHT would work, that we dreamed of for years, didn't work, and subsequently, we had to just be done after 3 almost 4 years thousands and thousands of dollars wasted, and give up...I felt LOST...

Some days, I still log online, and look for a new DR or new treatment that might work, but in the end, I click the red "X" and close out, I just feel like that too would fail,and we woud be left even more hurt, and in debt... slowly, my mind has filled with other things that we have dreamed about, instead of a baby. But I wont say it has been easy. I dont know what or when or even, if ever that shift will take place for you,as I have not been in your shoes... and I am not sure I will ever get rid of that glimmer of HOPE left, buried under all the hurt and disappointment. as much as I would love for it to be gone, I am almost afraid of what will be comes of me, if I lose that hope...In closing, I have NO idea how the hell to move on after something such as what you are enduring...I just wish I had a magic wand to make it better...My prayers are with you, as you start this new path...

Kristin J said...

I so understand where you are coming from. Just do what you are doing and listen for the right direction! I am here to talk about the adoption path if that is something you decide you want to look in to!

"B" said...

I cannot imagine giving up. Some way some how you will be blessed as a mother and your family will grow. I am so sorry your journey has been so heartaching. We were told to give up several times, however it never felt right. Our story is different from yours but we eventually received our blessings. I pray God guides you in the right direction and you get to experience the joys and wonder of motherhood. Hugs!

Mrs. Lost said...

I will be praying so hard Jessah that you can find your path. My heart is hurting for you and you husband but I have faith that it will all work out.

Courtney Wilson said...

I have thought a lot about you over the past few days-- wondering how you are doing. Your post is exactly what I would imagine you are going through. I am terribly sorry for the heartache but I am so glad to see the resolve in your words even just a few days after the sad news. Keep searching for the next path. You guys will get there, I just believe it with my whole heart.

Life Happens said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Life Happens said...

You DON'T give up on your dreams. You get down on your knee's and you seek direction from God.

A baby does not have to grow in your belly. It can grow in your heart too. So whether you are suppose to adopt or embryo adoption or keep trying IVF, you don't give up.

In times when we feel loss, God always provides us guidance. We just need to open our hearts and our minds. Be still and know that He is God. All things are possible thru Him.

Katie Jeanne said...

My heart just hurts for you and you sweet hubby. Although I have no idea why God is having you go through these trials, I am sure He is watching over you and will guide you to find peace in your heart with whatever decision you guys make. My love goes out to you and we will continue to pray for peace and strength!

Rach said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. IF can be so cruel.

But I agree with you that God wouldn't put this desire in your heart unless you were destined to be a mother some day. Hold on to your faith, it will get you through.

Sending positive thoughts and hugs!

A Life Without Mofongo said...

Mama, I know you feel believe this is so hard. But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend that went through the exact same situation as you, and when she gave up she started doing Acupuncture and God blessed her with a baby. Have you tried acupuncture?

Lanie said...

You are right, the baby meant to be in your arms will come to you. This is just the hardest part. Call it quits or follow your heart. You are doing such the right thing and following your gut.

Maybe if you decided what defined keep trying 1 more IVF? 2 more IVF? And had low expectations and just realized you were doing it as a formality, but making your backup plan at the same time? When we were planning our Barbados IVF, I told my husband when we get back we start decorating a gender neutral nursery immediately. Becuase I was going to do IVF as a formality, but I was ready to move on immediately after it didn't work. I didn't know what that meant at the time, I could only make my decisions in small bites, but I was ready to have a baby in my house, any baby.

Lilee said...

I'm so sorry. I've thought many times I wish someone would just tell me "no you will never be a mother." Then I would pick up and find a way to move on. But as long as there's that little, tiny, sliver of chance, it's so hard to think about giving up.

Catherine said...

I admire your perseverance! I'm praying for you & A everyday.

Kasey A said...

Praying for you Jessah!

holly said...

I'm so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now! Since I'm so new to this journey I haven't yet had all those firsts, let alone all those losses. My heart breaks for you and I know there is nothing a stranger can say that will make this hurt go away. In fact, all the things you usually find yourself saying to comfort someone are kind of dumb, so keep your head up girl. Take a deep breath, take a day/week/month to be angry, to cry to grieve, and then revisit this. But in the end, only do the things you feel like you won't regret.

Just T said...

The only thing I know for a fact from following your blog for some time now is, you are a strong woman. You have a loving and caring heart and I just know that regardless of the "how", you will have your son or daughter when this is all said and done.

Always Maylee said...

I am so sorry the IVF didn't work out for you guys. My heart completely aches for you. I hope that you somehow are able to find the path you're looking for.. I'm thinking of you.

xo, Yi-chia

Caroline said...

Trusting that God is working all of this out for your good Jessah!! Excited for what is to come!

Kari B. said...

My heart breaks for you. This just isn't fair. I hate this is happening to you. I wish there was some way to take away your pain. I'm so so very sorry.

Amie said...

I know my path is not anything at all like yours, you have been through SO much, but I am not able to let my mind go the place of thinking it won't ever happen. I guess maybe you could say I'm "pretending" that everything will work out even though I have no idea of knowing that. But I guess I just try to remember that there is a path to our story, I just don't know what that is yet. I know I am probably just rambling a bit here but I just don't know the right words to say other than I am in constant prayer for you and all of those I have met here in the IF world. I pray that big things happen for you and that you get your family no matter what path that is.

monica yard said...

I don't know you that well - but I can't say that my heart doesn't ache for you. I found your blog through Meg and I hope nothing but the best for you. Please, please don't give up on your dreams. You seem like such a loving person that there has to be a little one out there needing YOU and YOUR husband's love. I think you are rightful in thinking that God wouldn't have put the thought of motherhood in your heart if it weren't meant to be that way. Thinking and praying for you every day.

Infertile625 said...

I think about you daily. Praying that you grieve how you need to and that you are granted the clarity you so deserve. XOXOXO

shay said...

Praying for you that you find some comfort, peace and answers to how you will decide to move forward.

Cristy said...

Oh Jessah. This post resonates with me on so many levels. I wish I knew the answer for you. But the truth is that what works for one couple is different from what works for another.

You are aware of the options (donor egg, donor embryo, adoption, choosing to live as a family of two), but the hard part is now deciding what path to take. Please be kind to yourself as you explore all these options. Know that so many are here to support you as you go through this process. And know also that you are loved and far from alone. One way or another, one day soon it will all be ok.

Thinking of you.

Dream Chase said...

Jessah, you are such a strong and amazing woman. *hugs* I'm praying for your baby, he or she is out there, I know it.

jess said...

I have been following you for a while, just never posted. You could have been writing this post for me....I feel exactly the same way. Except our most recent IVF ended in our first ever BFP that we just lost at 8 weeks. So, I dont have any new advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. It is so hard to keep going but at the same time...neither of us can stop trying to make our dreams come true. We have one more FET to try for and then will have to decide whether or not to move on to donor eggs. It is so hard to make these choices but just keep your faith and pray for an answer. I have been and will continue to pray for you. Take your time to grieve and you will know when to move forward. I will leave you with this that has helped me...a quote by Mary Ann Radmacher -
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow."
*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Hi Jessah,

Don't give up. Just because you failed at CCRM doesn't mean it's not going to ever work. Believe in timing - right now may not be your time no matter how hard you try. But one day, when God says it is, then all will fall into place and everything will happen when it's supposed to. That is why the desire you have in your heart is still there. In the years when I was battling infertility - I tried everything and still ended up with nothing. Finally, after doing IVF and FET's at La Jolla RPMG - San Diego, it worked. I have to believe it worked because God said it was time. I don't think anything I could have done differently would have changed one thing. Babies choose their parents when their souls are ready. Your baby may not be ready yet, but he/she will come. Stay strong Love.

P.S - A few family members of mine recently annoucned their pregnancies; they are in their early 40's and have been trying for decades. IVF finally worked for them afer 10 years......Please continue to believe.

Ashley P said...

Jessah, I so admire your willingness to share your journey - as it happens - with all of us. You are an incredibly strong woman, who has been made stronger through this. While we did not go the IVF route (we chose adoption instead) I don't think that I will ever truly stop trying to have our own biological child. We plan to adopt one more time and then if God hasn't blessed us with a bio child by then we will consider IVF.

Don't give up friend! I know that God has a plan and you will be a Mama!! (we may not know the timing or details of His plan)

Ashley @ Life on the Parsons Farm
atparsons.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

That's the thing about ivf. You start out full of hope & expectations... You draw the imaginary line "we'll stop after x amount of tries, after x amount of dollars, etc.." only to find that the line moves. Each time you come to the cliff's edge, you look out & you realize you're not ready to give up. You start to consider options you never would've considered before. You move the line. You stand peering over the cliff & you build a bridge. You are exhausted emotionally but this longing keeps you going... Believing & hoping. Some would call it irrational, impractical... But isn't that love? The love for the child you know in your heart is waiting for you? I'm in your position right now. I'm in 2ww of 4th ivf. I don't know what the future holds, but I'll keep believing that God in fact, is going to rain down on this drought. I just have to prepare my heart. Maybe this struggle is to prepare us for how we will fight for our child.. To teach us patience & endurance. When we do hold our babies in our arms, it will be as soul quenching as a long drink of water in the desert. It will happen & it will be amazing. Hugs to you-
Brooke

Carolynn Markey said...

I know (a little) of your pain. I've had three miscarriages, and probably will never have a child (who knows?) I've been down. I've felt abandoned.

But then I remember.

God loves me.
God made me.
God is my God.

and I won't let anything change that.

No matter what biological problem I'm suffering from. God is still God. He still wants you to worship Him. He has not stopped loving you. In fact, he has always loved you.

Worship him in all things! Don't give up!

I too have felt like giving up.

I know sometimes words like this can hurt.

God is saying: keep loving me. Love Him. Love Him.

The song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real helps me so much. Give it a listen if you need a hug. A hug from God.

alesha said...

Lots of prayers and thoughts are still being sent your way. I hope you receive some clarity and peace.

bellehavendrive said...

You just don't think this is what it will come to. You've fought so hard; you deserve to finish this fight. If you are thinking about donor egg, I know it is hard and surreal, but I believe it will take a lot of pressure off. It could be the answer. And you're not alone. I'm so Jessah. This is heartbreaking.

ADSchill said...

I'm still so sorry Jessah. I can imagine how hard this all must be. You really do mourn the loss of your fertility and your own genetic offspring. I wish there was anything I could do to make this better.
Just know that there are other options...not your first choice, but still valid options that can bring you to motherhood. And who knows, that baby or child waiting for you, may be just what has been in your future all along. It took getting to this low place to turn your heart to another path and lead you straight to your baby. I truly think you ARE meant to be a mom. And I truly think you will be. Just not in the way you thought.

JoJo said...

My heart aches for you. That longing to be a mother someday feeling is so strong that I truly believe that one day we will be mothers. Praying that you find peace and comfort then follow what ur heart says.

Nikki said...

I'm so so terribly sorry. This just made me cry. We struggled with infertility too, and I don't know if I could have been as strong as you are. I'm praying for strength and a happy ending for you.

Amy said...

I hope your time to think, pray, and grieve will give you wisdom about the next step God will have you take. Prayers for you and your hubby!

Sarah said...

"I don't believe that God would put this desire in my heart
if He didn't intend for me to be a mother some day." No, you are right...that intense desire was put there because you are meant to be a Mom! Keep going friend. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Somehow..some way...you will have a little baby in your arms and life will never be the same again :) I truly believe this is your journey! You will get there! Do I wish it was an easier journey for you? Absolutely. But you will get there...keep moving forward xoxo

Northern Star said...

I have so much to say, yet still feel at a loss for words. I do wish things had turned out differently for you and A, but I hope that you continue to follow your dreams Jessah, in whatever way that means.

I think I understand all of what you are going through - spend all the time you need working through the grief. It's very real and very much needs to be processed before you can travel down the next road with peace of mind and an open heart.

You are so strong and I know that you will make it through this. I don't understand why fate has handed us endometriosis and everything that goes with it - the pain, the infertility, the early demise of our eggs. I didn't understand for so many years ... until I first held my daughter in my arms and every day since then.

I am thinking of you all the time. You are not alone. Hang in there.

Ashley said...

I believe God gives us the desire to be mothers because He put it there and He intends for us to become them. It may not look the way you always dreamed or pictured but I promise you it will be worth it! Praying for you!

conceptionallychallenged said...

No, I don't think I could. You will find your way.
I try not to spend much time thinking along the lines of "why me/why us?". But one of the why cries I had was to wonder, if God gave me a heart that wants nothing more than to be a mother, then why did he give me a body that struggles so much on the way there?
Thinking of you and praying for you on your road to motherhood.

Deborah said...

more than "like" love

Anonymous said...

Jessah,

We aren't ready to decide on the next step until we are at the next step. How do we know what that crossroad will even look like until we are there. Some people are able to prepare themselves ahead of time. A year ago I would have been devasted if someone mentioned donor egg to me. Today it gives me a sense of relief and hope. Even having adoption hanging out in the background makes me feel better because just like you, when you feel in your gut that you are meant to be a mom....you will do just about anything. And I believe that if someone is even willing to go through IVF then they really should be parents because thats something you do when you really really want a child. Today I'm still going through IVF but I'm prepared for the end of that road and turning onto donor egg street. I hope you find the sense of peace that I did with that. I've never met anyone who did feel like their child was all theirs from donor egg or adoption. I thought the dream of our genetics together was huge for me and it turns out it's not that big a deal. Seeing my husband as a father and parenting together is the real dream....growing a family is the real dream.

So while you soak it in and try to feel out your direction I just wanna say....Go for it Jessah! Go for the big dream! You will never regret that. xo Christine (mrswillis050611)

Lena Amstutz said...

I have been praying for you since your last post. I know in my heart that you would be an amazing mother. Your blog has been such an inspiration to me and others. Take some time and plan your next step, but never give up. Your right, God never puts a desire in your heart that can't be fulfilled. You WILL be a mom!

Anonymous said...

Im so incredibly sorry this is happening to you. There is just nothing that can be said that will help any of this make sense....it doesn't. It's just not fair. I can relate to what you are going through. I went through failed IVFs as well due to bad eggs. My body was failing me in the worst way possible. I was not in a place where I felt I could go through that again. And then I started reading....and researching. I found articles about how Menopur can be very damaging to egg quality. And if the eggs are already bad, the Menopur just makes it that much worse. I started to wonder if it would make a difference. I met with my RE and she agreed that it might be worth a shot. We did one more IVF without using any Menopur. It worked and now I have a son.

If you decide to try again, please consider mentioning this to your Dr. I truly believe that eliminating it from my protocol and adding coq10 to my daily vitamins brought my baby home to me.

Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to share what I've learned. If you visit SIRM's website (sher institute) you will find some information and wonderful articles by Dr Sher. That is where I read about Menopur first.

(I'm writing this with the assumption that Menopur was part of your protocol, as it seems to be pretty standard.)

Wishing you ALL the best in whichever direction this journey takes you next.

Suzanne said...

Never give up on your dreams. They may change direction a bit, but never give up. xoxo

Caravan Sonnet said...

Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry Jessah. I have no brilliant words to say but for very different reasons than your circumstances I could relate to the pain and questions of how to proceed in the future with very difficult health and medical news. All i can say is that y'all are in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing with us - you remind me that we are truly never alone in our battles. Prayers for comfort and mercy.
Rebecca

Kelly said...

Jessah your story breaks my heart. I wish I could offer something more than I'm sorry. I don't feel like your journey is over. I do believe there is a happy ending waiting for you, I hope it finds you soon and without more heartache! {{{{hugs}}}}

Melissa said...

Praying for you, girl.

Elyse said...

I can't even begin to imagine how heavy your heart must be feeling. It fills me with a sadness to think that anyone has to go through pain like this. Please know you are in my prayers. I pray your miracle baby will be a result of your next step, whatever that step may be.

Elyse said...

I can't even imagine how heavy your heart must be feeling. It fills me with a sadness to know their are so many families that experience the pain of infertility on a daily basis. Please know you are in my prayers and I pray your miracle baby will be a result of your next step, whatever that step may be.

Kym said...

I just want you to know that I think you are so brave for sharing your story <3 I think of you often and look forward to the day where you're holding the baby that's meant to be yours. xoxox

Weylin said...

Am thinking of you. I understand what you are feeling. I feel like I've grieved a thousand times and anytime I stop moving, the hurt is still there.

J said...

You will be a Mom, don't give up :)

J said...

Don't give up on your dreams, you will be a Mom:)

Emma Something said...

Oh Jessah, my heart is so sad for you. I can't imagine how it must feel after all this time and all those disappointments. Thinking of you and lifting you up in my prayers xx

Laura Provence said...

I have no advice to make this any better. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you and A.

J and A said...

Thinking of you! xo

Logan said...

I will be praying with you for peace, and for some clear direction. My heart hurts so deeply, and I cannot imagine the sense of loss you must feel. You are so right though: God has something up His sleeve!

Sally said...

Thinking of you and hoping you find the path that leads you to motherhood. Don't give up. xo

kharini said...

You don't have to give up! Thank goodness we are living in 2014 with so many options! I'm sure you'll find your way! xoxo

Amber said...

I was at a point once, like you, that I decided that I didn't want to live with any regrets. I didn't want to get into my late 40's/50's, lookin back and regret that we didn't try everything we could to pursue our family. As much as I would have liked to have created our babies with my own eggs, it just wasn't meant to be. God had other plans. Listen to your heart and to the direction the God is leading you to. It may not be the way you pictured it, but when you get there, it will be perfect.

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