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Saturday, January 11, 2014

holding onto hope


They say "comparison is the thief of joy."

There are always people who have it better than you do and people who have it worse. If you choose to compare your situation to those who have things "better"…you're certain to be unhappy. 

I bare this in mind as I reflect upon the results from my egg retrieval yesterday. 84% of the population is able to conceive with no cost, no effort (or very little) and no medical intervention. Of the 16% of people who seek fertility treatments to have children, many conceive by taking a clomid pill, doing IUIs or doing IVF once. One might say that those people have it better than me when it comes to conception.

But I'm well aware of all of my blogger friends who would die for my situation. Those using donor eggs/embryos. Those who can't afford infertility treatments. Those who have zero sperm and can't even attempt IVF. Or those who cycle and end up with no embryos at all. 

We've been blessed with good jobs and the help of so many wonderful angels to seek treatment at one of the best clinics in the country. And we still have, at least a chance, at our own biological child. That reality is not lost on me.

The retrieval 
Yesterday's egg retrieval went well. I had the same surgical nurse that I had during my last surgery and she's fantastic. CCRM was behind schedule and switched doctors on me right before surgery, which was a little unnerving. But Dr. B seemed to be a capable surgeon and I'm in very little discomfort today…so I take that to be a good sign.

Since we'd seen more follicles in ultrasounds than my last cycle, I was hoping to get about ten eggs. When I woke up, the nurse informed me that we got eight…one more than my last cycle. After the initial disappointment, I started focusing on praying for all of them to fertilize. Or at the very least, fertilize at the same rate as my last cycle, which would give us six more embryos to add to our bank.

Last night, I didn't sleep much as I laid awake praying and trying to think positive thoughts. Visualizing beautiful, strong, healthy embryos. 

Fertilization report 
This morning, we got the call from the embryologist and the report was not as good as we'd hoped. Despite the fact that all eight eggs were mature, we only have three embryos from this cycle which is a low fertilization rate for ICSI. He informed us that three degenerated (died) and 2 fertilized abnormally. With the two that fertilized abnormally, they had an extra chromosome. The embryologist could see two nucleus in the embryos even though only one sperm was inserted in each egg. Typically this is due to poor egg quality.

I'm worried for the growth and CCS genetic results of our remaining embryos considering the news about my egg quality. I already knew that I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), which typically means poor egg quality but it's still a slap in the face hearing it's already affected two of my potential babies.

Today, the four embryos from our last cycle were thawed. Both sets of embryos will grow and the cells will divide (God willing) in the lab in Denver starting today (Day 1). The embryos that make it to the blastocyst phase (Day 5) will be biopsied and tested for chromosomal abnormalities. 

So now we wait and pray. And hold onto the hope that our strong little fighters will keep growing until Thursday and at least a few of those embryos will be genetically normal to transfer. If we play the numbers game, CCRM gave us these stats:

50% of embryos will usually make it to blastocyst phase.
In my age range, they'd expect to see 60% of embryos come back normal.
So that'd give us, 1-2 normal, transferrable embryos if we are in line with the odds.

Of course, we are hoping to beat the odds. It will be a tough four days of waiting to hear from CCRM on our blast report and then another really long two weeks until our CCS results come back. 

Please pray for our four autumn embies and three winter embies...our lucky seven. And thank you again for all of your love, support and encouragement. I don't know where I'd be without it. 

57 comments:

Andrea said...

I wish you all the prayers In the world with your embryos growing to Day 5 and getting wonderful results! It is very hard waiting to hear the news of how many made it. My doctors told me that using 2/3 of the embryos are normal. In my case only 1/3 were normal (4 embryos our of 12). I hope you have at least two thirds. :)

Chelley N said...

I'm glad everything went well for you yesterday. Even though the results have not been quite a good as expected so far, you are still doing well! Praying for you!

Heather said...

Praying for you and those seven precious embabies!

Just T said...

I am also holding on to hope for you. We also had issues with the double nucleus, but had no idea it went with bad egg quality.

Amanda said...

Jessah, I'm so sorry the retrieval and fertilization report didn't go as expected. I intimately know how that feels now, so I'm so sorry you've had to go through that today! Lifting up you, A, and your 7 embryos! Holding onto hope for you, my friend! Hugs!

Lex said...

sending a few prayers and hugs your way! :)

Elisha Kearns said...

Yes girl you have my prayers right now!! I'm praying for your "lucky 7"!! Keep holding onto hope and faith in God because with Him and our faith in Him, all things are possible!! hugs!!!

waitingforbabybird.com

Laura Rahel said...

<3

Aubrey said...

Praying praying praying!!! I hope the days pass quickly until your blast report and even more quickly for you ccs report (I got my ccs results a week sooner than I had expected). I'm thinking of you and have all the faith in the world that one of your seven embryos is your miracle baby! XO

Charity said...

Praying for you without ceasing tonight. This is so much to take in it's just heartbreaking when the results aren't what we would expect. I believe God has a plan I believe your baby to be is amongst those embryos so excited to hear good news that's what I'm expecting! XO

Ashley said...

Praying!!

SmallTownFamily said...

Your odds are great! (Way better than ours.)

Keep the faith alive that more than your 50% will make it to day 5, and more than half come back normal.

Someone has to be on the positive side of the odds, why not you?!

Katie @ The Campbell's said...

Will be praying!! I am in the middle of my stims for another ivf round , we are adding the genetic testing this time as well. Praying for you and those little embryos.

shay said...

Ooooh, praying so hard for ya girl! Go Lucky 7!

An Airman and a Doctor said...

Oh Jessah, my thoughts and prayers and hopes are with you both. And for that beautiful lucky 7. Know I'm thinking of you!!

Cristy said...

Praying with my whole being for you, A and your beautiful 7 embies. Grow little ones, grow!!!!

JenS said...

Sending all the positive vibes I can to Denver. Hoping those little embryos continue to grow and thrive.

ADSchill said...

They say, all you need is one. It's not always the best circumstances, but I will pray this is your time. Just for reference: my retrieval produced 14 eggs, 10 fertilized, but only 5 became blasts. Two of our frozen arrested when thawed for our second transfer, so we really only had three viable out of 14, which is difficult to hear, but I supposedly had normal egg quality. Our very last frozen baby became our son, as you know.

I wish we had more left to use, but that child did get to us. So I try not to complain. I understand it's really hard not to compare as I have blog friends with a baby or two and multiple frosties to use for siblings.

I'll be thinking of you over this week and hope you get some good news. Hugs, A

conceptionallychallenged said...

Thinking of and praying for you and your embryos. I so much hope you'll one day be able to look back and say that it was worth it.

Finley S said...

I always find the 'stats' side so interesting and it often helps me find peace a lot of the time "knowing the numbers". I wish your seven all the luck in the world and will be saying a prayer for you tonight you lovely strong lady!

Endo_Life said...

Praying for your embies Jessah xx

Kimberly Q said...

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to the luck seven!

Mrs. G said...

Praying!!!!!

Elena Ridley said...

Thinking of you and praying, wishing, and hoping, fingers and toes crossed for your lucky 7! You are so strong. Lots of luck your way, good, positive thoughts! xoxo.

Em said...

Praying for them right now, Jessah. And praying for you.

Sarah said...

I'm so glad you updated! I've been thinking of you! I will pray hard for your 7! You're "lucky" 7 :) xox

Emily said...

Praying for the best possible outcome with the CCS. You are so right about comparison being the thief of joy. If we could all just let go of comparing ourselves to others, there would be so much less bitterness. No one else's situation determines our own though, so it makes no sense that we beat ourselves up by comparing to one another.

I'm looking forward to a good CCS report from you!

Infertile625 said...

I pray for you all the time. You have such a gift of being able to keep a level head about things you cannot control. Thinking nothing but good thoughts about the lucky 7!

Laura said...

Praying for those babies to beat the odds!

Aramis said...

It's so hard not to compare ourselves to other ladies who get tons of eggs, and have high fertilization rates. For what it's worth, I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts for lots of blastocysts and normal embryos.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Come on embies!!! Sending all kinds of good thoughts for you!

JoJo said...

I will be praying for your embryos to keep growing and come back normal. Hang in there Jessah. I'm glad you are viewing things in a optimistic way.

Team Harries said...

Praying and believing big things Jessah!!!!

Jennifer T said...

I am sorry things didn't go quite as you were expecting but I am hoping and praying that those are strong healthy embryos that end up being your beautiful baby/s. Hugs!

Kelly said...

Keeping you and your little embassies in my thoughts and prayers! You have worked so hard for this I know it will pay off soon! {{{{hugs}}}}

Nathalie Willmott said...

Praying xxx

Ashley {Life on the Parsons Farm} said...

It's amazing what the medical field is capable if when it comes to infertility and the ability to help make babies. IVF is not in the card for us at this point due to finances. Of course this is an avenue I am hoping to avoid by being able to get pregnant with a viable pregnancy on our own (unlikely since I've had three ectopic pregnancies) but it makes me wonder sometimes. With as much advancement there is you would think they would be able to come up with some way to ensure viable transfers. Many prayers are going out for you. I know you will have much success. This is YOUR time!!

Sunflower said...

Sending lots of good thoughts your way. All the best!

Lisa Mace said...

Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I wish you the best of luck, but I wouldn't "die" to be in your situation. I have 2 beautiful girls from donor egg IVF. A decision we made after being told the odds were against us if we tried own egg IVF due to premature ovarian failure. I have my family thanks to donor egg and I wouldn't change that for the world.

wishingwales said...

I'm hoping and praying for the best possible outcome, Jessah!

Kristin said...

Praying!

Kasey A said...

Praying for all 7 to be strong, beautiful, and healthy embryos! Also praying for your continued strength and healing! You are such an inspiration and I wish you guys nothing but the very best today and always! xo

gypsymamasjourney said...

I will be praying for you and your embryos!!!

Gurlee said...

Sending loads of fertile healthy thoughts to you and those embryos.

Laura Provence said...

I am new to your blog, but I wanted you to know that another fellow IVF-patient is praying for your success! Grow, embabies, grow!!

~Laura Provence
www.makingmoviesjealous.blogspot.com

Courtney Wilson said...

Also praying for you. Lots of great advice has already been given to you so I have nothing more of value to add. Keep your feet firmly planted like they are, you are already reaping the reward of your strength as you are inspiring others daily! :)

Lane and Bo Baxter and our hounds said...

Don't give up. I ended up only having 2 normal embryos and we transferred one and I am currently 20 weeks pregnant. A healthy, normal embryo is so much more successful and saves so much heartbreak of an embryo that would definately not have survived! Dont give up!!!

Aislinn said...

Sending lots of good thoughts to you, A, and your embryos. My fingers are crossed that at least one of them will be a fighter and bring you your baby!

Mrs. Lost said...

Prayers, prayers and more prayers coming your way!!

muddyfeelings said...

Praying hard for you and your embryos!!!!

Northern Star said...

I've been following along Jessah and am praying and hoping and crossing fingers and everything I can possibly do to send a happy ending your way. xoxoxoxo

Catherine said...

This post is lovely, it puts everything into perspective, especially for me. I am praying over you and your lucky seven now. I am also hoping you can find peace and that God's grace helps bide the time until your next report.

AM said...

Every time I read these posts of yours just want to reach out and give you a hug. Seriously you have been through so much and can only imagine how all those hormone injections must make you feel. You really are such a strong woman. No matter what happens or how it happens you are going to make the most amazing mother one day. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way.

Lisamarie said...

I'm praying for good day 5 blasts!

Kelly Z said...

Sending prayers your way! Hope the time passes quickly.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you! I have been following your blog and go back and forth if we should go to CCRM or do one more round with our clinic in CA. You are very brave and I wish good things for you.xx

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