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Saturday, January 25, 2014

and just like that…it's over.

The day after I wrote this post, we got a call from the embryologist informing us that our few embryos that were struggling didn't make it to the blastocyst phase. 
So we only have had the two.

Then we waited for another week for the CCS results to come back to tell us whether our two embryos were chromosomally normal. 

We received the call from Dr. S that they were not .
Neither one. 
Both abnormal.

He said that neither one would've resulted in a viable pregnancy. 
We would've had an early loss.
If they implanted at all.

And just like that…it's over.
We have nothing to transfer.

Our savings drained.
Over 9,000 miles travelled.
Countless injections and prayers.
All to give ourselves the best possible chance of achieving a healthy pregnancy
 and having our baby.

And it failed. 
If I let myself believe that it was all for nothing (which is what it feels like)…I will spiral into a deep, dark depression. And might not come out of it.

We got more answers. 
My eggs are not good. 
There is a very low chance of us ever having a child with my genes. 
We know that now. 


148 comments:

Aubrey said...

Jessah, I am just at such a loss for words. PLEASE know I'm here for you. I'm praying for peace strength and comfort for you. My heart aches right along with yours. Thinking of you my sweet friend! XO

kharini said...

I'm so sorry Jessah, I've been thinking about you all week and checking for updates. You are probably destroyed right now, I know the feeling all too well. But when you feel like thinking about the future, please call me. Big hugs to you!!! xo

Ashley P said...

Oh honey! I am so so sorry. Prayers for peace and comfort are on their way right now!

Amanda said...

Oh Jessah! My heart breaks for you! This is such a hard journey... I wish I had some direction or words of wisdom for you! I'm so, so sorry! Thinking of you, my friend! Big hugs!

ADSchill said...

Oh hon, I am so so sorry. I just can't imagine how hard this would be to accept. I was so hopeful that this would be it. Please know I am thinking of you and wishing I could be there. You aren't out of options...even though at this point you may not be feeling like thinking about it. One thing at a time. Rest your soul my friend. Many prayers.
MissC

Sally said...

Praying hard for you. xo

Infertile625 said...

I am choking back tears for you. I am devastated for you. I had so much hope for you. I still do but I am so deeply saddened by your loss. Jessah, sweet girl, there are no words. There are no silver linings. Right now. There will be with the new answers but for right now dear friend let yourself grieve. You are strong. You will emerge.... Stronger. Bruised and battered but more determined then ever to achieve whatever it is that you and A determine to be the next step. Even if that step is to live as two. Please know that I am sending every ounce of my love and peace your way. If only I could make this better for you. Bigger hugs than the biggest hugs ever. Much love.

Beth and Harrison said...

Oh dear I am so terribly sorry. I know there are no words that can be said right now that will make things better or ease what you are going through so all I can offer are my thoughts and prayers. May God comfort you and wrap you in His loving embrace during this time.

Kate @ Classy Living said...

My heart just breaks for you. I don't know what words would ever even begin to help with the pain, so just know that I am praying for you.

Beth and Harrison said...

Oh Jessah, I am so, so terribly sorry. I know that there are no words to be said right now that can ease your pain. I will be praying for you during this time. May God comfort you and wrap you in His loving embrace.

Cristy said...

There are no words to express how sorry I am to hear this news. I'm absolutely heartbroken for you and A. Holding you in my heart and praying from afar.

Nina S said...

I am so very sorry Jessah. Eventually I hope you take solace in knowing you saw it through to the end. Sometimes having expensive answers is more consoling than having free unanswered ones. There just aren't any words to make this better. You're in my thoughts...

Kasey A said...

Ohh Jessah my heart just breaks for you. I'm so sorry. Praying for you!!

sunlavender said...

I'm sorry. I hope you find peace in the coming days.

Kristin said...

My heart aches for you. It brings back memories from our IVF cycle. It's heart breaking. My prayers will be with you as you grieve your loss. I'm so sorry.

Megs said...

I am so, so sorry, Jessah. I've been following your blog for a long time and I've never posted on it before. My heart breaks for you. You've been so strong and so brave and this is completely unfair. But I don't believe this journey was all for nothing - I think knowing and having answers is important - if you hadn't done this, if you hadn't given it the absolute best shot possible, you always would have wondered "what if". I'm thinking of you.

Mrs Green Grass said...

I'm sorry Jessah. My heart goes out to you so much! I agree that it's not for nothing even if it's really hard to figure it out. Big hugs.

Kaity said...

I'm so sorry lady. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, but I truly believe that if you want to be a Mama, you will be. You're in my heart <3

Ashley said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry! Please don't lose hope. (See my latest blog post.) I'm praying for you.

Sarah J said...

I am so sorry. There are no other words adequate enough but sorry. And that life isn't fair at all.

{{hugs}}

Brianna said...

I'm sorry. I'm glad you have answers/confirmation, but it doesn't make receiving this news any easier to her.

Jennifer T said...

Oh Jessah, I am so so sorry. I know this will not make you feel better but you are not alone. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Again, I'm so sorry! Sending you a big hug!

Mrs. Lost said...

I am so sorry Jessah.. My heart goes out to you right now and I will be praying..

jAllen said...

Oh Jessah, my heart is breaking for you and I wish I could give you a big hug! Please give you and A time to grieve and take care of each other during this time. Know we are here to help you in any way we can!

For what it's worth, I had to do what felt like a desparation transfer on day 3 as my embryos didn't look very good, thus forgoing an opportunity to do CCS testing, but my RE was worried that we might not have anything to transfer if we waited to see if any progressed to become blasts. One of my embies implanted, but it was abnormal (trisomy 16) and I have one blast that may or may not be normal to transfer.

I would have rather known if we had any normal usable embryos right from the start, even if the answer was that we had none.

Megan said...

I don't post very often but I want you to know I've been following your journey and was rooting for you and I still am! I'm so so sorry. Hang in there.

~ Megz ~ said...

I am so very sorry. I wish I had words to say that would somehow ease this pain...My prayers are with you...

Amber said...

Oh my gosh Jessah, I am so sorry and so very heartbroken for you. I hope that you are able to take a little bit of comfort in the fact that you tried everything and don't ever have to look back and think "I wish we woulda..." I've been there and had to give up on my eggs as well so I know a least a little if what you are going through, although I know it's different for everyone. Hugs Jessah. I wish I could give you a great big hug in person, but through my phone/computer will have to do.

Rach said...

Oh I'm so, so, so sorry to hear this! Sending prayers, positive thoughts and lots of hugs your way! :-(

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your news. This must be such hard news. Please never lose hope, no matter what. You have to know that some day all of this journey will have meant something,even if it is devastating now. As someone who went through 7 years of infertility and treatment, I nearly did give up. Sending you lots of love, positive vibes and a big hug. May God bless you.

Paige said...

Jessah - I've been following your blog for a while, but have never commented. I want you to know that I went through a very similar experience. After 3 IUIs and 2 IVF cycles (4 transfers), it was determined that I too had poor quality eggs. We did have one embro implant, but it was very short lived. After IVF failed I didn't see the point of pursuing anymore fertility treatments, but my husband and I continued to try on our own for a miracle baby. After nine months of carefully timed intercourse I got pregnant! The only medication I was on was a blood thinner. I immediately went to the specialist who put me on all kinds of drugs in attempts to save this one. I am happy to report that today I am 15 weeks pregnant and everything looks great with the baby. The doctor believes that it just took the right embryo. It may have taken us years to find it, but it finally happened. So the point of my comment is to tell you to not give up! I know that it seems like this is the end of the road, but that's not always the case. You may just have not found your miracle embryo yet!

Just T said...

I have no words right now. You are in my thoughts Jessah. So unfair.

{Jessica} said...

I'm so sorry, sweet Jessah. I don't have any words that will make this better. All I can say is that I'm thinking about you, praying for you, and hoping that you don't give up on your dream of becoming a mama - no matter what that ends up looking like. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you.... I have no words. Wishing you all the best! xo

Melissa said...

I am so so sorry, jessah. I know there is nothing else to say. I am praying for you. xoxo

Morgan Brooks said...

Jessah, I just can't even imagine. My heart is broken for you. My husband and I are praying for you two. You are so strong. I don't know how you do it! I am literally speechless. But, know this, you are so loved by so many.

Elena Ridley said...

Jessah, my heart is breaking for you right now. I know when it comes to me, at first I dont like to hear anything positive so I will just leave you with a *hug* and a tear and hope that you will take care of yourself. So much love your way. <3

Laura Rahel said...

I love you. You will do great things. And you are worth every bit of time/effort/energy/money you put into this. <3

Erika said...

I'm so, so sorry, Jessah. This is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine how sad yall must be. :( Much love, many hugs and prayers, my friend.

mallory said...

I am so sorry. I hope somewhere in all of this you will find peace.

JoJo said...

Oh Jessah my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry. I wish I could find a way to make this all better. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jessah. I'm deeply sorry- and that comes from a place of understanding. I've posted before, anonomously. I'm 36, married to a fireman (we don't have the $$ for endless cycles) and we've just received the fertilization report on our 4th ivf. It was poor. We'll be lucky to get a 3dt. There are no words to describe the grief of not being able to continue on your genes, your family. It is a kind of black hole. But, I do believe it forces you to answer this question: what it really most important about being a mother? For me, it's not dna. You may not be ready to think about donor eggs, but I can tell you that I personally know 2 women who are beyond happy thanks to that gift. You will be happy again,

Anonymous said...

Dear Jessah
I have never commented before now but have read every post of your journey.
Tears are falling for you as I write this, I wanted to believe that for all you have been through, this time it would be different.
It has not been for nothing, even though I understand why it feels that way. One day you will be a mum and because of your story... You will be the best mum a child can have.
Be kind to yourself as you grieve your loss, my thoughts are with you from the other side of the world.

Deni said...

If positivity and prayers made babies, you'd have one. You and me both. I can only tell you this one truth, if you feel that you are meant to be a mother- you WILL be, you just don't know how or when but please have faith that your miracle is coming, one way or another, and it will be exactly what you never knew you always wanted.

Breanna said...

I'm so sorry Jessah :( I don't remember if you went over this but have you considered embryo donation?I am praying for you and your husband <3

Emily said...

There are no words I can say that seem sufficient Jessah. Please just know that I love you and am thinking of you and praying for you to get some sort of peace coming to terms with this news and for clarity in any next steps for you and your hubby. xo

Joanna mom of 3 said...

I am so very sorry!!!
My husband & I have just started our ivf journey, & I have been reading all that you have written. It takes a very strong person to open yourself up to the entire world, but, as someone that just recently started following you, you have really made me feel that we are not alone. Thank you!!!
I was so hoping that this would work for, knowing that it was your final attempt.
My husband & I will also have only one attempt, finacially, we can't afford it, but we have allowed this one attempt, my husband says no regrets in life. No, you did not do the ivf for nothing, you tried, you fought very hard to bring your child into this world. If you didn't try, you would be having regrets.
I wish you & your husband the best in life!!!
Hugs!!!
Joanna :)

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. While it's hard to hear (as I hated to hear it too), there are always other alternatives. While it's heartbreaking to know your child may not have your genes, you will still become a mother in one way or another. Take time to grieve now and when you're ready, you will know what your next steps are.

rhonda said...

I'm sorry. I wish I had more, but I know nothing can ease the pain.

Becky said...

I'm so sorry... :(

Sarah said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry... I know that although you have these answers, it doesn't take away the pain and hurt of it all. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. Thinking of you, xo

Bethany Lee said...

All I can say is that I'm so very sorry, and my heart aches for you.

Lisa {Amateur Nester} said...

There's obviously no words for this... You're in my prayers tonight. Hugs.

Sarah said...

Oh friend :( I am so heartbroken for you both. Sending you lots of love and prayers so you can stay afloat and heal. xoxoxoxox

JenS said...

I am so, so sorry. This sucks.

faithtrusticsidust said...

I am so sorry! No words will make this better but please know you are in my thoughts ♥

The Granberrys said...

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what your feeling or how difficult this is...but I am praying for HIS perfect plan to be revealed to you and your husband and that you will feel a peace the surpasses all understanding.

conceptionallychallenged said...

Jessah, I'm terribly sorry to read this. It's not just the injections and the money, but all that hope, all that love that went towards your future family...
Over the last few months I've come to think of it this way: even if today brings bad news, it brings us closer to having our families. Because we will get there, eventually - perhaps on a different path than we originally thought, perhaps with different timelines or genes. But somehow we will find a way. And each day gets us one day closer.
Thinking of you and sending hugs and love.

bellehavendrive said...

Jessah, there are no words. What you have given.. Ugh it's just not fair. I hope you can find peace in at least having some more answers, but this is not the way it was supposed to be. I'm so deeply sorry...

JJ said...

I am so sorry Jessah. Sending thoughts and prayers to you. Be gentle to yourself as you process this news.

Stacie said...

Many, many hugs to you. I am so sorry.

Laura said...

There are no words. I'm holding you in my heart.

Amy said...

Oh honey, there are no words. I am so sorry, my heart hurts for you. But I also believe you will be a mum, I don't know how and don't know when but I know in my heart you will be. Keep strong. Sending lots of love xoxoox

parveen gajera said...

I feel your sadness. I wish some miracle will happen and you will have children soon.

Anonymous said...

I feel your sadness. I hope some miracle will take place and you will have babies soon. Stay strong. Pray hard.

Elisha Kearns said...

oh girl I am so sorry. I can't imagine the feelings that have flooded over you. I wasn't sure what to write to you so I went ahead and closed out of your post and I opened my email. Each morning I have a devotion sent to my account. Today the title was "Facts change but God's Truth Remains." I knew that God was speaking that to you. It basically said that what the doctors tell you, what the statistics say, whatever facts you are facing changes...but God's truth of the matter is truth and it will never change. What you see today (your facts) can't stand a chance against God's Word. Keep believing and standing on His word in the face of all the enemies opposition towards you.

Do you remember my favorite verse right now? I put it in one of my blog posts recently. It is Matthew 19:26 which says, Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Love ya girlie! xoxo

waitingforbabybird.com

Kim @ Infertile Myrtle said...

Jessah, I am so heartbroken for you. You and A have been such models of strength throughout this journey, I can't imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling. Please know you are in my prayers; I wish I could reach through & give you a hug.

Stephanie said...

Oh girl I am so sorry and sad to hear this news. This was definitely not all for nothing; it may be hard to see that now, but hopefully in the future it will be a little clearer. HUGS!!!

Darcie K said...

There are no words I can write to explain the heartbreak I feel for you. I am so sorry Jessah. This is just not freaking fair. At all. I will be saying many prayers for you and A. Prayers that God lifts you up and helps you through this very dark and sad time. Prayers that this storm end.... And soon! Big virtual hugs my friend xoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers.

amberlynn said...

I'm so sorry. I just thought you should know I pray for you every night. Have you thought about what u will do next. Egg doner, adoption? Again I'm so sorry.

Liam's Mom said...

You don't know me, but I started following your story when we were experiencing a delay in becoming pregnant. I'm so sad to read this post, and I don't have anything to say that could possibly ease your broken heart. I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and A, and have complete faith that God will complete your family. Praying diligently for you. Love, Crystal

Kimberly Q said...

I am so sorry to read this news. It sucks. But know that whatever avenue you decide to take, your children will be yours!

Stephanie Johnson said...

So sorry to hear that. I'm praying for you during this difficult time.

Catherine said...

There are no words :( :(

I am SO sorry...nobody deserves this level of disappointment.

A Life Without Mofongo said...

I'm so sorry, I know that this mightn't help to ease your pain but I do pray for you everyday. If you ever wish to talk my email is melinad32@gmail.com

Caroline said...

Praying for you Jessah. That you feel the Lord's presence and that despite this isn't the news you wanted, that you still receive a peace from him!

Anonymous said...

I've just been through the same...3 failed IVFs ( minus the traveling) and one thing I know for sure is that effort and hard work have NO correlation with success. Trying harder does not pay off in this case.

1stcomesloveblog said...

I am so sorry. I have no words. I'm just very sorry.

Anonymous said...

As I struggle with the start of fertility treatment myself, my heart breaks that this is where you have ended. I have nothing that can be said to ease your pain, and for that I am sorry. I am not a religious individual myself, more of a free spirit in that realm, but I will whole heartily pray for you and your husband as you try to recover from this. Sending all the love I can from Florida.

Anonymous said...

Jessah,
I am so sorry. I was checking your blog for updates and hoping for good news. There is nothing I can imagine saying that can make it feel better but I hope that with time the pain will subside.

We have just finished our second cycle at CCRM and I am too waiting for the call from the embryology lab so I know how that feels...

However, this doesn't have to be the end of the road for you. Fortunately, modern medicine gives us new options like the donor eggs. After all, we can adopt entire kids, why not just an egg?
There are donor egg programs in Europe that only costs a fraction of CCRM costs. Once you have time to consider everything, maybe you should look into it.

Good luck!

Mary


Sausha said...

I am so so sorry for this news. I know nothing I can say will help, but you're in my thoughts. Keep strong.♥

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your husband.

Holly said...

oh hun I hate this for you. I hate the pain and anger that comes with realizing prayers have been so unanswered and the feeling of rejection from above. You have fought so hard for so long and your faith has been so high. In hindsight I'm glad you didn't have to go through the high of a positive preg test if they were abnormal, but that doesn't take the pain away :( love to you.

AM said...

Read your post just now and all that ran through my mind was nooooo. And I know there are probably no words that could truly console you right now. Just know you are not alone on your journey. It hurts and you must let it hurt, express all those emotions as well but don't stay too long in the place where all you think about is what you cannot have or do. Someone with your love and passion to become a mother will eventually be a mom. Maybe it won't happen in the way you envisioned but I do believe it will happen in a way that's meant to be. In the meantime still going to send lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way!

Meanttobemommy said...

I am heartbroken for you. Hugs and prayers for you.

Sidney said...

I've been following your story for awhile and although I cannot imagine the heartache and hopelessness you feel, I believe that you will be able to find hope in your future. Not being able to have my own child has always been a great fear of mine (I haven't made it to the point of trying yet). I keep telling myself that if it is not meant to be, then I was just meant to adopt a child instead. I'm hoping that still rings true for me if I travel a similar road as you. I believe your will to be a mother and have a family is strong if you went this far - you are meant to be one and you will. That's just the way it's supposed to be :) Keep your head up and I'll definitely be thinking of your family during such a disappointing time.

Liz Snowflake said...

Biggest, most squishiest hugs coming to you from Texas. I am so sorry to read of this latest news. I remember getting similar news and it is like the most crushing, painful punch to the gut ever.

Grieving the loss of a genetic child is similar to grieving a death. It takes time to move forward...and take as much time as you need and take lots of care of yourself.

We went right to donor embryos because we have both MFI and egg issues but I have a secret Donor egg facebook group I could add you to if you wanted. Just let me know...lots of amazing ladies there are to support you when you are ready.

Again, biggest hugs. Infertility is so effing unfair.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jessah,
I just recently came to find your blog as I was preparing for my ODWU at CCRM.
I am so terribly sorry for this result. I have no words.
I am thinking of you and sending all my prayers.
Karen

coll said...

My heart is broken for you. It took me six years to get pregnant. In each IVF transfer I only had one viable embryo transfer. In my last attempt, with one embryo I was able to get pregnant. My FSH score was16.. I did not had very good eggs. Keep the Faith!!! I never lost my strong belief that I would have a child:)

Aramis said...

Oh no Jessah. I have no words other than to tell you how sorry I am. You are both in my thoughts.

Life With Ivette said...

I'm sending you lots of love!

Mrs. H said...

I am so so very sorry at the pain you are feeling right now. We are praying for you, for your strength, for your future children. You are so strong! You can and you will get through this! Love you girl.

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry to here this. :(

Hope said...

Jessah ... I'm so sorry. It's just devastatingly hard. It's clear that you gave this cycle the absolute best chance you could. Having been through a failed (no eggs fertilized) cycle too, I can imagine the vast amount of effort and heart you poured into this try.

The purpose of it all? I don't know; I'm still waiting for clarity. What's helped pull me out of the deep, dark place you described are routines and connections with others. Meanwhile ... I'm sending love and prayers for whatever brings you comfort tonight.

Ana said...

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry. I usually don't comment much, but I've been following your journey. There's nothing I could say to make you feel better, but please know I've been praying for you. I'm sorry again. xoxo

Meg Fleshman said...

Jessah I'm really sorry for what you and your husband must be going through. I know there is little I could actually say to comfort you, but just know that you are loved by and in the prayers of many. You're a strong woman and I'm grateful for your example. You'll both be in my thoughts.

teamhop said...

I'm so sorry. This is just not the way it's supposed to be. Praying for you!

Dream Chase said...

Jessah, I am so, so sorry!! *hugs*

Liz said...

I'm so sorry. I think you have the right attitude in trying to learn something from this process. Take care of yourself ((hugs))

Gurlee said...

Oh no, I am so, so sorry. Words cannot not express how deeply sorry I am. I know it's no consolation but I wish that I could give you a great, big hug. Take time to grieve and when you are ready, think about the other options. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

Kristin J said...

I am so sorry. Praying hard for you right now.

The Run Away Stork said...

Jessah I'm so sorry about your sad news. It's just such an unfair situation and makes me so mad that you have to experience this. I hope that your faith can bring you some peace. And I pray that you can also find the courage and hope to keep moving forward whatever that next step might be for you. Please know that there is a whole community of people here praying for you and wishing nothing but the very best. You are not alone - we are in this together.

KHip said...

I know you don't know me, and I have only been following your story for about a year. But it seems like we are on similar paths.

I am so sorry. None of this is fair, or makes it any less heartbreaking.

I hope you find your peace soon.

Weylin said...

I don't know that I can brighten your your day today. But I am in the same boat, I know how you feel, have been there and wish I could give you a hug. It is not fair. You don't deserve this kind of desolate, cruel heartache.

Catherine said...

Wow! I was just introduced to your blog via a friend, and this first post that I read was like an arrow to the heart. CCRM is also our home away from home, and we got the exact same call from Dr. S in August. Got two highly rated eggs that came back from CCS as not viable (for the third time). So after 3.5 years of trying, 2 failed IUIs, 6 failed IVFs, and 1 miscarriage, we also are now facing the bitter reality that we'll never have a child with my genes. It's been a few months so I'm slowly coming out of the spiral you mentioned. It's hard, and I have to force myself to grieve instead of avoiding. You will find a way out of the tailspin. Don't put a timeframe on it. Do allow yourself to grieve. Do allow yourself to feel every once of the sadness, bitterness, and disappointment. You will get there too. I promise. I wish you all the strength you need. All my best!

Lena Amstutz said...

So, so sorry about this news. I will be praying for you through this.

monica yard said...

This absolutely breaks my heart. I'll send up some extra prayers with your name on them. I'm so sorry to read this sad update. :*(

Charity said...

This news has saddened me. But I prayed for you to have peace and strength through this time. I pray that you and A cling to each other and to God. I am so sorry Jessah! I am covering you in prayer!

shay said...

oh no.... I am SO SO Sorry to read this... sending lots of hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Jessah.

soreadyforyou said...

Oh Jessah. I'm so sorry to read this news, and can only imagine how devastating it is for you after all of your hard work. However, I know that you'll bring the same determination and focus to the next step of your journey as you brought to your CCRM adventure, and that will bring you motherhood in the end, even if it's not in the way you had imagined. For now, I'm thinking of you.

LT said...

Jessah,

I want to first say how sorry I am about the news you received. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. What I do know, is that you did everything in your power. In 5 years, you will be able to look back and know you gave it your all, and for that, you should have no regrets. God has bigger things planned for you.

You should know that by sharing your journey, you have helpled many other women/couples, including me. I was at CCRM the same time you were this last round. I was a couple of days behind you with the retreival and your updates helped me tremendously. You helped prepare me for what was ahead and took some of the "scary unknown" out of the equation. I know it probably doesn't mean much at this very moment, but I am greatful for your courage and honesty and for helping me through the hardest thing I hope either of us ever have to go through.

In time, I hope you continue to share your journey as I am excited to learn what is in store for you.

Holly Olsen said...

There are no words, just that I am so sorry. Praying for peace and strength for you right now.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you got such devastating news. My heart is breaking for you.

Courtney Wilson said...

God, I am so so so so sorry to hear the news. I know it is so hard to believe God is there in this storm but he most certainly has his hand in your journey. Praying for a miracle for you both!

Christina Schergen said...

awwwww. I have no words of comfort for you. My heart is breaking right along side yours. hugs!I am lighting you up in prayers!

Shelley said...

Oh Jess, I read your post yesterday and still have a pit in my stomach. I am so so SO sorry to hear this terrible news. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Take good care of yourself.

Suzanne said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat as you. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your emotions, your time and story with all of us. I will pray that you find peace like i have (sometimes). You have have been a blessing to someone like me who cannot really talk openly about infertility but you know exactly how I feel. Big hugs to you!!

Kelly Z said...

Oh Jessah! I'm so so sorry. Sending many hugs you're way.

ksirahsirah said...

My heart broke for you when I read this post. I know nothing I say will help, but want you to know that I care for you and I am so sorry.
Please know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk/vent/scream/cry… Sending you light and love –and a million and one hugs.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry that your incredibly long journey has taken this awful turn. I've just started following your story, and believe that you are one strong woman who will one day make the most amazing mother. It may not be the way you envisioned it, but it's going to happen for you. We are about to start down a similar path with CCRM...embryo banking after 2 failed transfers and one miscarriage. I am keeping you in my thoughts; thank you so much for sharing your painful and brave story with me.

infertilityabsurdity said...

Oh no, I am so, so very sorry. I know that there are no real words that can provide comfort but please know we are out here sending strength and love.

Kelley Gilster said...

I'm a new follower of your blog. I'm so sorry to hear this Jessah! Sending you hugs and love.

Kayla MKOY said...

Just saw you leave your first comment on my blog and I decided to hop on over to yours. I'm also looking forward to getting to know you. You poor thing though, I am so sorry to hear this news. You are so right though, keep that positive attitude and something GOOD will come from this. You and your husband are now in my prayers!!!!!

Emily moran said...

Your so strong.. You can always improve the quality of your eggs don't ever give up. Have some herbs and go again. www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com.au/

Kristin said...

Praying for you, Jessah. Praying that Jesus can comfort you as only He can!

Mrs B. said...

I am so so sorry. Words cannot describe how heartbroken I feel for you.

Janna Renee said...

Girlfriend, there isn't a damn thing that I could say to make this better. Just know that my heart goes out to you, and that I'm always here for you. {{HUGS}}

Marcy said...

I was out for a walk yesterday and the sun was peacefully streaming through the trees. I stopped and took a moment to grieve for the loss of your genetic child that you have held in your heart and dreams for so long. Through sharing your dreams you have enriched the lives of so many. Let us all be here for you now to lift you up and give you strength. Hugs.

katytrackslife said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear it:(( I'm a long time reader but I never commented till now. I've been through some similar hardships in my life and it took me 6 long years to achieve a viable pregnancy. What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone, infertility sucks big time!!!! The news you received are terrible and impossible to comprehend after everything you've been through, but please do not give up!!!!! It might seem unimaginable right now but I'm sure you will achieve a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy biological children. Just talk to your doctor and make sure that he explains what your options are at this point. Try a different protocol before you move on to donor eggs. I believe in miracles! Take care and stay strong!
Julia

Mrs Harris said...

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out. What is your next steps?

Have you looked into IVM? We're doing IVM before we go the IVF route. They remove immature eggs and mature them invitro. I'm so sorry your journey has been so long and emotionally exhausting. After my newest RE told me LAST YEAR that I should get pregnant in NO TIME I'm sitting here a year later waiting for AF to start sometime today) so I can take more magic baby pills.

Lilee said...

Oh Jessah, I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and praying for you.

Aislinn said...

Oh Jessah I'm so so sorry.

Emma Something said...

I have no words. I am so sorry, sending you a big hug and sending up prayers for you xxx

Em said...

Oh Jessah...there are no words. I am just so sorry. Sending my love and prayers your way. Wishing I could wrap you up in a big hug.

Missy said...

I read this post last night and sobbed. Sobbed until I couldn't shed one more tear. Mostly because the feelings of my own 9-year battle with fertility is still in the back of my mind. Still there to remind me of the pain, the disappointment and the shear frustration from wanting something that was clearly out of reach. I wish I could take the pain away, Jessah. I wish I could wave a magical wand and make your dream of being a Mom true. God, how I wish I could. I'm sorry for your loss. For the pain and the disappointment. Please know that we - your blogging community - friends....are always here for you. We love and support you. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Please don't ever hesitate to reach out...

Suzanne said...

I can't even put into words how sorry I am. I know how much you put into these cycles with CCRM.

Hang in there, dear friend. You are going to be a mother. No doubt. And a really fantastic one, at that. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Jessah. I've felt your anguish after 3 failed cycles. I've been desperate, depressed, inconsolable crying in the fetal position. It felt surreal. This couldn't be real. I've begged God to take the desire for a child away from me. Yet it remains. I believe that this desire is God-given. But trusting Him isn't enough. I realize that I have to love Him & praise Him whether I become a mother, or not. THIS has been a soul searching realization. It hurts. I get angry. I read a quote the other day while in my zomby-depressed state: "Do not let your struggles become your identity." Not sure who said it, but it hit me- It helped me to replace some of the depression w/ anger... I literally said " infertility, you SUCK. I hate what you've done to me. But you won't beat me." You may still get pregnant naturally, BUT there is nothing you can do to make it happen. Let go. Take the weight off your shoulders & lay it at His feet. You may decide that you're done w/ the struggles & sadness & are ready to move on to another option which would bring you great joy. Remember, whatever child you have, God chose for YOU. Feel the pain, feel the fear and move forward through it. You can do it. You're a bright, brave ivf survivor on her twisty way to motherhood.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Oh Jessah I am so sorry! I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you guys. Thinking of you.

Mammamoiselle said...

I found your blog a while back after participating in your mug swap. I kept comging back because i was in awe of your strength. Having gone through cycles myself, I know your struggle and I know there is nothing to say to ease what you feel. I cried for you reading this post. Just know you are not alone - Hugs.

Kelsey said...

My heart goes out to you! So sorry!

TwoPlusOne said...

I'm so sorry Jessah :( It is really unfair, and I don't have anything to say that will help you. But just wanted to say that your blog has been providing inspiration to a lot of women, including myself. Here's hoping that you can put this behind you soon, and that life has better news in store for you, cause you so deserve it.

Northern Star said...

This news has knocked the wind out of me and has brought many tears to my eyes. Oh Jessah, I am so sorry for your losses. Hugs a million times over.

Julia Spencer said...

Gosh, I am so, so sorry. I've been in a similar place. At CCRM, with no normals. It's so unfair.

Sending you a big hug as you work through your next steps. Keep us posted. xoxox

Whitney B. said...

I'm so very sorry Jessah, what awful news. My heart breaks for you, I had to share with someone, so I told my mom and we both shed tears of sadness for you and your sweet family. I just hate this, know you are being prayed for and thought about. So very sorry.

muddyfeelings said...

I am really, really sorry Jessah for all you're going through. Having been through an IVF with no CCS normals, I know how gut-wrenching it can be. Please know that you will always be in my prayers. Sending you many, many hugs...

Mrs. E said...

I'm so sorry, Jessah. I wish there was something better to say... Just know you're in my prayers.

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