I'm pretty sure this is what depression feels like. After my egg retrieval (6 days ago), my nurse told me that my period would come between 4 to 14 days...so maybe I'm just PMSing. I hope so.
In my logical mind, I know that we made forward progress this cycle. It may not have been enough to proceed with CCS testing and a transfer. But we have four embryos on ice. Yet, somehow it feels like we are back at square one. I feel sad, lonely and empty. It just doesn't ever seem like this chapter of our lives is going to end.
I feel like giving up. But know that I won't. That I can't. We've come this far. Finally, we're closer than we've ever been. But I really don't want to play anymore. I want to take my ball and go home. Crawl under the covers and sleep for a month.
Wake up. Check my bank statement. See my savings reinstated. Go to Italy on a European vacation. Like people who don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars for the mere chance of having a baby. Yes, I'm having a really big pity party right now.
I'm stressed about coming up with the money for our next cycle. And if I'm being honest, I'm pissed that I couldn't just be one of those "one and done IVFers".
Fine, fine. I have to experience infertility. But couldn't I be one of the ones that IVF works for on the first try. It's really sad when I'm even jealous of other infertiles who only had to go through IVF once. If my first IVF attempt at my local clinic would've worked, I'd be blogging about going into labor right now.
Based on my retrieval and transfer dates, my due date was supposed to be October 9th. Next Wednesday. If it had been a success, I'd be huge and uncomfortable. Anxious about labor. I'd have the nursery decorated and a name picked out. Instead, I'm drinking a glass of wine, alone, 40 thousand dollars in the hole, stressed about coming up with another 20 thousand more....and generally thinking that life sucks.
Taking a melatonin and going to bed. Yes, at 5:30pm on a Friday night.