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Friday, October 4, 2013

square one

I'm pretty sure this is what depression feels like. After my egg retrieval (6 days ago), my nurse told me that my period would come between 4 to 14 days...so maybe I'm just PMSing. I hope so. 

In my logical mind, I know that we made forward progress this cycle. It may not have been enough to proceed with CCS testing and a transfer. But we have four embryos on ice. Yet, somehow it feels like we are back at square one. I feel sad, lonely and empty. It just doesn't ever seem like this chapter of our lives is going to end.

I feel like giving up. But know that I won't. That I can't. We've come this far. Finally, we're closer than we've ever been. But I really don't want to play anymore. I want to take my ball and go home. Crawl under the covers and sleep for a month. 

Wake up. Check my bank statement. See my savings reinstated. Go to Italy on a European vacation. Like people who don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars for the mere chance of having a baby. Yes, I'm having a really big pity party right now.

I'm stressed about coming up with the money for our next cycle. And if I'm being honest, I'm pissed that I couldn't just be one of those "one and done IVFers". 

Fine, fine. I have to experience infertility. But couldn't I be one of the ones that IVF works for on the first try. It's really sad when I'm even jealous of other infertiles who only had to go through IVF once. If my first IVF attempt at my local clinic would've worked, I'd be blogging about going into labor right now.

Based on my retrieval and transfer dates, my due date was supposed to be October 9th. Next Wednesday. If it had been a success, I'd be huge and uncomfortable. Anxious about labor. I'd have the nursery decorated and a name picked out. Instead, I'm drinking a glass of wine, alone, 40 thousand dollars in the hole, stressed about coming up with another 20 thousand more....and generally thinking that life sucks.

Taking a melatonin and going to bed. Yes, at 5:30pm on a Friday night. 


50 comments:

Infertile625 said...

Hugs girlie.

Andrea said...

I sympathize with you. The whole IVF journey sucks! I've been going through it for almost 3 years. I wish I would have been one to get pregnant on the first try too, but no such luck. I finally went on depression meds this past spring. The doctor gave me Zoloft because I can take it even if I get pregnant. It has helped me tremendously. I would suggest asking your doctor about it. I wish you blessings as you continue your journey to becoming a mother. Sending hugs your way! :)

Aramis said...

Oh honey. I just wish I could hug you. I've been there. I still AM there a lot of days. One IVF and done...crazy that this becomes our new thing to be jealous of, we're so far past being jealous of just getting pregnant naturally. I don't know what to say other than you just keep plugging along. That's what I'm doing too, and some days it's OK and other days it feels like the hardest thing in the world, and you never really know which day will be which. I'm here for you.

Mrs B. said...

Oh hun. I'm so sorry. I know this feeling all too well. As depressing as it is, pity parties do wonders for the soul. When my first IVF failed I remember being numb and just wanting to stay in bed and hide. I feel like you have made progress with this cycle, you had eggs and have embryos... It's all steps forward. I totally understand the jealousy of other infertiles who are lucky enough to fall pregnant on their first IVF, but my doctor said its (unfortunately) the minority. The first cycle is usually a bit of a crap shoot trying to work out responding and such. You learnt how you'd respond from your first cycle at the local clinic, and with CCRM you will find out more due to banking, and your next cycle SHOULD be the golden one!
With the money thing I am so sorry it really sucks and nothing I say will make it better. Hubby and I the other day thought how much easier our life would be if we could steal a baby (ha) instead of spending all our money on treatments. It's just not fair! Anyway I just want you to know am thinking about you x

Nina said...

You deserve your pity party! In fact, I will virtually host one in your honor. Coming off a cycle with less than desired results is hard. You have to grieve and process your disappointment while your body is still flooded with hormones. Be sad as long as you need to be. But, enjoy your wine and lazy night in now because you WILL be pregnant evetually.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you can't be "that girl" in so many ways. Thanks for giving us an update. I've been thinking of you every day. Snuggle up with hubby and have a good cry or three.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry, Jessah. Some days i do not think this journey will end either. Found out this week some more things... i have pcos. And my husband's sperm motility is a little low. Next cycle we start clomid & have the first IUI. (We have been TTC for 2.5 years but just starting treatment.) Anyway, i am so very sorry. Praying for you. xoxo

Nathalie Willmott said...

This breaks my heart :( so sorry you have to go through all this xx

Sarah said...

You have a right to throw a pity party right now. You've had it rough for awhile friend. But you did make forward progress and I know you will keep going. And keep fighting. Easier said than done, I know. But you've come too far to just have the chapter end like this. Is your road to baby a little more rocky than some others? Totally. Are there women out there who have been through a lot worse? Definitely. Everyone's struggle and journey is different. And it is SO hard not to be jealous of the women who seem to have it easy and make babies for free! haha This is the path God chose for us, for a reason. Even if the reason is unclear. I am one of those one time IVF'ers and to be extra annoying just a got a "Surprise unmedicated" pregnancy. haha. But Ill tell ya, I remember the days before my IVF and all the BFN's and surgeries and meds and procedures and tears and negative bank accounts...like it was yesterday. Those were some dark times. So I feel your pain right now. But hopefully you can see my story as one of hope that it will NOT stay dark forever :) xo

rebecca said...

So sorry, you're right infertility is so unbelievably unfair at times and you have every right to feel those emotions. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to in this moment and know that it is just that one moment in time.
I've definitely felt that bitterness about friends and family being ale to take vacations and have extra money for things that we can't because we've had to spend thousands of dollars to have a family and while its worth it to hav Ian in our lives it still makes me angry sometimes at how incredibly difficult it is for some of us.
Thank you for commenting on my blog tonight, I hope it gave you some encouragement to know you're not alone. Wishing you strength in the moments you need it most and hope ((hugs))

jAllen said...

Oh Jessah, I was thinking about the fact that your would have been due date was coming up soon (I thought it was the 26th for some reason) I know it's splitting hairs, but as you haven't done a transfer yet, you still have a chance to be a first time (completed) IVF success. I'm really hoping your dreams of dimples come true soon!

Amanda said...

Ughhh! I'm so sorry Jessah! I totally get why you would feel this way, but you're not at square one, not at all. You may still be weeks away from a transfer, but you're closer to your dreams than you've been before. It's forward progress.

"It's really sad when I'm even jealous of other infertiles who only had to go through IVF once."- this is so true. I will feel like the luckiest girl in the world if IVF works for us on the first try. And that's crazy, but it's just the way it is.

Thinking of you constantly my friend. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

Sadie said...

Oh Jessah, I know there are no words to make it better right now. I am sorry friend. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, or bring the bottle of wine to pass around at the pity party. You have every right to feel this way! It's not fair.
You are such a strong woman and such a source of support in this community. I'm holding huge hopes for you, that your baby will come and SOON. It's probably one of those adorable embies chilling right now.

Angela said...

Lots of hugs sister. Hoping you're finding peace after a good sleep.

Aubrey said...

Sweet Jessah... I could have written the same exact post 6 days after my first CCRM cycle. IF depression at its worst. I truly believe that you will make it through this. I KNOW you will feel better once your cycle starts and you can start up again. I'm crossing my fingers that it all begins soon. Have you had your re group? Will you be on a different protocol this time? Thinking of you!! XOXO

bellehavendrive said...

Infertility is so unfair. You go ahead and have your pity party, girl. You don't deserve to go through this. I'm so, so sorry ...

Andi of My Beautiful Adventures said...

Have you ever thought about getting acupuncture? I treat lots of women who are going through IVF at the same time and I see incredible results!!! Hang in there and I hope you have a somewhat relaxing weekend.

Sarah said...

I'm sorry you are in the trenches right now... I know what you're feeling though, and I pull the "fair card" on a daily basis. You're entitled to the pity parties... heck, I'd love to meet an infertile who HASN'T throw herself one!
Just know I'm thinking about you today and always.
xo

Katie said...

jessah I am so sorry. I remember being so jealous of people getting pregnant. then so jealous of people who did iui and it worked. and then of people who did ivf once or even twice and it worked. It is so frustrating that life isn't fair and seems so hard. I'm sorry you left this cycle without being able to try to get pregnant. I'll be thinking of you lots as you wait to try again. I hope you have lots of people around you who are loving on you and supporting you!

Erika said...

Ugh, Jessah, I am so sorry. :( I hate this. Enjoy your glass (or 10) of wine and I pray that some new perspective (and cash windfall, too) come your way soon. Thinking of you, girl.

Tara said...

I'm so sorry. We had so many nights, just like this one, as we waited. And we felt like we couldn't go anywhere in public. Like every pregnant woman had orchestrated a scheme against us to walk in our path and rub it in our face that another cycle has come and gone and no baby.. *hugs* (www.instagram.com/speechykeenslp)

Gypsy Mama said...

I'm so sorry Jessah. Trust me, you aren't the first one who has felt a twinge of jealousy that other infertiles had success on their first IVF attempt. I have felt the same way myself. (Or if not the first, at least the second attempt? but no such luck!)

I hope a good nights rest did you well and today is a better day.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jessah, als One of you followers (from germany, so please excuse my poor english) and being in the same infertile sadness let me assure you:There is a Baby Outsider waiting for you! Sometimes, it. is hard to believe but WE all will get pregnant, it is Not a question if, only a question when. I still believe and believe also for you!
With a big hug, Anne

JoJo said...

I'm sorry Jessah. Infertility is such a stressful, frustrating experience. Thinking of you.

ksirahsirah said...

Jess-
So very sorry you are feeling this way.. allow yourself to bury your heads in the covers right now. It's ok-you have been through so very much. I know their is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but know that I am thinking of you and rooting that your baby is out their waiting patiently like you are.
~Sarah

vanema220 said...

You are completely entitled to your pity party, bc honestly it really isn't fair what you've had to go through and are still going through. I can also put myself in your shoes and understand how you feel reading news on 1st IVF attempt working, bc honestly when will it be your turn. Now!! It should be NOW! I wish there was a magic fairy who came and dropped off IVF funds to us to make upcoming cycles less stressful. I am praying for hard for you that this next attempt is your absolute final and that you can begin your new journey of being a mommy. My mother is going to Italy in a week and I am going to ask her to have a mass said in your name at the church of miracles. I hope it brings you your miracle this time around!

Jennifer T said...

Jessah, I am so so sorry! My heart hurts for you.
It is maddening we have to spend so much to have a baby while others can get pregnant without spending a dime. I am struggling with this right now to0, as I look at spending more to do more testing for answers, and I'm just pissed when I see my sister's growing belly after she tried for 2 seconds. I often think how I should still be pregnant and bigger than her, but instead we have to keep fighting and spending more $$. I have so many angry feelings about the situation, and I don't understand why we have to fight so hard for something that is just handed to so many.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you get your baby with your next cycle. You are not alone! You are so strong! Hugs!

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Jessah, I'm so sorry. It sucks to have to go through IVF at all, let alone more than once. Give yourself a little time as you maybe have PMS or you may have some of the IVF drugs still in your system.

Lena Amstutz said...

I hate saying this to you..... but I love this post.

It is EXACTLY what I've been experiencing after my failed IVF. We are in the process of FET, which I know is far cheaper than what your going through. But yet, I find myself depressed and discouraged instead of excited and hopeful like I should be.

The discouragement usually kicks in when I check my bank account and see that we have virtually cleaned out our savings, and still don't have our baby.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I just want to let you know, that you are not alone in your fears and disappointment. Enjoy your wine- you very much deserve it! With love~ Lena

Caroline said...

Thinking about you and hope you got lots of rest and sleep last night!

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so sorry you feel like Groundhog Day. Crawling under the covers for a while is a totally appropriate response. It sucks to get so close and then still not achieve what you were dreaming of. Hang in there. I hope the next step will bring you one of those take-home babies.

Just T said...

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I know I have been in this place a few times and it is not somewhere any of us want to be. Take some time for you. I know that you are a fighter and will win this battle over infertility.

Darcie K said...

My heart breaks for you......but you're right, you WILL fight on. Hugs. Take some time. Take care of yourself.

LWLH said...

I have nothing to say that will make you feel better but hugs to you girl.

If I could I'd come whip infertility's ass for you and demand that they give you a baby now, dammit!

xoxo sweets.

Megan Brink said...

Praying for you always! I have to admit, reading this brought a LOT of old feelings back for me. After our first IVF I was so pissed that all I was left with was medical bills and bleeding lady parts for a good four weeks while others who seemed to be early 20's, free IVF cycles, and ended up being successful first timers were popping up pregnant. It also seemed like a majority were those who were so negative during this cycles, constantly complaining and didn't have to worry about DOR or anything of that nature. I was angry. While we didn't have to shell out two more rounds of 20k, you know we did the next round in which I thought there was no way in hell it would work and it did. We may have not had the best embryo quality and the rest died the day after transfer, but we did it. I honestly don't know how I emotionally made it through, I felt like my sanity a majority of the time was non-existent. I was angry, bitter, hopeless, and resentful (just being honest here). I really had to plunge deeper into my faith and that helped me stay a float.

Sorry for the novel, I guess I just want you to know that even though our situations are different, you are not alone in how you feel. I still sometimes feel like its a blow to the chest to hear about first time IVFers, and that's just me being honest. I think it hurts even more to see the ones who complain all the way through and act so negative/hateful be the ones to walk away with a pregnancy. I know there are so many women are the completely opposite who get pregnant the first time who are uplifting and grateful, but you get what I'm saying. It just sucks. If I can do anything for you, I'm here. Until then, indulge in wine, cry when you need to, and allow yourself to grieve and be angry. Know you are being lifted up in prayer daily and are loved by so many in this sisterhood of ours!

Anonymous said...

You are not alone. Thank you for sharing this. I try to be so happy for every IG TTC sister but it still hurts when it's not me. I'm not 20 trying IVF for the first time and getting pregnant. I'm 35. I tried it twice and no BFP. Waiting on Gods plan is so hard. I question everything. Why not me? Why can't it be easier for me? What's my next step? I feel like I'm standing at the middle of a busy intersection and I dont know where I go. All I know is to pray and have faith. I so hope you have a baby in your arms very soon! Sending you love and prayers.
IG: kphughes
Kyle Hughes

Ashley said...

Praying for you and hoping your weekend got better!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I'm there, too. Just not at CCRM yet, because the thought of a $30,000 failure burns just a bit more than an $8,000 one. I'm praying for you. <3

Amie said...

I'm keeping you in my prayers Jessah that this begins soon and everything goes exactly the way it needs to. Praying for strength for you during this time as well.

Emily said...

Your post made me think of this quote: "The will to succeed is important, but what's more important is the will to prepare."- Bobby Knight

The fact you had quite a few freeze is a great start. You are almost there! Praying for strength, endurance, and patience as you enter the final lap!

shay said...

Noooo! Hang in there! You are doing great!!! I mean, indulge in your feelings, wine, i mean chocolate makes everything better right? :)

I think we all wish we were the first try IVF'ers...

Suzanne said...

Jessah, I'm sending you the biggest hugs. I know how defeating this can all feel at times. Crossing my fingers that this next cycle finally brings some good news and makes all of this worth it! Lots and lots of love. xoxo

Logan said...

My heart hurts so badly for you. I don't have any words to say, except that I am praying hard for you, every day. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache, frustration, and hopelessness you must feel. Praying, praying, praying.

Whitney B. said...

Hugs Jessah. Have that pity party honey, nobody is judging.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been through IVF twice...no success stories to tell you...as of yet. I am leaning on God to get through this! Praying for you tonight!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're back in "limbo"... Really is the hardest place to be. I'm 36 & getting ready to start ivf #4. Hubs is a fireman too- so $$ isn't overflowing. This will probably be our last with OE. It's a terrifying place to be... In that place where what you want DESPERATELY is so out of your control. It feels like it HAS to be a bad dream, b/c this can't be real. I can tell you.. You UNDOUBTEDLY did the right thing by banking. 100%. Find peace in that. It's about regret management. You're going to be a mommy.. I just know it. ;))

Mrs. E said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve your pity party and then some. Hugs~~

Amber said...

Awww, girl, I am so sorry. It is more than okay to have a pity party. I'm fairly certain that most of us have at some point or another, and it's okay. Life really just isn't fair sometimes. I know exactly where you are at! I know the stress of digging yourself in a financial hole at the CHANCE of it working. Fortunately for us, it did work on our last and final attempt (at least so far) and I'm hoping it will for you too. Don't throw in the towel yet! When this next cycle is all done, you can walk away knowing you did everything if it doesn't work. Lord willing, that won't be the case though. I'm thinking about you Jessah, and sending up prayers.

Kristyn @ Carolina Fireflies said...

I'm so sorry Jessah! I wish there were words that I could type that would make it better! You need to get this emotion out, to allow yourself to be sad for a little while. It is OK! I'll continue to pray for you! Whenever I'm going through something difficult, something that I want to just give up on, something that beats me down to my core, I remember this verse: "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 xoxo

Janna Renee said...

It will all pay off in the end! The struggles make the good times so much better. Hard to imagine now, but time will tell!

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