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Sunday, September 29, 2013

not enough


I don't really have too much to say. Except that the egg retrieval went well. No complications. The nurses and doctor at CCRM were top notch and treated me with great care.

We were expecting seven eggs and that's exactly what we got. And believe me, I was am happy with that. I tried not to think too much about our impeding decision today.

A few of you asked when we had to make the decision about banking. Unfortunately, today. That decision had to be made two hours ago when our embryologist called to give us our fertilization report. The reason for that is that CCRM feels the embryos thaw best when frozen at day one instead of waiting until day 5. Of course, that means we had to make a tough decision without very much information. Like how many are going to grow to 5 day blasts for PGD screening (CCRM calls it CCS testing).

Of the seven eggs retrieved, six were mature and four fertilized. 

Back to the stats.
If we go forward with our four....
50% are likely to make it to day 5 blasts so we'd probably be going into testing with two.
With my age, 60% are likely to test normal....which probably means we'd have one healthy normal embie to transfer. Again, this is based on averages. I couldn't certainly do better than that (two) but I could also do worse. Nothing to transfer.

Having come this far, it would be so hard to find out two weeks from now when the test results come back that we have nothing normal to transfer. We'd be heartbroken.

So with heavy hearts today, we told the embryologist to freeze our four embabies. A and I have no idea where we will find the money to pay the additional $18,000 for another cycle. We will probably have to go into debt, beg, borrow and cut until we find the money. But I will go home and cycle again.

I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. This is so very difficult. 


47 comments:

Amber said...

I am so glad you got the 7 eggs you were expecting! That is at least good news. I know it is so very stressful, and I completely understand the worry of where to come up with the money. Hubby and I are in debt up to our ears right now, but we personally feel like it's been worth it since we have our two little ones on the way. I wish it could be otherwise. I wish you the best Jessah, and I am really really hopeful that this will all pay off for you in the long run. Please take care of yourself and try not to stress too much. Hugs!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you had to make such a tough decision. Infertility sucks.

Becca said...

Congrats on making it through the cycle. I KNOW how hard it is. I was just talking to my best friend about how we would not wish infertility on ANYONE. Awful. I am starting my 2nd frozen cycle now (1 fresh fail, 1 frozen fail). I have 4 frozen left. Are you getting your embryo stats from your dr? do you have a website where you get this information too? My dr gave me stats on genetically normal vs abnormal embryos but I would love to hear others opinions as well. I am 30, originally had 12 embryos, 8 made it, have 4 left. My dr said with my age and number of embies originally, 49% are statistically abnormal and this may be why I have failed so far. Just want to verify this somewhere! Good luck and praying for you and your next cycle. Congrats on your embies so far!

Becca said...

one more thing - you don't know me etc., but I follow your blog daily. I pray for you - I am at the point in my journey where I have totally "let go and let God". Faith is ALL I have right now as my doctors can find no reason for my ivf fails. SO, just want you to know I am praying for you from Virginia! (you don't have to post this comment, just wanted to get my message to you:)

Infertile625 said...

Oh Jessah I wish I could give you a big hug. You are such a tough lady. What a tough choice to have to make. I don't envy it. I have been sending you good vibes and glad that retrieval went well. I will pray that God show you where that money will come from and ease your heart along the way. Xoxo biggest hugs.

Meg Fleshman said...

Jessah you're in my thoughts and prayers. You're such a strong example and a great strength to many. I very much agree that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either. I have definitely learned so much more about pain through this experience than I ever thought I could. But for what its worth, you have come out of this as a great inspiration to those around you.
Much love!

Charity said...

Oh wow this is so much to digest. I can only imagine what it's like. Praying you my sweet friend. Stand firm in your faith!!

Ashley said...

I'm sorry this is so hard! Praying that this next cycle goes by quickly and that the Lord provides all the funds you need.

Jill said...

I'm so sorry.

Melissa said...

Ugh... so true - not wanting to wish this on anyone. And i'm not even to IVF! Praying for you... hoping this results in a baby for you.

HUGS!

waiting and wishing said...

I think you made the best decision. Though the money and stress of another cyle is both daunting and exhausting, I'm a firm believer that in this (deciding when enough is enough TTC) you have to do what you can feel comfortable with FOREVER. I hope you find a way to make it all work, and I'll be praying it is a success!

Amanda said...

Bless your heart Jessah. I hate this for you. Hate, hate hate that this is a part of your journey, but I'm really proud of you! Hold your head high my friend; 7 eggs is no small feat and that is a great fertilization report! Hang in there! Sending lots and lots of hugs your way!

Jennifer T said...

Glad the transfer went so well! One of those little embryos has gotta work! :)
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mrs B. said...

I am so sorry about this Jessah. It is heartbreaking. I had similar numbers to you on my first cycle. 8 retrieved, 4 fertilized and only one made it to day 5. It sucks so much! Why do we have to go through this? You are in good hands with CCRM.

Emily said...

I am just so sorry this journey has to be so long and tiring and uncertain. I think you are doing a phenomenal job at keeping it together and making so many decisions. I REALLY mean that.

jAllen said...

I'm hoping your baby (ies) are in that batch! We're applying for an credit card with 21 months interest free financing to fund our upcoming cycle. Congrats to you and A for getting through this part of the process! Be good to each other

teamhop said...

Hey Jessah! Found your blog through Erika a few months ago. Have really appreciated your honesty as you navigate this awful and painful season. Just wanted you to know that I'm praying and hoping for you guys as you continue on the roller-coaster ride.

LWLH said...

Always in my prayers and on my mind.
Just catching up on blog reading but I've been thinking about you girl!

Sending big hugs and good thoughts.

Beth @ E. Lizard Breath Speaks said...

i think of you often. each time i read your posts i pray for you & your husband hoping & pleading for you both to get the wish you want most.

not sure if you are religious or not but for me ... i pray to my GOD that you will find the wish you most hope for.

either way, no matter what ... know there is some one out there hoping for YOU. big big hugs. ( :

Aubrey said...

Oh sweet Jessah... I wish I didn't, but I know EXACTLY how you felt today having to make that decision. I remember our first CCRM fertilization call SO clearly and I remember exactly how heartbroken and angry and mad and sad that I was. I think THAT phone call, was somehow worse than all of my "you're not pregnant" calls in the past. I know that nothing anyone says can help you to feel better today, but please, please, please look at me... my second CCRM cycle was a little different - I was on a different protocol and ended up with more eggs, more embryos and now we have five normals. I want you to know, that based on my own experience, I think you made the right decision. You, for sure, will not look back and say what if at the end of all of this. I'm thinking of you!! xoxo

Laura Crosby said...

I'm happy it went as well as could be expected! Best of luck to you guys. Praying that you find peace and contentment with your decisions and with each other :)

Sarah said...

Infertility IS so difficult, thinking of you and sending lots of love!!!!

rhonda said...

I am praying you get 2!

Sarah said...

Oh friend :( Well I am glad the retrieval went well. I think seven is great with four fertilized!! That should give you a little hope with the next cycle to know you CAN end up with more than just one embie :) I know this decision had to be so tough and hopefully you can give your body and mind and heart a little break in between. Does CCRM think you might have possible genetic disorders? Is that why them want to test these? Or is that just their protocol with everyone? And I apologize if you had already explained this at some point and I missed it! Well I am sending you tons of love!! I too would not with IF one ANYONE!! You have come so far...

D. said...

Hi Jessah. This process, excuse my French, is such a mindf*ck. Just when you think you're taking 2 steps forward, it feels like you're taking 3 steps backward. And it is riddled with uncertainty, heartbreak and worry. You probably hear it all the time but take it one day, one thing at a time. Do everything possible to fill yourself back up because this process depletes you of everything you have. Sending you light and love.

Desiree.

Ps. Can I add a link to your blog on my blog?

ADSchill said...

I know it seems a little precarious and depressing but I have hope for you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

bellehavendrive said...

I'm so sorry you aren't doing a transfer this cycle. :( I think you made the right decision, but none of this is easy. You don't deserve to go through this, but you're putting up one heck of a fight for your family. Good for you, Jess. :)

Just T said...

My heart is hurting for you right now. I know it had to be a very difficult decision. I do think it was the right decision for you at this point. Sorry that this has been such a hard road for you. I have such high hopes that when it is all said and done you will have your beautiful baby.

Btw this is Toni. Changed my blog address.

Amie said...

Jessah, I have read all of your post about this and while it all really confuses me and I don't quite understand it all (if I am being honest) I am still keeping you in my daily prayers for things to work out for you guys. And I pray for peace and comfort for you in the process. I know you are going through such a difficult time.

Caroline said...

Oh Jessah - my thoughts and hugs are with you!!!

Mrs. Lost said...

(((((hugs)))))

Joanna Clarke said...

Praying you have at least one superstar embie to transfer!

Kaylyn said...

I found your blog through Instagram and I want you to know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. My husband and I have also been trying to conceive since 2008. It is a painful process, but I believe we will receive our miracles someday.

Suzanne said...

Well I'm thrilled for your 7 eggs retrieved! I know that the decision you made was not an easy one, but I believe that you're giving yourself the best chance.

Big hugs, and enjoy being back home!!!

Mrs. E said...

I am so, so sorry. I wish this were easier. I am thinking about you guys and sending lots of prayers your way.

Kristin J said...

I'm so sorry you have to wait. Praying for you both.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you!

Catherine Cassani said...

Fundraiser...fundraiser...just let me know where to send the check. Love you guys and sending good vibes your way.

Amy said...

I'm glad you are banking but am sorry this has been so hard. I for one, wish I could contribute in some way to this journey of becoming a mum and am sure there are others out there that feel the same way. You should set up an account that your readers can contribute to- every little but counts. Please consider this, we all want to help! Amy

Lena Amstutz said...

I know that making the decision to do banking must have been one of the hardest you've had to make. But, you are working with the best of the best in the infertility world and if they recommend it, then it must be for a good reason.

I know how hard it is to go into (further) debt for a "maybe" chance at parenthood. I just pray that when this is all over, you both get what you very much deserve; your baby. Praying for you!

Em said...

Oh, Jessah! I'm so sorry. I really do think that you've made the right decision though (is there a right one?). Sometimes it's all about regret management...especially when it's related to infertility it seems. I so wish that I had $18,000 to send your way. Or even $1,000!!! The financial aspect is unbelievably tough. I am praying right now for a miracle.

Whitney B. said...

I know that was such a hard decision for y'all. With all your blogging and connections through online friends maybe you could set up a fundraiser? Allow people to help give you your miracle baby!

Dream Chase said...

*hugs* Jessah! I'm really sorry. I'm glad you got the 4 that you did, but I honestly do understand. I don't now how you feel about fundraising, you can do through Scentsy, 31, and there's tons of others. I bet you get lots of donations, I for one would. Just lots of thoughts and prayers 'cause this journey absolutely sucks.

ksirahsirah said...

Thinking of you Jess- what an incredibly difficult decision. Praying for you.

Missy said...

J - I can only imagine how difficult this process has been on you. Hubby and I opted against Invitro - not because we were against it but because we just didn't have the financial means. I will most definitely keep you in my prayers every night. I pray that you get good news but also that you are able to find some sort of peace over the next two weeks. Infertility is hard but you have proven time and time again that you are a fighter. Whatever the outcome, I am positive that you will figure out your next move. I say this a lot = it took us 9 long years to have Jacob come into our lives but now that he's here I have no doubt in mind that I'd do it all over again. Sending 9you a great BIG hug!

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm glad you did get the 7 eggs they exepcted. It's interesting that they freeze on day 1, that really gives you much less time to decide. It must have been a tough choice, but very understandable. Hang in there. I hope the universe somehow gives you a way to do the next cycle soon.

Anonymous said...

My sister is a widow and currently starting this process alone. She has hardly any eggs so I am terrified for her. I wish I could just give her one of my ovaries.

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