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Friday, August 9, 2013

nothing or everything.


today is day one of my estrogen priming IVF cycle.
although i've been waiting anxiously for this day to arrive for a very long time, i don't feel ready. i want to say...just kidding. pull the plug. not go through with it. game over.

but i know i can't. 
i want to postpone the cycle because i'm so stressed right now. not sleeping. not getting enough exercise. not doing all of the things that i know are so very important for a successful outcome. but at the end of the day, this is my life. i don't think things will be any different next month in terms of how busy i am. and i can't keep losing valuable time.

eventually, i've got to let go of the ledge and just jump. some days it feels like i might as well take all of our savings and throw it in the trash bin. with all of this stress....IVF isn't going to work anyways.

or maybe i should get a graduate degree. or go on the vacation of a lifetime. invest in something. use my hard-earned money more wisely. anything besides taking a wild gamble that has the potential to break my heart. 

but i'm going to take a blind leap of faith. i'm letting go. i'm choosing to believe that if being a mother is in my future and IVF is my path...then i will get pregnant whether i'm stressed or not. what other choice do i have?

today, i picked up a few prescriptions on my way home from a client meeting. the clinic called - so i answered the phone while i was juggling pharmacy bags. when i got home, i was in a panic because i couldn't find one of the meds. i thought i dropped it in the store when the clinic called. 

i hopped in my car to head back to the store. my mind was so distracted that i backed straight into a huge shrub (narrowly missing the tree) and got stuck. {in my defense, i have an extremely steep, curved driveway that is not easy to navigate backwards} the side of my car is scraped up. hubby was in the garage and witnessed the whole thing. he proceeded to give me a stern scolding about paying attention and relaxing. not what i needed to hear....especially in such a harsh tone.

needless to say, after searching the parking lot and entire store, being told it is going to cost $180 to replace the drug and returning home empty-handed and defeated...hubby discovered it was in the bag the whole time. 

that is so my life lately. 

but, i'm moving forward anyways.
so here goes nothing. or everything. depends on how you look at it.


40 comments:

Emily said...

Ugh, isn't that how it always happens when you are the most stressed, things just don't seem to go right. It's ok girl. Take a nice deep breathe and use this weekend to just start over.

Forget about everything that hasn't gone right lately...the lack of sleep, no exercise, etc. Try to put this whole day and the days leading up to it out of your head and just wipe the slate clean and start over. This is the beginning....YOUR NEW BEGINNING to a fresh new cycle, where you are in the best hands possible and you are equipped with everything you need to reach your goal. It will be ok! Sending huge hugs your way right now!

LC said...

Praying hard this works for you! Have faith:)

Caravan Sonnet said...

thinking about you and praying for you girl in these next several days and weeks... no miraculous or wonderful words... just wanting you to know that I am thinking about you.
Hugs,
Rebecca:)

Aubrey said...

Woohoo!! It's started! Yay! I feel like my life is exactly like the story about your prescription these days. You're not alone, my friend!! Thinking of you always! xo

bellehavendrive said...

You're right: "What other choice to I have?" I remind myself of that all the time. I believe the Lord will reward your leap of faith! I'm glad you found your medication, bless your heart!

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie, it's a tough time no matter how you look at it. Hang in there, and I promise not to tell you to "just relax" :)

faithtrusticsidust said...

I know this might not help, but I was SO stressed my successful cycle. I did everything you're not supposed to do. Plus I ate badly, didnt exercise at all and just worried about every little thing, including having multiple panic attacks. And it worked! Don't count yourself out before you start! I really hope this is it for you, you deserve this! Sending lots of love, peace and hope for you for your cycle xx

ADSchill said...

Anyone who has attempted IVF and used their life savings to have a baby will tell you that its a huge gamble. Its scary and stressful and unfair. But at least half of those women come away with a child. Yes it might not work but if that happens you will feel comforted that you gave it your best shot. The other side of the coin is you do get pregnant! And it will all be worth it.

rhonda said...

oh sweetie I am praying for you and thinking positive thoughts.

Cristy said...

I know you're absolutely terrified going into this cycle. It's hard not to be after having a failed IVF cycle. But I completely believe that this can work for you, And it is my greatest hope that very soon there will be much reason to celebrate.

Thinking of you and hoping with all my heart.

Laura Crosby said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day! I sincerely hope things turn around for you soon, and that you can find time to enjoy the journey. Enjoy the hope and the possibilty. If nothing else, enjoy the fact that you are doing everything you possibly can to reach the goal of motherhood. That way there are no regrets because I truly believe it would be far more devistating to have never tried. I believe in you.

Gypsy Mama said...

Oh Jessah.... so sorry you are going through a tough time right now. I completely agree with you though, if IVF is going to work, being stressed is not going to make a difference. Think about all the people around the world who get pregnant when they are stressed or drink coffee or whatever.

You are such a strong person. I am sending you a huge hug :)

AM said...

How exciting, good luck!!!!! Maybe you should treat yourself to a massage too as it might be a great stress reliever.

Kate - Classy Living said...

Praying for you, lady! I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this whole journey has been for you, but my heart goes out to you and your husband. Please know that the bloggy world LOVES you and feels for you as you're going through all of this.

It's a new day, so embrace the ordinary and have a lovely weekend! xo

Charity said...

Aww I am praying for you my dear friend. Please lean on the Lord for Peace. You can have it during this cycle....you just have to take it.

Team Harries said...

what a day! Hope you get some good rest this weekend1

Unknown said...

If you never try..... You'll never know! Don't start the battle already defeated!!! Prayers and thoughts coming your way from a country far far away!!!

Maltachick

Unknown said...

Ps - pls listen to coldplay's song 'fix you ' xxxxxxxx

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E

Maltachick

Melissa Bettis said...

i am praying for you and know that God has this in HIS hands. the clinic you have is top notch, and you will be guided. trust the guidance and try not to stress.

Hope said...

I know what a big leap this is. Just a few weeks ago, I was poised on that same edge, and the memory of fear, hope, and surrender is still very fresh.

It sounds like you've had some big decisions to make about doctors and protocols. Now it's a matter of following the daily instructions and trying to take one day at a time.

By the time we get to IVF, we all have major stress (and some ways of coping that may be less than ideal but help to get us through). There's so much to coordinate, pay for, worry about... And still, one day at a time, it's doable. Still, it manages to work. You WILL get through it.

Wishing you the very best of luck!

Chantal said...

I can only imagine how stressed you must feel with undergoing all of this. I hope you can find the peace within and the strength to go through with it. Good luck!

Sarah said...

I am choosing to believe in the "everything" and not the "nothing." :) xo

shay said...

I love how its so easy for them to say "don't be stressed" when they have 1 easy job to do. i got a lecture this morning (probably in the same tone of voice) about how this is the time i'm not supposed to be stressed. mmm hmmm, ok buddy, keep talkin. LOL

hang in there, let go and let God. :)

The Giles Family said...

Sending you hugs and prayers!!

Janna Renee said...

Just think how much better of a story it will be to tell your grandkids..."We got knocked up like it was nothing" just doesn't have the same charm as "We struggled, we worked hard, we wrecked our cars trying to have your mom/dad". We all struggle, so remember that you have God and everyone holding you up. One way or another you will make it through this {{HUGS}}

Aramis said...

Oh, I totally know how you feel. It's this weird combination of hope and dread and fear and excitement. If it works, you win at life! If not, if feels like all your dreams are dying. It's so hard. I start my estrogen priming meds next Saturday, so I won't be far behind you. Keep your chin up and I'll be hoping for you.

Anonymous said...

Have you gotten the list of supplements from CCRM?
They put a 3mg Melatonin on my list, to be taken at bedtime and that really helped me to sleep better!
I noticed a huge difference in the quality of my sleep; I sleep deeper and I wake up more refreshed.

IVF is a huge "job" and requires a lot of energy. Don't be too hard on yourself about exercising and eating "just the right way". That will only stress you out more. Give yourself permission to just do nothing :) Dolce fa niente :)

Be good to yourself. Indulge in anything you like. Well, I hope you don't like whiskey ;) but other than that just pamper yourself with anything that feels good to you.

Don't worry about stress effecting your outcome. If it were true, no woman would get pregnant in a war or other harsh conditions...and yet they do and they have perfectly healthy babies. You will too.


Good luck!

Mary

Mrs B. said...

I'm so sorry... I know it's hard but try not to stress everything will be ok. Hope things get better x

Darcie K said...

Like usual, I can so relate. We are gearing up for our very last FET, and last medicated cycle ever. And, our lives are busy and stressful... but when will they NOT be?

I'm wishing you all the best with the cycle, Jessah. Take a deep breath, and have hope that it will all be worth it in the end. xoxo

Marianne said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I just read through your entire blog :-). You are so strong and I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming cycle!!

Mrs. Lost said...

Positive thoughts! I will be praying for you. And you are right, if we wait until we are stress free it will never happen.:)

Sarah said...

I feel like it's impossible to not feel stressed when a new cycle begins. You are entitled to feeling this way! Just know you are thought about daily and I'm pulling for you :) Lots of love!

Sarah said...

Love this Jessah and I know exactly how you feel. At the end you are either thrown into a whole new realm or right back where you've started. Everything or nothing is different. I've been on both ends and the anxiety is challenging. I never slept or ate or relaxed enough during any of my IVF's. I always had too much stress and too much going on. In the end, it's either going to work or it's not and for you, I'm hoping and praying and keeping everything crossed that it works. Thinking of you and sending so much positive energy your way! You totally got this. You can do it.

Katie G said...

Keep your head up. I think women to go through infertility are the strongest.

"too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated."

TracyZLesh @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

Thinking of you and sending all my love, prayers and energy!!

Whitney B. said...

UGH, I hate days like that!

JoJo said...

I'm so so sorry that your going through all this stress and restless nights. Like Em said, don't worry about everything that has happened just focus in the future. Sending you lots of positive vibes for this IVF cycle.

Angela said...

Lots of prayers your way. Lots.

Kelly Z said...

Thinking about you! Sending positive vibes your way.

Amber said...

Jessah, I so hope things are going okay for you so far in this cycle. I'm sorry everything is so stressful. Take a deep breath. We are all here to support you!

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