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Monday, May 20, 2013

never enough

I'm having one of those days where whatever I do...it feels like it's not enough. 
That nagging sense that I don't do enough or that I'm not enough.
It is so exhausting. 

I feel disconnected from God and my spiritual life. Who's fault is that?
Mine. I haven't been going to church lately and I haven't been praying religiously.

I feel like a bad friend. 
I've been flaking on social engagements because I haven't felt like myself. I've become my husband. LOL. And if you're one of my real life friends, you'll laugh at that. I don't want to be social which is so not like me. I want to hide out. Lay low. Bask in the quiet of a hike with my dog or losing myself in a book. I never get enough me time. Time where I don't have to think or be "on"... I can just be quiet. 

I can't keep up with blog reading, writing or commenting. I'm gaining weight because I haven't been exercising enough nor have I been eating healthy. But where is the time? I want to be fantastic at my job...so I live it and breathe it everyday. But I'm lacking the proper balance. But please someone tell me how to fit it all in. 

How do you work more than full-time, blog like a rockstar, keep up an exercise regimen, cook and eat clean, healthy and vegan (which is pretty much what it takes to keep my endo under wraps), pray, volunteer, attend church, feed your spiritual self via fertility yoga and meditation, juggle doctor and acupuncture appointments (and now travel schedules to Denver), keep up a house, maintain friendships, prioritize family and connect with your spouse?

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. My personal and professional to-do lists are never empty. I've accepted that but I never stop spinning my wheels like a hamster in a cage to check things off the list. I always wonder if I fail to get pregnant because God knows I have zero bandwidth for a child.

Sigh. The vegan chocolate cupcake I'm eating and organic, no sulfite red wine I'm drinking are helping to improve my somber mood. Yes, those are my misguided attempts at being healthy. But honestly, am I crazy? Am I the only one who suffers from the "no matter what I do, it's never enough" syndrome?

Now opening up to comments, suggestions, techniques, strategies, solutions, insights that y'all use to manage busy, crazy lives. Or is it just me...I know I'm a perfectionist, type-A person. It could just be me. 

28 comments:

jenn said...

Oh man, I have been there. In fact, I'm a bit there at the moment. This infertility lark can be totally overwhelming.

The thing I've found that has helped me most in this crazy journey is yoga and meditation. It can be hard to do it during the particularly tough times, but once I get into it, it never helps to ease my mind and my heart. But I see that you've mentioned that, and do it.

To be honest, I think something's gotta give, and you've just got to make the conscious decision as to what that is. It might be that you take a break from housework/volunteering/church/yoga/blogging/certain friendships/whatever is taking more energy than the results warrant. That's not an easy thing to do, but you have to look after yourself.

I do less than half of what you do, probably (I don't work, or volunteer at the moment), and I still find it hard to deal with some days. So you're definitely a champ already in my eyes. It is enough, you are enough. I hope you realise that soon.

x

Jennifer said...

Oh Jess, it's not just you. With only a handful of tweaks to this post, I easily could have written the same thing. I think for me, I have had to learn to let go of some things and only focus on what really matters. Does it matter if my house is spotless like I think everyone else's house must be? (No. Especially because it's not true - some people may keep a neater house, but I'm not one of them. Oh well. Moving on.) Do I really need to pour my time into staying connected via social media...? No, not really. It is fulfilling sometimes and I love being in touch with people I don't always see daily - but it gets to be a major distraction and sometimes I'm not LIVING because I'm too busy checking out what everyone else is doing/making/instagramming, etc. I make eating well a priority, but we have off weeks and I don't always stick to my meal plans. I beat myself up for not doing better when I know better (lame example from today: I haven't made time to make my own black beans in the crockpot to use instead of using canned which I know has BPA in them....sigh). I never spend "enough" time focusing on my son, my husband, myself, my dogs. I hear the way I talk to myself... I *SHOULD* do this, I *SHOULD* do that.... but I have been reminded before. Who says I should? No one really. Just me, myself, and I. :-( So, all I can say is do what makes you happy and fulfills you. Don't worry about what it looks like on paper or in the blogosphere or from other people's viewpoints... I'm sure this blog alone is a huge time commitment. I know it brings you a lot of comfort and has been a major outlet for you so I wouldn't say give it up, but don't let it consume you. That goes for everything in life! Hugs my friend!

JoJo said...

You are definitely not the only one who goes through "no matter what I do, it's never enough" syndrome. I have them all the time and complain to J that I am not good enough. It kinda sucks...what am i saying it does suck to be this way. I wish there was a manual for infertility. Maybe just maybe we can have our lives a little put together.

Aubrey said...

I wish I had some sort of strategy or solution to share... I don't, though... I'm just like you, friend... Hang in there!! xoxo

Catherine said...

You, my dear, are normal. I can relate to so many of the things you just listed. I immediately started praying for you. You are doing everything that you can, and it's enough. All of the little things will and do fall into place. It's ok to let loose once in awhile. It's understandable that you sometimes don't feel like yourself and you hibernate. I promise you friends will forgive and understand. I'm jealous of the cupcake and wine. Yum! I will continue to pray on your behalf, but for now I wanted to tell you that you're normal!

Suzanne said...

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to do and be perfect at everything. I say that and then I'm going to tell you that I am also a perfectionist, type-A personality.

You have SO much going on right now and it's okay to be disconnected a little. That "me time" is what's going to help keep you sane through all of this.

So sorry it was a rough day yesterday. Wish I could give you a big hug!!

Ashley said...

You are enough!!! You are just stuck in a rut!! I've felt that way before and in all honesty I feel bits and pieces of it now still!! It will get better!! One thing at a time!! Hang in there Hun!!

Always Maylee said...

Have you ever listened/watched this TED talk on happiness? I watched this about a year ago and have really tried hard to adopt the philosophies he speaks about in the last few minutes of this video. Take a look!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLJsdqxnZb0

Also.. we ALL have periods in our lives where we feel like nothing we do is ever right or enough. You are not alone!

xo, Yi-chia

Rhonda said...

I think we all have these moments. The only thing that helps me is to take the time when I need it, and be zen like (as much as I can be) in my doing of things. Be in the moment rather than planning ahead.

Sara said...

I think, in some form, it happens to a lot of women. We develop a desire for everything in our lives to be just so, and the reality is it can't be. I think Anne-Marie Slaughter summed is up in her article in The Atlantic summer with the idea that we can have it all, just not at the same time. And even that takes work to figure out what you can do and what you can be OK without. Take care of you, figure out what works for you and remember that there are a lot of people IRL that love you!

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely right! You can't do enough. That's where faith comes in. All you can do is the best that you can do (within reason). There is no way you can guarantee any particular outcome, but you can pray for guidance and wisdom about each of the individual decisions you have to make along the way.

Lesleigh said...

Hi Jessah,

I came across you blog a few weeks ago and have been loving your posts.
Reading this post is like hearing myself speak. I've also been dealing with infertility for the past 3 years, and there are days where putting a sock in the washing machine feels like the end of me (-:
But there are good days and bad. Embrace the good days, accept the bad days, have a cupcake and give yourself a break and DON'T feel guilty. Tomorrow may be a ok day and then the next a good day.
I know it's easier said than done, but trust me it's not just you.
The fact that you blog about your journey makes you a brave and amazing woman, the fact that you even find time to volunteer is more than most people do that have time on their hands.
Good luck with your treatment in Denver, thinking of you.
Love and light, Les

Amie said...

I have no answers but it sure is nice to know I am not alone....that and I can't seem to pass up a chance at eating any cheesecake I can get my hands on lol

Carly said...

I have been feeling a similar way. I have not had to desire to be social and I feel myself losing friends. It hurts feeling like they aren't standing by me just because I want to be alone and with my husband more. Fertility treatments are my main priority right now and those are mentally and psychically exhausting.

I don't know the secret but maybe someone else will!

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

Of course, it is not just you! I think most women struggle with this, especially those of the type-a variety. I think you have to choose each day what is going to be important, because it can't be everything! One day, one hour, one minute at a time...

Jodie said...

one of my favorite quotes: "light always follows darkness." i'm also hard on myself and a perfectionist. I always look at what I can't do instead of what I can...looking at what I can do doesn't minimize the "still can't" but it helps me refocus and put things in perspective. in my case, as you know, I almost died. I've also realized that life is for living and that only I can control my happiness. it's not someone else's responsibility, it's mine. so you have to make the choice to stay miserable or dust off your boots and walk tall. love yourself Jessica, you're an amazing person. savor your chocolate and wine and hug yourself, not beat yourself up :)

Adrienne @ BlackWhiteColor said...

Girl, totally know the feeling! I get so overwhlemed by all of the things I am trying to keep up with that I just shut down and do none of it except go to work haha. Maybe it's an endo hormonal thing for me?! Not sure. Maybe just try and take one thing at a time, incorporating the most important things back into your routine one at a time.

Amanda said...

I hear you Jessah… type A personality myself. I have no valuable solutions at all really. A long, long time ago, I started telling myself to see the bigger picture… not to diminish the value of any one of those things, but to recognize that if I fail to do X today, the world won't stop turning.

I think two thinks have helped me to chill recently… one infertility, while I'm C-R-A-Z-Y sometimes about infertility, in some ways it's also shown me that some things are simply out of my control… sometimes I'll fail regardless of the amount of work I put in.

The second thing is having a job that has zero stress. (I can see you face-palming right now) It's not something I ever thought I'd have, not something I sought after, but having a job that I do from 8-5, and then detach from until the next workday helps too. Obviously, not helpful for you.

Random thought, have you read "Choosing to Cheat" by Andy Stanley… it changed my life in regards to work vs family a long time ago. You might check it out!

alesha said...

I know how you feel. And I don't think it's bad to lay low for a bit, in fact, I think it's good to take a break every now and again to re-center yourself. I don't think you can ever do all of those things flawlessly, and if you're like me, if you're not giving 100% to everything all the time you feel like a failure. It's hard to cope with sometimes. I say just take care of yourself and then slowly start taking care of other priorities.

Anonymous said...

Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Infertility IS a full time job! You can't expect to take it on and continue with everything else. Something has to give. Feed your mind and body with the things they NEED. Your family and friends will understand if you have to take a "time out" while walking this journey. Hang in there and stop being so hard on yourself.

Ashley said...

I am also a perfectionist, type-A personality and I often catch myself feeling overwhelmed by life. I think the most important first step is to make your relationship with God your priority. Everything else will fall into place when that is right. Your strength comes from the Lord; we can't do anything on our own.

Leigh Ann Ordan said...

We will never be able to do it all. I think that was my biggest challenge to accept for myself. Finally I understand that I can't do it all and I need to prioritize what is right for me. That list can change at anytime I need it to depending on what is going on in your life. I recently have given my life into God's hands. I truly believe he knows why we go through what we go through and what happens to us. I know it is hard to grasp but when you feel like you have no hope HE has hope for you. Just let him do it. Just do what YOU need to do. I just experienced what you are going through and I did what I wanted and when I was ready I got back out there. Just don't let people push you. This is your life and your time =) No one will understand but you.

Anna Nordling said...

I think sometimes you have to stop trying to get everything done and let go of those things that burden you but aren't meaningful. I find myself having to prioritize what's important and dropping the things that are at the bottom of the list to relieve some stress.

By the way, thank you for having this blog and sharing your infertility struggles. My husband and I just hit our year mark in trying to get pregnant, and I recently found your blog. It's a comfort to know you are not alone when you're going through something so emotionally exhausting.

Anna
Small Dog the Blog

Em said...

To answer your "how do you..." question - you don't. It's simply impossible. You have to pick and choose, narrow it down to three big priorities and just do what you can with the other things. Even that sounds difficult, I know. In fact, it's probably even more difficult.

And also, I have angry tears in my eyes about the "God knows I have zero bandwidth for a child" thing. I'm not angry with you for thinking it (of course). I'm just so pissed that infertility makes us think things like this! Can't it just wreck our bodies and leave our minds alone?!?!

Emily said...

I say let yourself take a time out if you need to. Just because you are not your social self and want to cancel social dates, it's OK to do that! So many times I find myself thinking, "I should really hang out with xyz" or "I better do this so I'm not a bad friend." But you know what? Sometimes you've just gotta let yourself be selfish. Don't force yourself to go do something socially because you should. If you are having a dry spell where you just don't wanna go, then just don't go. No one will hold it against you. Sit home and eat your vegan chocolate cupcake, drink some organic wine, and take a bubble bath. Listen to your mind as much as you do your body. If it tells you that you need for time for YOU, listen to it and make it happen, even if it's just 30 minutes each night in the evening. Turn off the world and do something for YOU.

Mrs B. said...

I feel like this a lot of the time too. I seem to be picking and choosing who I want to see and what I want to do. It's impossible!

Alicia said...

It's not just you - life is very overwhelming. You're doing great!

Amber said...

Oh man. We all feel like this sometimes. You are not alone Jessah. I think you are one heck of a woman, and always come across so positive and with such a good attitude. Even here, when you are feeling overwhelmed, your light shines through. I don't have the answers, but I do have a lot of virtual bugs to offer. Hope you are feeling a bit better by now, as I'm so far behind in readin this!

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