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Friday, May 31, 2013

another one passed right by


In the past, birthdays have always been a huge deal to me. 
I usually celebrate big. 

This year, not so much.
In fact, my birthday went by with very little fan fare which was fine by me.

My 36th birthday was almost week ago. It was last Saturday. Memorial Day weekend. Great for partying it up which is usually right up my alley. This is how I usually roll on my birthdays...

Last year for my 35th b-day, I celebrated with my girlfriends at happy hour and with my hubby and his family in Mammoth.

My "annual" 29th birthday party AKA 34th b-day

At the club for my 30th with my besties

house party for my 28th birthday
You get the idea. Surrounded by friends. Smiles. Laughs. Drinks.
And my personal fave...a little dancing.

But this year I was happy to just let it slip by. Forget it was even happening. My in-laws came into town from San Diego and we had a very low key dinner. Nothing fancy. No cake. No candles. No alcohol. This was a first for me...on all counts. 

I can't tell you why. Except that I didn't really feel like I had much to celebrate. I'm another year older. Another year without a baby. We are another year as an infertile couple. Facing another year of IVF expenses and TTC. And another year closer to end of this journey.

Today is my sweet husband's birthday. Our birthdays are six days apart. He turned 37. I spoke with him a few times today since he's at work. Each time I wished him a happy birthday, he said he'd forgotten it was his birthday. I wonder if he feels the same way I felt. 

Today is cycle day one. Last night about 11pm, I welcomed AF and my frequent, unwanted visitor... endometriosis pain. It sucks but I've accepted it. The pain comes and goes. When it is gone, I always know it will return. I can count on that.

Something has changed though. And I kinda feel like it is a big something. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. It is what it is.

I'm just tired and I'm resolved. 

It hit me today. My hope for natural conception has officially died. This is the first month in 54 long months that I didn't force the baby dance just because I was ovulating. Just in case. Nope. I didn't even care. I knew I wouldn't get pregnant this month. I knew we wouldn't save $30,000 if we just tried...even if we weren't in the mood. It's done. We are going to Denver. I've accepted that fact. 

I no longer take my temperature or chart my cycles or take OPK's. I'm an infertility veteran. I know exactly when I'm ovulating. I no longer think this might be our month. I no longer take pregnancy tests when my boobs get sore or my period is late. I finally know better. I don't believe I'll ever get pregnant on my own. 

Maybe never get pregnant, period. But never on our own. In case you were wondering how long it takes for someone to finally accept the inevitable, for me...it took 54 months. 


28 comments:

Endo_Life said...

Happy Birthday to you and your husband. My birthday was Monday and my hubby is two days after me. We tend not to celebrate anymore as it has always been a reminder of being a year older.

I am so so sorry about how much IVF is costing you in money and emotions. I wait patiently for updates on when your cycle will be starting and how you progress and I pray you get the positive outcome. It really make me so sad to hear of so many of us endo sufferers going through so much pain and anguish.

Sadie said...

Sending you so many hugs Jessah. I think I am in a very similar place, and to be honest, my feeling is of just wanting it to be OVER, whatever the future holds. (When my 38th birthday came and went this past March, I just wanted to hide). I'm still hoping the Denver clinic will be it for you, but I hope that like me, you may be able to find a kind of liberation in this knowledge. Not the loss of hope so much as the realization that you've done everything you could, and embrace the ability to forgive and love yourself anyway. Thinking of you.

Aubrey said...

:(. First, happy belated birthday. Second, I'm sending you a big hug. I hate infertility. I hate it so much. I hope with this day 1, it means that things are moving along with CCRM. xoxo

JenS said...

Happy belated birthday.
I think it is a positive step to accept it won't happen naturally. you are taking off that pressure every month. I never got there. Even after 2 failed IVF's we still tried every month "just in case". I would have been better off emotionally if I just accepted it wasn't going to happen and actually focused on something else while prepping for IVF #3.
I am also hoping this is the last thing you have to "accept". I am really hoping CCRM is the key for you.

Aramis said...

So much of this feels like you crawled inside my brain. I did my best to barely notice turning 37 this year. And yeah, we don't even bother to try naturally anymore (at least, not time it and focus on fertile days and all that jazz). My period was four days late last month and I didn't bat an eye. It always shows up. Eventually.

jAllen said...

Happy Birthday! I just marked my 37th with a low key celebration and I could really relate to this post. Hope you and your husband have a good weekend!

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Happy belated birthday! I definitely find that as we get older, the birthdays are no long the party all night, dance all night variety. :-)

I'm not sure when you are starting up with Denver, but enjoy sex while you are not checking your temps and not only doing it around ovulation. That's impressive that you made it 54 months- I gave up on timed intercourse pretty soon after our IUIs and temping went out the window long before that (I would just check for EWCM).

Leslie said...

Hey there! I hope your having a great weekend!

Cristy said...

I can feel the shift your talking about in this post. Laced with sadness but also with acceptance. It's never an easy thing to get to this point, but with it comes a sense of peace too. And it makes celebrating milestones like birthdays very difficult.

I'm not going to bombard you with the "don't lose hope!" mentality as I know first hand how it tends to have the opposite effect the person passing it on intends. But what I will do is let you know that I still have hope for you. Yes, the future is uncertain and who knows what will happen in Denver, but I also believe that one day soon you will have much to celebrate. And if this journey has taught me nothing else, the one thing I've learned is that so much can change in 6 months to a year. Thinking of you today and sending lots of love.

JoJo said...

Those feelings sound familiar. I feel like people make a big deal over my birthday and I am like eh! Today is J's bday and I can't bring myself to feel excited. Infertility is all tht runs through my head. I hope those pesky pains don't ruin your weekend. Praying for u that u finally get ur miracle baby and look fwd to celebrating someone else's bday.

Erika said...

I hate to see hope dying, but I completely understand. I hope that even though your birthday wasn't particularly celebratory or happy, you are able to find other reasons to celebrate and hope this year. And BOO to the endo pain. Hate that for you. :(

Ashley said...

Hugs to you! :( And happy belated birthday. Praying this is a very happy year for you guys.

Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk said...

im sorry the stress of all the ttc and infertility interfered with the birthdays :( this post weighs heavy on my heart, and i am so sorry my dear.
i hope the year brings big big things for you and so much happiness <3

Sarah said...

Jessah, first, happy birthday! I turn 36 in a couple months and I understand. I felt this on my 35th birthday and I completely am dreading my 36th (unless by some miracle of GOD we are expecting.) I haven't believed that I can get pregnant for a while now and I know the numb feeling well. I'm not devastated by AF (unless it's post IVF AF) anymore. I am not happy but not sad. I'm just numb. It is what it is. I feel incredibly lonely these days but reading your blog always makes me feel like I'm not alone although I really truly wish you weren't standing with me after 54 months.

Sarah said...

Hugs...and Happy Belated Birthday friend! And hey...YOU are worth celebrating! But I know that feeling.

The Giles Family said...

Reading this post broke my heart and we've never met yet I hold you in prayer daily. I know words and even prayers won't mend or heal your aching heart but I hope that during such a painful time you find comfort and peace. Happy birthday to you and your hubby and hope you have a nice weekend :)

Mrs B. said...

Even though it's a low key one, happy birthday to you both. It's these milestones that are the hardest. I was wondering the other day how long to get over the 'falling pregnant naturally' hope. I'm so sorry you have gone through all this. I have a good feeling about your upcoming cycle at CCRM though!

Rhonda said...

Oh Jessah I just wish I could give you a big hug. I truly hope that IVF works for you. I wish it with all of my heart.

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry your birthday was so much harder this year. I certainly get it. I planned vacay around my birthday next month just so I can be away from any fanfare. Regardless, I'm wishing you a very happy belated birthday. I'm excited for you to get things moving at CCRM!!

Laura Rahel said...

Happy Birthday love

Whitney B. said...

I am sending you a huge birthday hug.

Kristin said...

I totally understand your feelings on all accounts. Just know you aren't alone! We are all here for you! And, Happy Birthday!

Chevis Harris said...

I'm 23 and have been TTC since 2008. I only recently gave up hope when another semen analysis came back weak.

I wrote this post for us TTCers doing it naturally is overrated ;-)
http://ournestingproject.blogspot.com/?zx=5ade1331b75cf446

shay said...

happy birthday sweet girl... wishing you miracles this year!

Leigh Ann Ordan said...

Happy Birthday! I know this has been a tough and painful journey you are on. I can feel it in your writing. I'm so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this. I wish you many hugs and positive thoughts going forward. :)

Alicia said...

Happy belated birthday Jessah. I totally understand where you're coming from - I remember the last "natural" cycle before hormone therapy. It was hard. Hang in there. It is what it is and you are doing amazing with all that landed on your lap. It's a big load for anyone.

Em said...

Oh Jessah! What a beautifully written but still so heartbreaking post. I am so, so sorry.

Amber said...

We don't much celebrate our birthdays anymore either. Hubby turned 40 this year. No fan fare. He really doesn't like the fact that he's 40. In fact, I think it really bothers him, although he doesn't really talk about it. I don't know if you will ever get to be a Momma, but I pray that you will.

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