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Friday, April 19, 2013

coming to terms


I'm not sure why... pessimism, realism, maybe intuition. But I've been coming to terms with not ever being a mother. I really need to determine some vernacular that I'm comfortable with. "Childless" denotes a sense that you are not enough because you don't have children...and I refuse to accept that statement. "Child-free" sounds like you're living fancy free without kids which isn't true either. How will I refer to our plight in life?

Yes, we still have one more shot at IVF. Perhaps, if we're lucky, we'll have embryos to freeze and will have a couple FETs if our IVF fails. But honestly, if I got the beta results and they were positive...I'd be shocked. Truly floored. It's tough because I don't want to be negative. But in my heart of hearts, I just don't think IVF is going to work for us. With our first IVF attempt, I convinced myself that it was going to work. I was so positive and did everything I possibly could to make it a success (eat healthy, meditate, acupuncture) and my body didn't respond to the drugs.

Our minds are supposed to be so powerful...blah, blah, blah. But my faith, hope and positive mindset didn't have any impact on the outcome last time. So now, I'm just being honest. I don't think this whole conceiving a child thing is going to happen for us. 

We are so very close to the end of the road. Being done trying. I don't want to say "giving up" because I'm not a quitter. But at some point, you have to accept what is and quit fighting against your fate. For some women, they are willing to endure IVF after IVF...probably feeling like they are one more treatment away from having a baby. This could be true or not. One never knows. When enough is enough is different for everyone. But A and I agreed to one cycle of IVF and then we walk away from medical treatments. 

So the resolution is coming soon...one way or the other. My phone consult with Dr. S at CCRM is less than two weeks away. After that call, we will start IVF attempt #2. Speaking of IVF, my heart has been so heavy lately thinking about two of my blog friends Emily and Gypsy Mama who just received negative results from their first and second (respectively) IVFs. It just makes me feel so helpless because I know how deep their disappointment and sadness must be.  It just sucks. 

And despite all of the positive endings that many infertiles experience, I'm acutely aware that it doesn't end up that way for all of us. So whether it is premature or not, I'm coming to terms. I know that A and I will make the most out of our lives together (with or without a child) - love each other fiercely, travel often, and embrace the children in our lives. It won't be easy and there will be times that it will hurt like hell...but we will be happy. In the end, I only want one thing more than a baby....to be happy. And unlike my fertility, I can control my happiness.

31 comments:

kharini said...

I hear you. I have felt that way, many times. I too have been very hopeful, meditating, doing acupuncture, gluten free, dairy free, low impact workouts, positive affirmations and still didn't work for us. Unfortunately, I am too in the same boat regarding mind over matter. There are many things beyond our control, that no matter how much we sincerely try, they won't happen.

I truly hope having a baby is not one of those things for us. I hope that the same way our positive attitude didn't affect a thing, our negative feelings won't affect a thing either.

However, I am hopeful for you. You have a good shot going to CC.RM. They are sometimes able to do what other places can't so I'm still hopeful. Chin up my friend, we'll manage to live a happy life no matter what. xo

Gypsy Mama said...

I truly hope you are one of the ones who has a happy ending :)

Cristy said...

The decision to stop fertility treatments is both a hard one and a freeing one. Too often, people assume that the decision is made because you're quitting or because you didn't want it badly enough (and more often than not, the harshest judges are those who never had to endure this process). The truth is that you're not quitting. What you're doing instead is making a decision for what's best for you and your family.

Loribeth had a wonderful post about the difference between giving up and letting up. Jessah, I think you're preparing yourself to let go. And though there is sadness that comes with this, I also think there's so much strength.

That all said, I'm hoping for you with this next cycle. I hope with my whole heart that you receive the surprise of your life. Sending love.

alesha said...

You are such a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can't say I know how you feel, but know that I am praying for you. You deserve to be happy, with or without a child you deserve this. I don't think it's "giving up" or anything to walk away from medical treatments after this cycle. I don't know how to say what I mean, but I find it so inspiring that you and your husband have agreed on this. I do know how hard it is after you have been so positive about something to feel the disappointment afterward, and I don't know if that's good for your body and mind. I really wish I knew what I was trying to say! But do know I want to give you a hug right now :)

Aubrey said...

I'm so envious of your strength in all of this. I hope that mind over matter wins this time for you! xo

Aramis said...

First, you never know what's going to happen when you finally make it through a full cycle of IVF. But even if it fails (and I know full well how much that sucks), knowing that your life goes on and can be full of lots of other wonderful things is the best attitude you can have. But I'm still crossing my fingers for you!

Team Harries said...

Praying for round 2!!! Hoping for great results

jAllen said...

I think this way too,that I should go through infertility treatments preparing that they will not work, and possibly be surprised if they work.

Caravan Sonnet said...

You are so amazing and inspiring!!!

Impatiently Waiting said...

I have been here recently. I totally understand where you are coming from. Thanks for sharing this.

Arlene said...

I think you have a very good attitude. Hope is good, but letting go when necessary is the other side of the coin.

I think you need an extra hug.

HUGS, Arlene

Inggih Laras Ati said...

this post touches my heart somuch
All I know is please do all the things with smile and don't do that if you don't enjoy it. You have a great man there, and he is happy with you :)

Xoxo,Ila

Melanie Schultz said...

This post makes me sad. I am so sorry you are struggling with infertility. It makes me mad that certain people who shouldnt have kids do and others who want them cant :( Stay strong. Sending hugs!

Sarah said...

I can completely relate to everything you've shared in your post. My husband and I had to go through the grieving process before we were able to move on. Once we had grieved the loss of the biological children that would never be we were able to make a decision. Adoption was the answer for us. I pray that you are able to find peace and happiness despite the outcome of your next IVF treatment.

TracyZLesh @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

I will be sending all of the good and positive energy I can towards you and thinking of you often. I love your last two sentences - about happiness and your ability to control that... and I know that no matter what happens with this, you will come out of it choosing happiness and focusing on the parts of your life that are wonderful.

Rhonda said...

I hope that when enough is enough for us that I will know, and be as strong as you are being about it. I still am wishing you all the positive baby vibes in the world.

Sarah said...

I'n glad you are giving it another go :) But I do understand the thoughts of coming to term with a different ending. This stuff is HARD. Hard on the heart and the mind. But I will pray my butt off that this IVF works :)

Megan Brink said...

Thinking of you always, Jessah. The feeling is so devastating to think about never having a home full of finger prints on windows and toys on the floor complete with baby giggles. It's hard. I think it's so difficult to go through this journey only to go through more failure. You are so strong, and such a beautiful person. I'm constantly praying that your ending is one full of happiness, baby giggles, and a big messy house full of toys. xo

Becky said...

I'm in a very similar place right now...just kind of contemplating what the "end" looks like for us. I know we're coming up on it and I know that either way, we're going to be ok. We already have a beautiful and happy life without children, I know this can and will continue if that's what's in store for us. Praying for IVF #2 for you!

Sadie said...

You lead such a full and loving life that I'd like to think that you'll get a positive ending no matter what that looks like, with our whiout children. I can relate to so much of what you've written here, and I think my husband and I are aproaching a similar place. Thank you so much for this, I needed to read it. Wishing many good things for you Jessah, whatever form they take.

Alicia said...

Hugs friend. Big big big hugs.

Laura Rahel said...

You always speak to my heart. Maybe it's because I feel I can relate but those last few sentances, love them. It is going to be hard but I'm so glad you're choosing to be happy reguardless of what happens. You're such a beautiful person, you deserve a fulfilling life.

Amber said...

Amazing post. I could have written these sentiments myself. We have just begun our last FET cycle. If it doesn't work, we will not be having any children. I like how you couldn't find an appropriate term for that. When you do, let me know because I'm right there with ya! I hope and pray that we are both successful as we move forward, but the truth is that we just don't know what God has in store for us. We must choose to be happy regardless of the outcome!! There is sti so much to be thankful for, so much to live for! Let's not miss out on what's right in front of us by chasing a dream that just may not be meant to happen! God bless and best of luck to you Jessah!

Mindy Swenson Kinnier said...

I will be praying that the IVF works and that you will be blessed with a baby soon. I just found your blog recently, and as a fellow infertile, I appreciate your honesty as you navigate through this difficult process. My husband and I decided to take a break from fertility treatment and are in the middle of an adoption, but we may come back to IVF in the near future, so I will be following your journey and praying for you along the way.

Kristin said...

I understand where you are coming from completely. I have felt those exact same feelings. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me. I would also be happy to share our adoption journey with you!

Darcy Kristy said...

Jessah,
Once again our thoughts and posts parallel one another. I couldn't have written these feelings any better. Xoxoxo

Whitney B. said...

I wish so badly that things would work out for you two. It breaks my heart, though we have never met, it just breaks my heart. I hope with everything that your cycle #2 will work for y'all. Sending hugs, prayers, and happy thoughts (b/c sometimes others have to think happily for us when we just don't have the strength to do it for ourselves).

Em said...

Wow. You have such courage. I hope happiness for you, however that looks.

Suzanne said...

Great post. I was heartbroken as well for Gypsy Mama and Emily. I'm so tired of seeing wonderfully, strong women going through the struggles of infertility month after month. So not fair. I hope that our time is coming. All of our time.

Samantha N said...

Infertility is such a hard challenge.

I am going to be embarking on IVF before the year is out, I had surgery for endo and waiting to see if it works naturally and be in the right place for IVF treatments. Its been 4 years almost that we have been TTC and I know how devastating it can be and I've felt like I've give up and grieving my fertility.

I hope all our journeys bring good things :-)

gayle t. said...

I can't relate specifically to what you're struggling with (TTC (and thank you for the infertility decoder, that was very helpful)). I hope that you reach a point of being at peace. I can't really even imagine what it must be like. The only thing I can think of for myself to put it into perspective for me is getting married -- it feels like it will never happen -- but even that is different, so I will just stop trying to understand how you feel, and just pray for you.

xoxo,
Gayle | Grace for Gayle

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