I'm not sure why... pessimism, realism, maybe intuition. But I've been coming to terms with not ever being a mother. I really need to determine some vernacular that I'm comfortable with. "Childless" denotes a sense that you are not enough because you don't have children...and I refuse to accept that statement. "Child-free" sounds like you're living fancy free without kids which isn't true either. How will I refer to our plight in life?
Yes, we still have one more shot at IVF. Perhaps, if we're lucky, we'll have embryos to freeze and will have a couple FETs if our IVF fails. But honestly, if I got the beta results and they were positive...I'd be shocked. Truly floored. It's tough because I don't want to be negative. But in my heart of hearts, I just don't think IVF is going to work for us. With our first IVF attempt, I convinced myself that it was going to work. I was so positive and did everything I possibly could to make it a success (eat healthy, meditate, acupuncture) and my body didn't respond to the drugs.
Our minds are supposed to be so powerful...blah, blah, blah. But my faith, hope and positive mindset didn't have any impact on the outcome last time. So now, I'm just being honest. I don't think this whole conceiving a child thing is going to happen for us.
We are so very close to the end of the road. Being done trying. I don't want to say "giving up" because I'm not a quitter. But at some point, you have to accept what is and quit fighting against your fate. For some women, they are willing to endure IVF after IVF...probably feeling like they are one more treatment away from having a baby. This could be true or not. One never knows. When enough is enough is different for everyone. But A and I agreed to one cycle of IVF and then we walk away from medical treatments.
So the resolution is coming soon...one way or the other. My phone consult with Dr. S at CCRM is less than two weeks away. After that call, we will start IVF attempt #2. Speaking of IVF, my heart has been so heavy lately thinking about two of my blog friends Emily and Gypsy Mama who just received negative results from their first and second (respectively) IVFs. It just makes me feel so helpless because I know how deep their disappointment and sadness must be. It just sucks.
And despite all of the positive endings that many infertiles experience, I'm acutely aware that it doesn't end up that way for all of us. So whether it is premature or not, I'm coming to terms. I know that A and I will make the most out of our lives together (with or without a child) - love each other fiercely, travel often, and embrace the children in our lives. It won't be easy and there will be times that it will hurt like hell...but we will be happy. In the end, I only want one thing more than a baby....to be happy. And unlike my fertility, I can control my happiness.