Over the last few weeks, I've been struggling with so many thoughts and emotions. I've been struck continually by the thought that "this is my life"...for better or worse. And it may not ever include children. And if it doesn't, then what?
In the moments of sadness and loneliness, I feel guilty for having those feelings. Because I'm so blessed. I have a wonderful life. But sometimes it doesn't feel full enough. It is too quiet. Silent, almost. And in those moments, I tell Him..."I'm listening. If it's not your will for me to be a mother, then what am I called to do? What am I here for? What is my purpose?"
As much as I love my job (and believe me, I do), that can't be it. My whole purpose of being. It can't just be to get up every day and go to work. And come home, work some more and go to bed. Then do it all over again the next day. There has to be something bigger than that.
And if I can't have children, I need to figure out what I need to do to fill my life and live with purpose. Unfortunately, I don't have all of the answers yet. But my heart is telling me that I must find a way to serve others. Whether it is...to go on a mission trip. Start a non-profit. Mentor a child. I don't know what it will be. But something.
Infertility has definitely changed me and it continues to change me. It sounds weird to say but I'm grateful for this experience because I'm a better person than I was four years ago. I've always thought the struggle would make me a better mom. And it would...if I get that opportunity. But if I don't, it has still made me a better person. It doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.
But I somehow know that I was supposed to go down this path.
I don't know where the road will take me and surely there is more pain to come in my life. But my goal is to remind myself daily that joy is a choice and we must rejoice even when life makes it difficult to be happy.