nav

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

on your mark, get set, go

{warning: this is more of a stream of conscienceness than a well crafted post)

life is just one big competition, isn't it.
striving to get into the best schools. studying to ace the big test. working hard to get ahead in the workplace. securing the optimal husband. you date and date holding out until you think you've got the best "catch".

sports. 
doesn't matter what you played or competed in. people always strive to be the best. to win. first place.

beauty. 
we always want to look our best. some of my friends are getting botox in their 20's. preventative, they say. needles in the face to prevent wrinkles, stay beautiful and look young longer.

money.  
gotta have as much as you can.

house. 
gotta have the biggest one you can afford. 

and the list goes on and on. it is simply exhausting if you stop and think about it.

we are rarely satisfied with what we have. if we are single, we want to meet someone. if we are married, we long for the days of freedom. if we have children, we want a break from them. and it doesn't stop there. no, our kids have to be the best dressed, the smartest, the cutest, and the funniest. what pressure we put on ourselves.

we want everything. to have it all. even when what we want is in conflict...making it impossible to ever have it all. how then do we have find contentment?

my girlfriend recently said "remember in high school when we spent all summer floating in the pool, eating girl scout cookies...not a care in the world. we didn't even get fat from all of those cookies." she's right. we didn't get fat but we felt fat. we were youthful...but didn't feel beautiful. we didn't have many responsibilities but it felt like the weight of the world was on our shoulders...to fit in. for boys to like us. to get into college.

i long for just a week to clear my mind of all of my responsibilities and the pressure that i put on myself (notice that i said...put on myself) let alone a whole summer like i had back then. but i didn't know how good i had it and savor every moment. that is the point of all this...i think. if only we could train ourselves to really "live in the moment" rather than wishing we were in some other place - past or present. or in some other circumstance.

it doesn't really matter what stage of life we are in. as long as we still have some life left to live. i look back to my college years and remember thinking that my "life" would really begin once i graduate. then all of my friends were getting married...i felt like the last single woman on earth. that i would never have that big, beautiful, pouffy, white dress and be the blushing bride. 

interesting. i didn't dream about staying home in flannel pjs, watching movies on a friday night. compromising on everything from the tv channel to what to have for dinner (which is a more accurate picture of marriage...but that is whole other blog post altogether). 

and now i'm doing it with children. 
i see the baby pictures posted on facebook. the smiles and precious faces. and i want one. but i can't. i'm not going to say that i think a baby will make me happier because i know better than that. but if i'm being honest, at least a small part of my pain does comes from not achieving the goal. feeling like i don't measure up. that i'm being left behind.

they say, admitting something is the first step to overcoming it. so there, i said it. my arms are empty. my spare room is not a beautiful nursery. i have no baby to buy cute clothes for. no weekly baby bump updates or dimpled pictures to post on facebook. no baby's firsts to report.

but you know what...that is okay. i'm enough. baby or no. and i won't allow myself to be robbed of the second half of my 30's by infertility...wishing i was in some other circumstance (motherhood). 
i just won't.


20 comments:

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

I completely agree. I think it's human nature to want more, or different or what we don't have. To long for another, simpler time. But, there is greatness and pain in every time. We just have to know what to focus on. Love your resolve!

Anonymous said...

Hi honey, I loved this post. I want to tell you a story. We have been TTC for over three years and I started seeing a psychologist re my depression about my infertility. It really was making me sad and angry. Anyway, my 12th session was last week and I worked through my biggest issue- fear of failure. I had never failed at anything in my life, except for this. And despite putting ALL my effort into it, I still failed. Anyway, to end this story, I just found out I am pregnant. I don't even believe it yet and seriously taking it an hour at a time as I have wanted this my whole life and am terrified it will be taken away. So I want to give you faith. Looking back, I only wish I relaxed more and enjoyed it instead of being so hard on myself. I need to learn how to do that even now, after I have achieved my goal. Anyway, lots of love xo Amy Leeks

JoJo said...

Beautiful post! As I was reading it, it made me realize I am allowing this journey to consume me and I AM the once causing stress to myself.

Toni Rapp said...

Absolutely love your post. It is so beautiful spoken and so true.

Amber said...

Right there with you sister! It's such a hard thing to not want more than we have, but the fact of the matter is that none of us knows if we how long we have left on this Earth. If we could just slow down to appreciate everything that we DO have...It's a really difficult concept to embrace, especially when want we want is our own family with our own babies, but we still do have so much to be grateful for. I appreciate you for this post and your constant positive attitude and outlook on life. Thank you for helping us all keep it in perspective.

ThistleAshD said...

good for you! This idea is important for all of us to remember wherever we are :)

Amy Lynn said...

I love this post. It's very inspiring! I'm glad you have reached this point, and I hope to get there soon too. I haven't been struggling with this as long as you, or even looked into medical help because I'm still so young. Mostly just because I hope to get that peace before I feel like I need to take those measures, but that's just me. I wish you all the best of luck and happiness in the rest of your thirties, and beyond! Thanks for reminding me to try to stay in the now, and not to wish my life away. :)

Edward Ramirez, MD said...

Thank you for sensitively sharing your infertility journey with others. Yes, admitting something is the first step to discovering a solution. It is that first step that is the hardest for all those that suffer from infertility. So many have gone down that path...including myself and my wife over 14 years ago. We were TTC for 12 years believe it or not before we went on to do IVF (wife was 38 yo) and it was a success. We have just the one and she became our "second" journey...Keep trying, you are still young!Good luck. EJR, MD

Whitney B. said...

I absolutely love your blog and this post. Couldn't have written or said it better myself. You are describing exactly how every woman feels at some point in their life. I currently feel I am going through a quarter life crisis! I've graduated from college, have a good job (not ideal, but good), have a sweetheart of a husband... but my 27th birthday will be celebrated in 11 days and I have this doom and gloom attitude. I didn't accomplish enough, maybe I should get a Master's? We've been trying for 2.4 years to have a baby and I have to look through tons of FB photos of other people's kids.
It is SO easy to jump into that race and want to compete, but you are SO right! We need to enjoy these moments right here and now!

Nicole Marie said...

gosh your so right, i think about that a lot... i look back at pictures at think how great i looked and young and yet at that time i didn't not feel that way about myself... lately i've been freaking out that i've aged a lot and look old... seriously so ridiculous but it's so easy to get caught up in "the competition"

Anonymous said...

Very well said and thought-provoking. I feel like you could have pulled the last 3 paragraphs directly from my head. Thanks for your raw honesty; it's humbling.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. This sounds awful familiar, like some1 reading outta my book

Darcy said...

Wow! Truer words couldn't be spoken. Keeping up with the Jones' is a tedious task and we often lose ourselves in the process. College, beauty, career, marriage, children, houses, cars, money, the list goes on and on. Oddly enough, I'm halfway typing out my own similar blog on the same subject as "living in the moment" It's such a hard thing to do, but is so crucial to overall happiness. I wish you the best as you strive to live in the moment. xoxo

klam0906 said...

You said it perfectly!

Stephanie said...

This is a wonderful post. You verbalized a lot of women's struggles so well. We always want what we don't have, and we forget to remember all the blessings that surround us... so life passes without embracing the moments we should be cherishing.

Blah, you've made me think! So glad I found you (Aloha Blog Hop). Happy Wednesday!

xo,
Stephanie
Diary of a Debutante
www.stephanieziajka.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

xoxo!

Becky said...

I think that's a beautiful realization that you're enough, you're ok without a baby right now. I think so many women get so caught up with needing that baby to feel complete, and until they get it, they just feel empty. That's a place I never want to be in. Life's not fair, but that doesn't mean you can celebrate and enjoy the place you're in, even if it's not exactly where you want to be. Good post! :)

Emily said...

The second to last paragraph broke my heart. Then the last statement empowered me. Thank you for writing about things I can relate to. This was a beautiful post. You are not alone in how you feel, and it takes a strong women to admit publicly how vulnerable they are. You are amazing. :)

Janna Renee said...

We all need to be able to be happy with what we have! I actually learned that lesson during the deployment. I've always been a pretty content person by just allowing life to happen to me, but having my husband gone for nine months gave me a lot of perspective. I am happy to simply live in the moment now. I hope that you can find that happiness in you too <3

Aubrey said...

This is such a great post! I truly wish I had half as much strength as you. Even though I know it's not healthy, for me, a baby = happiness. :(

Blogging tips