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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

my head and heart are not in the game


I'm tired. I'm really tired.
Four years is too long. 
A pointed out that we've been struggling to have a child for more than 10% of our lives.
That is way too long for anyone to feel the constant disappointment of infertility...month after month.

Sometimes I just wonder if I should let it go. 
Accept our fate.

The thought of never having a child is so painful.
But so is continuing on like this. 

Tears stream down my face as I type this and I'm so thankful that my husband is at work.
It breaks my heart for him to see me hurting because he can't fix this.
I know tomorrow I'll be fine, but today...not so much.

On Monday, I got my blood drawn for the AMH test. A waited in the truck.
When I came out, I just started crying and said "I'm so sick of this."
I try so hard to be strong because I need to be...but sometimes I just can't do it anymore.

I can't go through with IVF again. Not right now.
I'm not ready. It's not even the shots anymore... I can handle that. It is having all of those drugs in my body and risking the hugest disappointment of my lifetime if this doesn't work. 

When we started IVF in December, I was ready. Excited for the possibilities. Hopeful for the baby that this process could bring. But I don't feel that way right now. I feel a little lost and a lot discouraged. 
Just not ready.

And so we are on another break.
I called my IVF nurse coordinator to tell her that we will not be moving forward this cycle. I'm not taking any more of the birth control pills after today. That's it.
I told her I'll call her when we are ready to start again.

In the meantime. 
I pull myself together and get ready.
Besides giving my body a rest from all the drugs, I need to get my heart and mind in the right place.
The best way for me to do that is through prayer and exercise.


This morning I went for a three mile run before work. I didn't know if I could even make it 3 miles since I haven't ran at all in the last three months. But I did. My rear end was a little more jiggly than I remember but I did it. I felt good. It provided me time to reflect and gain some perspective. For some reason, I get clarity on things that I'm struggling with when I run. It became clear that I need to give myself permission to take a step back before moving forward again on this journey.

And something else I need to do for myself....get back on the horse. Literally. 
Horseback riding is so therapeutic for me. 
So I'll be starting back up this weekend.
It is time to take care of myself and get back to a place where I feel good, strong and positive.


60 comments:

Aramis said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. We have all been there. Hell, I'm pretty much there right now. It just hurts so much sometimes that you don't know how you can keep going. And yet we do. A break sounds like a great idea. I'll probably be joining you. *hugs*

ThistleAshD said...

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. And I certainly don't have any encouraging proverbs to give you. Those are always so trite when the reality is that it hurts sometimes. I am no stranger to pain and the only thing I can say for sure is that when it hurts Gods grace really is there. Praying that you can feel His love tangibly today. Because regardless of your pain His love is so so deep and real and unfathomable for you :)

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

I think it is braver to "take a break" than it is to move forward with this, if you're not ready. At the risk of sounding condescending (which I am NOT intending), I'm so proud of you! Run, ride horses, pray. God will let you know when it's time.

Lily said...

You should get connected with Lauren from forlaurenandlauren.blogspot.com She has the same story, but now she is finally pregnant. She has so many people praying for her. I'll be praying for you too!

k8te said...

i'm glad you're taking a break to take care of yourself, it's so important! also, i'm a huge horse fan...so i'm a little jealous of your riding! i hope you can get the much needed rest you deserve!

Toni Rapp said...

Jessah you post tonight just made my heart so heavy. I know exactly how you are feeling with the despair and heartache. I respect you so much for knowing when to take a step back and get yourself in a better place before moving forward.

I truly hope that this ivf was just a bump in the road and when you decide to start treatment again, things go smoothly and you get some beautiful little embryos.

Sending you so much love and hugs from Oklahoma. Take your time to heal and come back with a fiery spirit and kick infertility in the butt!

mommy someday said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated! I totally understand the feeling of needing a break. Hope you are able to recharge and decide what your next steps are.

Laura Rahel said...

You are such a sweet, sweet woman. I am so sorry for your dissapointment. I know it comes with a plethora of other hard to handle feelings. Sending happy and hopeful thoughts your way. That you rediscover your passions and get to that peaceful place you seek.

C. Brittingham said...

It is so comforting to know I am not alone in this battle called infertility and there really is someone else out there that can understand my heart ache. I love reading your post and this one struck home. honestly I don't know if I can ever let go but I am doing my best to be strong. my heart goes out to you.

Mrs. H said...

Lots and lots of prayers for you! I wish I had some words to take away your pain or help with refilling your hope. I do know that God has a plan for you. It sucks and it's hard when you can't see it, but I know you will get through this.

Xoxo

Katie said...

Jessah I am so sorry. I read your last posts awhile ago and have been thinking of you a lot. I'm so sorry your cycle was cancelled and you went through all that without even getting a chance to see if it would work. I don't think there is a right answer for any of this. There is no timeline that is right or way to approach it, as every couple needs to do what they need to do to take care of themselves. I'm proud of you for making that decision to take a break. I can't imagine how hard that is. I wish I had something promising or encouraging to say. You are a strong woman and you will get through this. I'm thinking of you a lot.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Have you heard of Alice Domar's mind and body classes? I am seeing a therapist through our RE's office and I just signed up for her 8 week series that is based on the Domar philosophy. We just experienced our 2nd failed IUI. I know it's minor compared to a failed IVF, but it was my version of hell. And I know I need to make some changes before we go further. My body needs to be more at peace, ya know? Feel free to email me if you ever need to chat. Maybe Google Alice Domar and see if your area offers something similar. Does your area have any Resolve meetings? Hang in there, friend.

Deborah said...

Hugs

suzanne said...

You have know idea how much I relate to your post on so many levels. Just know you are not alone and when you are ready to jump back in the game, lots of people will be here to support you!!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain and I am sorry your going through this long and painful journey. I am slightly older and have moved at a quick pace for the past 2 years to beat the clock. I had a beautiful healthy child easily with my late husband and finally remarried and we have attempted everything humanly possible to have a baby - 5 rounds of IVF, 2 DE cycles and now were on a GC path. While it has been an emotional roller coster we have somehow push through and out support for each other is amazing. My husband keeps promising me that some day this will happen. I am a poor responder to IVF - despite every test being normal and I have a " prove " uterus.

Take time to regroup and do what is best for you and your husband -

kharini said...

I have felt like you before, and like you, I've decided to take a break and I've never regretted it. An IVF cycle is challenging and starting off already exhausted and sad it's never a good idea. Good for you for going on your run, I enjoyed mine yesterday :) xo

jAllen said...

Wishing you the best as you recharge. You'll know when you're ready to start again.

Anonymous said...

What is so tiring is the swings between being really positive and then feeling like giving up to protect yourself from the potential heartbreak. I understand, as am going through the same thing. I don't know how to stay positive but realistic at the same time, but if I find out I will let you know. Until then, I will keep swinging! Amy xo

JoJo said...

I can relate to your post as well. Dh and I have not been trying for four years but we have not been preventing. It has been 5 years of unproted sex and not 1 positive HPT. It does get a bit discouraging sometimes and I have the same emotional tolls. DH dsnt know how to handle it either. Ur right to say today u are not fine and the next u are. U should take the time to regroup urself, dont go through with something if ur heart isnt in it.

Sara said...

I am so sorry your going through this. It amazes me how honest you come across in this; just like I would be talking to you face to face.

Although I don't understand everything that you're going through, I know it must be very difficult and weary. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

I am so glad I found your blog today. :-) Definitely worth reading.

Aspgriswold said...

Sending so many thoughts your way. Infertility is so cruel. Hugs darling.

Irfan Butt said...

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http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com

Sar said...

I'm sorry and wish i could hug ya. Am glad you're finding ways to take care of yourself--running saved me at multiple points in our 2 1/2 year infertility journey.

Erika said...

Deciding to pause treatment can be even harder than just blazing on...proud of you for choosing what's right for you right now. It's okay to stop being strong, and I'm glad you have someone by your side to support you in that. And I'm super impressed by busting out a three-mile run...go, girl!

shay said...

i am so sad for you and with you... and somewhat in the same boat as you. this whole process is just so completely draining and frustrating. its so hard to maintain a positive outlook. maybe this break is what you need to just take some time for you and your husband to just regroup a little.

Sending you lots of hugs!

Gypsy Mama said...

Wow looks like you live in a beautiful area!

After my failed IVF#1, my first reaction was that I wanted to go back to Cancun RIGHT AWAY to try again. Well no, actually my first reaction was that I wanted to go down the adoption road again, but since we can't afford that I decided I wanted to go back to try IVF#2 asap.However, the condo I stay in wasn't available until 4 months later, and I was super bummed out about the break from trying. Now I am in the middle of my break, and I am so glad I had this time. A few normal periods, get the drugs out of my system, go dancing and have fun, and in March I will saddle up again.

I think you made the right decision taking some time for yourself. It's important to be in the right frame of mind

Lauren said...

That is a long time. I can't tell you the number of times when we were trying to get pregnant with our first that I became totally and utterly overwhelmed by how incredibly SAD it is that we couldn't have children naturally. "Sad" is such a little word, and isn't good enough for the situation. But really, it's beyond words how awful it is for a loving couple who would make great parents to experience infertility.

Thinking of you.(((HUGS)))

Rachel said...

Hi! New follower from the linkup. Loving your blog & can't wait to read more :) Hope you have a great day!
Rachel
http://sugar-stripes.blogspot.com/

Ducky said...

You need to take care of you, and if that means some time of the infertility treatment hamster wheel so be it. In the end, it will make you a happier, less stressed person who is able to take on more of the weight again. ((hugs)) you can do it! Thanks for your comment on my blog.

ICLW #51 Ducky

Lya said...

I think it is so important to listen to your heart and your body! Sometimes putting things on hold is the best thing we can do. I'm proud of you for saying out loud what you are feeling "I can't do this right now, I need a break" and actually follow through with it.

You will know when you are ready to board that train again.

Thinking of you!

Bethany Small said...

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I'll say a prayer for you and your husband! Have hope that God can take something so painful in life and make it something better!

JenS said...

You have to take care of yourself through all of this. I needed a break after my last IVF failed. Sometimes you just need to step back and think about something else for a little while.

Cristy said...

Jessiah, I've been in this place. This place of fear and uncertainty. It's a hard and painful place to be. I think it's very common to go through this after a failed cycle. Some people deal with it by getting back into the game. But for others, myself included, taking a break and healing is the best course of action. Give yourself time. Focus on other things (running, horseback riding, your husband). This will still be here if/when you want to continue this road.

Sending love and light

Non Sequitur Chica said...

TTC for over 10% of our life= a scary statistic and one that I don't even want to think about!!


I'm sorry that you are upset, but we do have to take breaks for our sanity. Relax, exercise, eat healthy, do whatever you need to do to get ready for your next cycle.

nh said...

Here from ICLW...

If you need a break - make sure you take one. Take time to reflect and review - do whatever you feel is best.

ICLW

Elizabeth Ann @ Elizabeth Ann's Recipe Box said...

I understand not wanting to start again. . . sometimes you just need a break. . . Praying for you

Leslie Harris said...

Jessah, I just read this amazing post from a blogger who left a comment on Gwen Moss. I was so moved afterwards and I immediately thought of you. Here it is, maybe you've seen it?
http://pitterandglink.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-future.html
Hang it there, I'm sending you lots of hope and prayers.
Leslie (aka Gwen Moss)

J and A said...

I'm glad you are doing what is right for you. I'm sorry you are hurting. When you are feeling ready and stronger it will be perfect timing. Sending a big hug.

Team Harries said...

Hope the running and riding is great therapy for you and let's you get your mind off of things!

Dream Chase said...

Jessah, I am so sorry! I really do understand and if my current cycle fails I may take a break as well. It is so hard to keep going, to keep trying, just for a possibility, not even a promise or any kind of guarantee. You have to take care of you and I'm so glad you are taking time for that right now. *hugs*

Andy said...

Sweetie I am so so sorry to read this. Please take all the time you need and know that you can get back into the game when you are ready.

Alicia said...

Oh Jessah, I know exactly how you feel. Your words and feelings are so very familiar. Cry. Grieve. I'm sending you the hugest hug across the miles.

b.b. of :: something glorious blog :: said...

i have been reading your blog for awhile now and was absolutely crushed to read about this recent cycle of your's, and i can only image what you're going through... we are currently in the 2ww of our first iui cycle, and know that it can only go one of two ways. i'm finding that it is so hard to protect your heart from the disappointment of the journey through infertility. i really pray that you and your hubby can decompress from this past cycle, take a little time to breathe, and get a fresh start when you're ready to resume the journey again.

you will certainly be in my prayers!

Making Each Day Count! said...

Oh girl I can relate, it is so hard. Taking a break is sometimes the best medicine, I hope this time will give your heart a rest and allow your mind to wander to other topics, even though it's hard to go there. We tried for 5 years, it was the hardest 5 years of my life - we took many breaks, but those times were the most refreshing and prepared us to try again. Good luck!

2justByou said...

Just reading the first half of your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you're having to go through such a tough time. It can't be easy. But taking a break can be really good for you, and you're right - your heart, your mind...They need to be in the right place.

I'm a new GFC follower from Aloha Blog Hop. And I'm so glad to be here. I'll be grabbing your button and following on Pinterest as well. Hope you'll swing by and take a peek at my blog. There will also be a hop there later tonight.

~Kim
http://2justByou.blogspot.com

Mandi said...

My heart breaks for you. Stay strong and do what you think is right, the rest will follow. Hugs from cyberspace.

Enjoying the Epiphany said...

I'm so sorry. This must be so frustrating. :-(

I am your newest follower and was hopin' that you'd swing by, hang out for a bit, and follow back if you like what you see.

Have a lovely day,
Sarah
www.enjyingtheepiphany.com

Megan Brink said...

Jessah, you are such a brave, beautiful soul! I feel so lucky to have found you on IG and even luckier to be able to read your journey as I embark on my own with IVF. Infertility is so hard to deal with, and it definitely seems like no one understands it except those who walk those similar lines- even if our journey is not the same I understand the frustration and sadness that comes with it.
Thinking of you!

@megbrink from IG

abrinkadventure.blogspot.com

Christa said...

This is such a true and raw feeling that I think all ttc women get. It's such a harsh reality too. Your post made me cry. I've been at this point, it's not fun. You'll get through it though and you'll know when it's time to try again. Best of luck to you!

Sarah said...

I know how this feels. And it's so very normal and OKAY to feel this way after all the hurt and disappointment. I think it's a actually a great idea to step back and pamper yourself mentally and physically. The ute won't be any good without your heart and mind in it :) So good for you for taking a little break. Hugs! xo

Anonymous said...

Please don't give up! Trust that God has the right timing for everything. While your on a break please pray about this and ask Christ to guide you. He's amazing and a miracle worker. Put all your faith in Him. He will listen to your prayers. Just don't give up! It's going to be worth it. I have a feeling that you're going to be a mommy.

LWLH said...

I just want to jump through the screen and give you a big hug. I can't relate to what you're going through but I have faith that it will all work out for you. I don't know how or when but I know/hope it will.

sharah said...

ICLW #55. Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break, step back, and collect yourself. Going constantly is exhausting - mentally and physically. I hope you find the peace you are looking for!

Whitney B. said...

I hate to hear another woman is hurting so much because of infertility. It is such a painful thing to go through and I totally support you in taking a break, getting your mind and body right. Sometimes you just need that. Stay positive and hope for good things to come!

Whitney@SomethingBroughtYouHere said...

Take care of yourself first! I know how hard infertility is and if you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Just take some time to enjoy the now.
XO,
Whitney

Bethany Lee said...

Wow! Beautifully written. I seriously think that I could have written this post a few months ago. It's so crazy how women who struggle with infertility feel so alone when there are so many of us out there! I am sending prayers and strength and encouragement your way! I hope that you keep in mind what I have realized through my journey: not being able to have a child does not define you. You are so much more than just a woman who has trouble bearing a child. I think we struggle because having a child is something that's supposed to come naturally, and yet, for some reason we're wired differently and have trouble. But through my struggles, I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. I have learned so much about myself. And in your quiet times, on your runs our where ever else, if you will take time to reflect, you will realize that about yourself as well. Don't give up hope, and don't be defined by your ability/inablity to have a child. Hugs!

Heather said...

Jessah - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but admire your honesty and bravery in taking a break. Keeping you in my prayers.

Sam M said...

I love this post. Im sorry that you're struggling through this, but you are so right in your post. Sometimes you just need to take a break, focus on other things to reboost and restimulate yourself with the goodness in the world. I hope it works.

Sarah said...

HUGE hugs Jessah. Thinking of you.

Ashley said...

I have been thinking about you! Praying for you. It's ok to take a break. For as long as you need. If you want to talk/vent, I'm here to listen.

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