A pointed out that we've been struggling to have a child for more than 10% of our lives.
That is way too long for anyone to feel the constant disappointment of infertility...month after month.
Sometimes I just wonder if I should let it go.
Accept our fate.
The thought of never having a child is so painful.
But so is continuing on like this.
Tears stream down my face as I type this and I'm so thankful that my husband is at work.
It breaks my heart for him to see me hurting because he can't fix this.
I know tomorrow I'll be fine, but today...not so much.
On Monday, I got my blood drawn for the AMH test. A waited in the truck.
When I came out, I just started crying and said "I'm so sick of this."
I try so hard to be strong because I need to be...but sometimes I just can't do it anymore.
I can't go through with IVF again. Not right now.
I'm not ready. It's not even the shots anymore... I can handle that. It is having all of those drugs in my body and risking the hugest disappointment of my lifetime if this doesn't work.
When we started IVF in December, I was ready. Excited for the possibilities. Hopeful for the baby that this process could bring. But I don't feel that way right now. I feel a little lost and a lot discouraged.
Just not ready.
And so we are on another break.
I called my IVF nurse coordinator to tell her that we will not be moving forward this cycle. I'm not taking any more of the birth control pills after today. That's it.
I told her I'll call her when we are ready to start again.
In the meantime.
I pull myself together and get ready.
Besides giving my body a rest from all the drugs, I need to get my heart and mind in the right place.
The best way for me to do that is through prayer and exercise.
This morning I went for a three mile run before work. I didn't know if I could even make it 3 miles since I haven't ran at all in the last three months. But I did. My rear end was a little more jiggly than I remember but I did it. I felt good. It provided me time to reflect and gain some perspective. For some reason, I get clarity on things that I'm struggling with when I run. It became clear that I need to give myself permission to take a step back before moving forward again on this journey.
And something else I need to do for myself....get back on the horse. Literally.
Horseback riding is so therapeutic for me.
So I'll be starting back up this weekend.
It is time to take care of myself and get back to a place where I feel good, strong and positive.