Yesterday, I had my baseline ultrasound and estradiol blood test. Dr. M gave us the thumbs up to start stims today. I'm in such a good place emotionally. I can actually say... I'm excited. Who knows how I'll feel later this week when the three shots a day make me feel like a human pincushion and my ovaries blow up to the size of small water balloons. But for now, I feel good.
In the past, I've looked at this whole IVF process through such a negative filter. I'd think about how much it sucks that most people get to have pleasurable sex and spend the price of a cheap bottle of wine...and the result - a baby. While I have to stick myself daily with three different needles, pumping my body full of hormones, undergo surgery and spend nearly $20,000 for a mere 30-50% chance that we might end up with a baby in the end.
And don't get me started on all the of people who have babies that don't want or can't take care of them. How I waited until I met the right person so my baby didn't end up fatherless. I went to college and built a solid career so that I could provide everything my child could ever need. And when all of that was in place, the perfect scenario for parenthood, too late because a baby might not be possible.
This is the stuff that I used to think about which made me feel depressed, sad and cheated. Those were my darkest days of infertility. More recently, I've let my fear that IVF won't work keep me from embracing this process. And it might not work. And that will be devastating. But I refuse to let my fear overshadow the very exciting possibility that it might will work.
I'm happy to say that I've stripped most of the negative, fear-based thoughts away. If my mind starts to spiral down a path that is making me feel sad or negative, I gently readjust my thinking. I remind myself that with every shot, we are closer to our baby than we've ever been. I focus on the things that I'm grateful for...like my amazing husband and family, our ability to afford IVF, my supportive team at work, the great clinic and doctors we have access to in our region and the encouragement that I receive from all of you. It's amazing how powerful our thoughts can be and how much they dictate how we feel. We certainly can't prevent bad or unfair things from happening in our lives. But we can decide how we want to react to them.
I choose joy and excitement.
A and I are embracing infertility even though the road has been long and hard. We have chosen to try IVF which is emotionally, physically and financially draining. But it's also a gift. Women experiencing infertility 40 years ago didn't have this option. If they couldn't conceive naturally...that was it. It is hard to believe that the first baby conceived through IVF was in 1977 (the same year I was born). So we're really lucky to live in an age where science makes it possible to get that 30-50% shot at being parents.
Here's to the first shots in the stomach tonight to grow lots of healthy eggs this cycle and to being one step closer to bringing home our baby.