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Monday, December 3, 2012

epiphany.

So I wasn't going to write tonight.
Heck, I wasn't going to do any blogging at all because I have a million other things that I should be doing right now.

But...I've had something on my mind all day and I want to get it out.
I had a bit of an epiphany last night. 
It was about fear and positive thinking.
I've noticed that when I tell people we are moving forward with IVF, everyone gets so excited and tells me that they know it is going to work. This is usually followed by an anecdotal success story of someone they know who now has a baby.

Then I do this thing to protect myself where I mention that for every success story, there is a failed IVF story (that isn't told as often). 50/50 odds. Those are the numbers. It might work. It might not. I'm aware that I must come off like a huge pessimist. And I don't mean to. But it's almost like I have to curb their enthusiasm with the facts. I think I do this because I am scared and I'm trying to protect myself for the failure that might come.

Makes sense, right? 
Here's the rub. Your mind can be a powerful thing. Think of all the books out there that talk about the power of positive thinking. I have no clue whether IVF is going to work. But I have a better shot at success if I'm telling myself this is going to work than if I'm thinking this might fail. 

The first time I tried this positive phrase on for size, it felt like a lie. A big fat lie. I didn't believe it. I still only partially believe it. But maybe the more I practice this affirmation, the more real and true it will feel. So from now on...I'm replacing those old fear-based conversations with new, positive ones.

My IVF will be successful.
I will be in the 50% that achieves success.
I will be a mother next year.
A will be hold his baby in his arms in 2013.

All of the statements above could be dead-wrong. 
But I'll deal with that if/when it is becomes a reality and not a moment sooner. 
For now....

This is going to work. It has to.
A and I are going to be parents. 


28 comments:

Jenn said...

Thank you for sharing this! I can use some of this encouragement too :) will be praying for you and your little one! xo

http://mylifeasawifetheblog.blogspot.com/

Lya said...

I'm struggling with this as well.
Part of me wants to be super positive but the other half tells me to be prepared for the worst. I find it very difficult to find a good balance.

I'll be practicing your affirmations with you!

b.b. said...

i'm currently in the same place mentally that you are right now... though we are not at the point of IVF yet, my hubs and i are just about to start the IUI process with our RE, it's hard for people to understand the callouses we have to build up to protect our hearts from any potential disappointment. but that's unfortunately one of the coping mechanisms when you cross into infertile territory. =) but i believe that staying positive and having faith goes a long way, some times God just needs us to be "hands off" so that He can be hands on and create a miracle... i'll be praying for your proceedure, and i'm so glad i found your blog!

Ali @ Not All Dreams Are Free said...

Great post! That positivity will help you enormously! I dared to say something like your last couple of sentences to my MIL in Feb this year, and the look of terror on her face was shocking. She couldn't handle the fact that I dared to utter such a positive statement when IVF was such a gamble. So many people tried to 'bring me down to earth' or 'help' me manage my expectations by reminding me about the uncertainties of IVF. It didn't help, it only played on my doubts and made me more nervous about the whole process.

I am ALL FOR your positive affirmations! You will be a parent in 2013!!

Lisa said...

Fingers crossed for you .I hope it all works.
big cyber hugs xo

Emily said...

I have caught myself doing the same thing so many times. It's a balancing act trying to stay positive and realistic at the same time.

When I found out I was pregnant recently and the hCG numbers were still really low, I was happy only for about two seconds before telling my husband that we need to realistic about our expectations with the pregnancy. Was I dooming myself, protecting myself, or just stating the facts? Who knows.

The pregnancy is currently ending in miscarriage. Is it because I "was right" all along and I was right to be realistic about the situation, or did it happen because I called it into my life by not being faithful enough about the situation?

I think when you go through so many ups and downs in the infertility journey, it almost programs you to try to balance any joy with a tiny bit of realism, because what many of us start to feel is that we feel "stupid" if we believe so hard and then things still don't go our way. It's like, why did I ever think that could have worked?

I love your flipping it around. I am trying to be better about claiming what I want to happen and squashing those negative self defeating thoughts. I need to write myself a couple short affirmations to post on my bathroom mirror and read daily. Doing that really can turn it into a habit. It takes work, but it can be very powerful in the end. I believe that!

Aspgriswold said...

Love this. I am a big big believer in positive thinking. You've got your head in the right space and that is so important when going through something like IVF. Sending you many many thoughts and prayers!

Mrs. H said...

I'm a firm believer in positive thinking. My first cycle I told myself I was going to say positive affirmations and I did, but deep down inside I didn't believe them. I was just saying them and holding on to my fears. I was trying to fake it. Our cycle failed. Then for my second cycle the new RE said to me he wasn't going to start right away he suggested I take the time to get my mind right. With the help of Circle and Bloom and a few positive affirmation books I really got myself in a place where I truly believed my next cycle would work....and well you know the rest. Coincidence? Maybe but I've always believed in the power of positive thinking.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I like your positive thoughts. Having just done our first IUI, I often find myself countering everyone's, "I feel it! This is it!!" comments with, "Well its only 10-20% in our favor. Don't get ahead of yourself." And then I apologize for being so negative. It's hard to remain positive thoughout all of this.

Jacki said...

Jessah, I am praying that you WILL be among the successful half!

I heard something last night to the effect of "once we commit, destiny conspires with us to make it happen" - so for whatever that's worth, I think it's wonderful to commit to positive, affirming self-talk regarding your IVF. Let destiny have something to conspire with you about.

elizabeth said...

Yes, the power of positive thoughts are great! praying for success !

Melanie Schultz said...

and remember too, its okay if you can't be positive all the time. You will have good days and bad days but try to let the sun shine everyday :) IVF is not a 100% guarantee but its not a guaranteed fail. I give you such credit for taking this leap of faith. You are strong. Tell yourself that everyday.

Toni Rapp said...

Unfortunately I can't say if it will work or not. I have high hopes that you have a successful cycle and have a baby in your arms next year. Wishing you nothing but the best

Anonymous said...

I'm turning 35 in less than a month and no baby !! Your posts give me a hope and strength that we can still live a fulfilling life and be thankful for the things we do have.

Seagull said...

This reaction is so common when you tell people about IVF b/c now IVF feels so "normal" to people thanks to celebs and many equate it with "the big guns" for IF treatment so it HAS to work. But you are right, it is 50/50 chance, still.

But keep in mind that getting pg just on intercourse is only 10% chance and for IUIs it's only up to 20% so 50% in fertility is a HUGE improvement. Also, IVF is not the end of the line but the beginning. Before my IVF i felt like it HAD to work and i was terrified if it didn't. Well, my IVF fresh transfer didn't work but my FET using the embryos from that IVF did so you never know what the outcome will be.

i guess, point is, as you gear up for this IVF just try to prepare as much as you can to give yourself the best chance possible.

GL!

Kimberly said...

Sending more positive thoughts your way!!! Such a great realization.

shay said...

i totally hear you on all of this... this whole journey is such a mind f*ck, mentally - physically - emotionally.

i think we sort of psych ourselves down because we think it will be less disappointing. but its really not.

so i'm with you. i'm trying out the positive thinking... the picking myself up, dusting myself off, and putting on the smile of positivity.

:) it also helps knowing there are others going thru this and you are not alone. anytime you need to vent, be upset or be negative, feel free to give me a shout! i understand completely!

Dream Chase said...

I know how you feel, 'cause I've been there. I'm very big on not lying to myself, however, I've learned you aren't lying to yoruself. Lying is knowingly saying something you know for a fact is false. Since you are right and we don't know the outcome, it's much better to tell a "good story" than a "scary one". It's not a lie and when this works it will be the truth. Also, remember in order to even be attempting IVF, deep in you, you do have hope and believe it will work or that it probably will work.

I am praying that 2013 is all you hope it will be and that it's absolutely perfect in everyway with a nice pregnancy, delivary, and finally holding that beloved baby.

Team Harries said...

I like the positive comments!!

Shannon Elise said...

Positive thinking and believing is a powerful thing. You have come so far on your mental/spiritual journey and I think you are in a perfect state-of-mind going into IVF. I am so proud of you! Xo

Deborah said...

Remember the word says, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks". With that said, I think the fear comes from having faith in the procedure and when you begin to make those statements you feel like it's a lie because (maybe) you're telling your self/trying to convince yourself to trust in the IVF when all this time you have been putting your trust in God. Instead of focusing on the procedure when in conversation just place the focus back on the ONE that gives life and He will use/choose the avenue in which to bless you. ("Oh, you're doing IVF, my friend had their 1st baby....I know it will work for you... Response: You know there is a chance that it doesn't but we are believing God to bless us so it's more about Him in the situation then the IVF itself.) You also get an opportunity to teach about the faithfulness and character of God especially when you are expecting your bundle of joy because of the seeds you already planted.

Good Timing said...

Thinking of you and sending my positive thoughts your way too!

Amber said...

It's just so much more comforting to try to be positive, but it is oh so hard! Keep up the positive attitude and who knows? Maybe every single word of affirmation will come true!!!

Kara said...

Positive thinking is so huge in this journey. We are currently going through IVF and I have to remind myself this each and everyday. There are so many things that are unknown, pop up, don't go as planned in this journey. And it is so important to just let it go and let God take control. Your only job is to just keep saying and thinking those affirmative thoughts and let God and your body do the rest.

Now...if only I can remember my own advice every.single.day :-)

Hugs,
Kara
www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

Whitney Brown said...

You are so right. New follower also dealing with infertility going on 2 years now. After being told IVF is it, we are getting a 2nd opinion and seeing where that takes us...

rachel said...

this is a big, warm, snuggly hug i am sending you...i believe in this for you guys with my heart of hearts...i know about the numbers, but i also know that your epiphany is true. let your body know that even though it's put you through hell, you will not stop believing. you are physically strong. there is nothing wrong. you CAN do this!!! the scientific numbers might be 50/50 but science can't account for the power of the mind. xo

Kerri Andersen said...

i have so much sympathy for you. IVF is one of the most intense emotional roller coasters someone can get themselves on in this life, in my opinion. and not many people understand that. i don't know from experience, but i have close friends who have turned to IVF. sometimes it leads to heartache, sometimes to unimaginable joy. i am voting so hard for the latter for YOU. good luck.

Janna Renee said...

I hear the book "The Secret" is good for teaching you positive thinking, but I recently read "The Traveler's Gift" by Andy Andrews and I think you could get a lot out of it. It's about the seven keys to success and a big part of achieving what you desire is positive thinking. Plus the way the book touches you allows it to stick! I know you've got this girl!

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