Thursday, October 25, 2012

A decision has been made.

Today we go to see Dr. M.
I haven't been to the clinic since the end of last year when I decided to do my laparoscopy.
Today, we are going for a consultation and he will be performing an ultrasound to see if there are any endometrial cysts on my ovaries.

If there are, I need surgery again.
If not, we are moving forward with IVF.
For real this time.
Like on my next cycle.

We are finally ready.
I'm not sure why the time never seemed right before.
Probably fear. I was am scared. 

But we need resolution. One way or the other.
A and I don't want to be in limbo anymore.
Either IVF works.
Or it doesn't.

I can't be afraid anymore.
At the end of this, we will either have a beautiful baby.
Or we won't. 

I hope it's not the latter.
But if it is, we will pick up the pieces and move on with our lives together.
Try to find the silver lining.
But it will be over.

My friends who don't quite know the right words have asked me if I'm excited.
Not at all.
Excited is not even close to the right word.
I could never be excited about all of the things I'm about to go through.
If you don't know what this process entails, read this.

I feel content.
Surprisingly, I'm not anxious. 
Although that might change when an arsenal of drugs arrives at my doorstep and I have a syringe in my hand trying to administer my first shot.

But for now, I'm at peace.
This is the right decision for us.
We don't want to give up on our dream of becoming parents without trying IVF.
But if this doesn't work, we are ready to walk away.

Since we need all the luck we can get, I will be wearing my special socks.
The ones that I received from a fellow infertility blogger friend, Toni in Cristy's sock exchange
They are the cutest owl, knee socks.
While other bloggers are swapping nail polish, magazines, scarves...we swap socks.
For good luck.
And to keep our feet warm in the stirrups!


J and A said...

I am excited for you. I am so glad you are not anxious, keep up that attitude. We have our big appt on Friday and I am actually looking forward to having more answers and more help. Keep us posted and I will be thinking of you. LOVE the owl socks!!

Heather said...

I'm so thankful that you feel at peace. It's a big decision, that's for sure. And you're right... it's hard to feel excited when you know the physical and emotional roller coaster that will accompany this step. Know that many after lifting you up in prayer and praying for continued peace.

Cute socks!

Heather said...

I'm so thankful that you feel at peace. It's a big decision, that's for sure. And you're right... it's hard to feel excited when you know the physical and emotional roller coaster that will accompany this step. Know that many after lifting you up in prayer and praying for continued peace.

Cute socks!

Toni Rapp said...

I absolutely understand your feelings about this upcoming cycle. Just try to keep you chin up and moving forward. From what I can tell, you are a very strong woman. Can't wait for you to get started!

Wifessionals said...

Saying a prayer for you guys!


sunnyside up said...

Wishing nothing but happy thoughts for you!
It can be scary - but you have the most positive attitude EVER!


(btw: LOVE the socks! So sad I never got mine.)

RadiantKristen said...

I hope the news you get today is good! I am glad for you that you and your husband are moving forward, one way or another. And I won't lie to you... as an egg donor, I've done the first half of IVF. It's not fun, but it's also not the worst thing I've ever done, not by a longshot. Good luck today, girl. I'm pulling for you.

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Sending you loads of good luck! and those socks are adorable!!

Shannon Elise said...

First off, LOVE your socks! I hope they bring you luck today in your consultation. Living in limbo is the absoulte hardest. I don't think there is anything worse. You don't go forward, move just sit. You know how hopeful I am for you and A to have your beautiful baby, but I am most happy for you to move forward with this next step. It is the same with J and I. When we made an official decision to adopt, I felt content. Just happy to have made a choice. It is not the one I originally hoped for. But, I told him the other day...the VERY worst thing that can happen is that we will not get a child. And yes, that is not the outcome either of us want. But, if that is the case, as you say, we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off...and somehow move forward. I understand what you are going through SO much Jess. Know that I keep you in my prayers. I love you!!!

Katie @ Loverly She said...

wow - all the best to you Jessah. I'll be following along to see how things turn out. Hope you have lots of peace in the meantime :)

Lissa said...

I'm a new follower, but I've been to this place (different path and different circumstances) and I can only say I hope that today goes are such strong woman to go through this and admit your feelings!


shay said...

Good luck with the dr. I'll say a prayer that you can move onto IVF!

Lauren said...

Keep us posted on everything that's going on... I will be thinking of you!

Mariel Collins said...

Praying for you guys! How sweet that you all send each other socks:) I am now following you can't wait to hear more from your journey!

Jennifer said...

I'm glad that you have found peace with a decision - you know you're in our prayers! Lots of love, hugs, and luck to you friend!

makeyourownluckblog said...

Your post just gave me chills... IVF is such a big step but hopefully it will all be worth it. Good luck! Hope you have no cysts and get the green light to start next cycle.

Aspgriswold said...

LOVE the socks!!! So, so happy that y'all are moving forward with a plan. Ooooo I can't wait to cheer you on!!!

Marianna Dunn said...

I know exciting isn't the right word....but it is exciting finally being able to know something. Limbo is not a very fun place to be. You'll definitely be in my prayers!

Also, I am in love with those socks and extremely disappointed I missed that swap... :(

Erin said...

This is an exciting announcement. I'm glad I'm joining in on our journey and will be sending you lots o positive thoughts and well wishes!

Andrea said...

Wishing you all the best! I understand the lack of excitement. IVF is a difficult process and there is nothing fun about it. But the rewards can be so great and I really hope that's the case for you!

Erica Franks said...

I hope your appointment went well today. Keeping you in my thoughts.


EndoJoanna said...

Thinking of you and A as you embark on this new journey together. It will be hard, but you are a strong lady and you have many people hoping and praying for the absolute best for you. Sending much love and support (((hugs)))

Angela said...

Feeling that peace is what brought sanity back into my world for me. I am so glad you're feeling ready for this. You're right, excited isn't the right word. I will be praying for you lots.

Whitney@SomethingBroughtYouHere said...

Interested to see how your appointment went. We did IVF. It is overwhelming and can be a little scary but oh so worth it. If you have any questions please feel free to email me.

Melanie Schultz said...

I am very happy you are doing IVF. Hold your head up high. Have faith. Pray. Have faith. It can be stressful but don't let it be. Have faith. Record every moment. Have faith. Ask questions. Have faith. Take care of you. Have faith. Have fun with it. And most of all....have faith :) You have a fellow IVFer here if you need ANYTHING. Even a little faith :)

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...

I am so, so excited for you! I've been a reader for awhile and don't comment often, but every time I see a new post on your blog in my reader, I get excited that it's some kind of baby-related news! I'll be sending a million prayers your way!!

Blogging tips