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Friday, August 10, 2012

Just Under the Surface



Most days, I do a good job of just living my life and not fixating on my infertility. I'm a determined and tenacious person. When I set my mind to something, I am usually able to accomplish it. This is probably why I hate that I can't always cover my pain, wish it away, be strong enough to bury it deep so that no one sees it.

Every once in a while, the pain, sadness, disappointment creeps up and I can't contain it. Usually when I'm least expecting it. Like tonight, when hubby and I got into an argument related to our infertility. It's times like these that I am forced to face what we 're going through, and I break wide open. All of my tender wounds become exposed. I had to go into the spare bedroom (which is supposed to be the nursery) so that I could cry for hours without keeping him awake.

And infertility even haunted me in my dreams. I dreamt that I was at a party and one of my friend's husbands asked when everyone was going to have kids so that his kids will have someone to play with. I walked out of the room and into the bathroom to hide my tears. I woke up crying.

I hate this. I don't want to be this sensitive. I just want to enjoy my life and be happy. Please God let this stage in my life end soon!

**The above post was written about a year ago but never posted. Reading these words transports me right back to those trying times and makes me realize how grateful I am to be in a better place now emotionally. However, it makes my heart hurt for so many of my infertility friends that fill my feed who are still living in this very lonely, sad place. 

Our situation has not changed. We are still childless. But by adjusting the way I think about my life and our unfortunate circumstances, I've released myself from these feelings of despair and hopelessness. No one except Him knows if we will ever be parents, but one thing is certain....this is the only life each of us will ever live.

My wish is that we can all find it in ourselves to choose joy daily. I say this knowing how incredibily difficult it can be at times. That we may find the strength to smile, laugh and dance despite the cloud of infertility that threatens to keep us in the dark.

12 comments:

Mrs. H said...

I'm glad that you are able to choose joy daily. My hope is that you will one day complete your family as your heart desires.

Leslie Harris said...

this is such a powerful post. It sort of leaves me speechless. I'm glad you're moving into a better emotional place, but it's sad for me to think of those other women, you haven't. You're right. All we have is today... And I like to believe that things turn out in the end. Thanks for sharing this.
Leslie (aka Gwen Moss)

AMY MICHELE said...

I agree this is a very powerful post, and something anyone who has battled infertility can relate too. I used to ask my friends to call & tell me they were pg - so that I could hang up & cry. I would call them back 20 min later & say congrats. It was so hard at first but now I jump up & joy with you the moment you find out. It's all about finding a way to deal with it & become a stronger person.
I'm glad you are in a better place with this. :)

Infertile625 said...

Thank you

Jennifer said...

I love that you shared this. Even a year later, it is so relevant to your journey and to the journey others are experiencing in their own unique way. I think with every challenge and heartbreak we face in life, we do have that choice - the choice to move forward with Faith, vs. the choice to remain stagnant in despair. For everyone I believe it is a choice, but for some it will be a much greater obstacle than for others. I'm so glad that you have found a way to work through those feelings and find a better place to live in. Only God knows what is in store for you, and I pray that He continues to help you along this path - wherever it may lead. :) Hugs....

Becky said...

Beautiful post! I think it is a true gift to reach a level of peace when you're going through a struggle like infertility. I think most people feel isolated and in dispair and I'm so glad you've been able to rise above that! I too have learned to choose joy daily...it's hard at times but ultimately has left me with such a sense of peace about where we're at with our infertility. For that, I am grateful!

Anonymous said...

RS: I am SO glad I stumbled upon your site. I am battling with the same thoughts and life you are. I feel so alone sometimes as ALL my friends have babies... upon babies... i have my days as well. and I hope you know your words make a difference :)

RS said...

I am SO glad i stumbled upon your site. I have been going through the same motions as you and trying to remain positive, I definitely have my moments, and as I read your blog, it made me feel like I am not as alone as I thought. ALL my friends are popping babies out like crazy, and my heart sinks deeper and deeper, but I am trying to find that beaken of light. Trying to remain strong, and these sites REALLY help... :)

AguiLeon said...

hello there followed your GFC thank's

Lisamarie said...

Hi there.... I am so glad I found your blog. My sister dealt with infertility for years so I can somewhat understand your pain from a bystanders prospective. You are such a beautiful girl and I hope everything works out for you!

paulsgirl1297 said...

I know those feelings all too well ! My stomach just churned when I read on facebook that another cousin is pregnant..I went into the bathroom set on the side of the tub prepared to stop the tears and anxiety I as sure were coming, i prayed for god to take this jealous why her and not me feeling away..Then I had to take deep breaths and prepare myself to go and congratulate them ....and be happy --cause i am happy for her she is a great mom .

Angela said...

I just found your blog through someone I follow on Twitter. Your words really strike with me as my husband and I find ourselves in this situation. Thank you for having the courage to publish such private emotions.

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