Friday, August 10, 2012
Just Under the Surface
Most days, I do a good job of just living my life and not fixating on my infertility. I'm a determined and tenacious person. When I set my mind to something, I am usually able to accomplish it. This is probably why I hate that I can't always cover my pain, wish it away, be strong enough to bury it deep so that no one sees it.
Every once in a while, the pain, sadness, disappointment creeps up and I can't contain it. Usually when I'm least expecting it. Like tonight, when hubby and I got into an argument related to our infertility. It's times like these that I am forced to face what we 're going through, and I break wide open. All of my tender wounds become exposed. I had to go into the spare bedroom (which is supposed to be the nursery) so that I could cry for hours without keeping him awake.
And infertility even haunted me in my dreams. I dreamt that I was at a party and one of my friend's husbands asked when everyone was going to have kids so that his kids will have someone to play with. I walked out of the room and into the bathroom to hide my tears. I woke up crying.
I hate this. I don't want to be this sensitive. I just want to enjoy my life and be happy. Please God let this stage in my life end soon!
**The above post was written about a year ago but never posted. Reading these words transports me right back to those trying times and makes me realize how grateful I am to be in a better place now emotionally. However, it makes my heart hurt for so many of my infertility friends that fill my feed who are still living in this very lonely, sad place.
Our situation has not changed. We are still childless. But by adjusting the way I think about my life and our unfortunate circumstances, I've released myself from these feelings of despair and hopelessness. No one except Him knows if we will ever be parents, but one thing is certain....this is the only life each of us will ever live.
My wish is that we can all find it in ourselves to choose joy daily. I say this knowing how incredibily difficult it can be at times. That we may find the strength to smile, laugh and dance despite the cloud of infertility that threatens to keep us in the dark.