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Thursday, June 14, 2012

believing in fairy tales



Believing that I can get pregnant without assistance is starting to feel a little like believing in fairy tales. The positive, innocent, hopeful part of me thinks that it is absolutely possible. I just have to be patient, remain hopeful and believe.

However, the piece of me that has been down this road before...month after month, year after year is quite cynical and thinks "yeah right, it's never going to happen that way for you". It is such a tiring, old conversation that I have inside myself every month. Sounds something like this...

Maybe this is the month. We tried to conceive after a vacation this cycle so I was relaxed. And I haven't really been thinking about it during the two week wait so that's good. I really feel tired and all the symptoms are there. Maybe. Just maybe, I'm pregnant this time.
Despite my best effort to keep it at bay, the fantasy creeps into my mind. The dream that I could become a mother without jabbing myself daily with needles and spending gobs of money on IVF. And days like yesterday, when my period arrives and my hope is extinguished, I feel quite mad at myself for getting my hopes up.

I feel like an adult who still thinks the tooth fairy is real or puts milk and cookies out for Santa Claus. Foolish. The cynical side of me says "I told you not to believe in fairy tales, silly girl." But yet, despite my feelings of anger, foolishness, frustration, and disappointment...I can't bring myself to move onto IVF at the moment.
Part of me still wants to believe that fairy tales are real and they end with happily ever after...

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your 'about me' section says you blog about 'infertility'...yet perhaps it should say, 'my pregnancy' - the one that will surely come, because you've surely imagined it coming - instead.

just a little tip, to rout out anything remotely negative from your vibrations.

Beckie's Infertile said...

It is so hard to let that dream go. It is so natural for us to believe that everything is going to happen, the way it does in fairy tales and for some people it actually does work which frustrates the hell outta me!

This whole process blows, however I am trying to remind myself that fairytales do come true, they just sometimes happen a little differently than we would have imagined.

If I think about it in most fairy tales the characters usually have to go through some struggle to conquer the ultimate prize.

So keep dreaming and wishing because our fairy tales are still is in the making.

Thinking of you!

Shannon Elise said...

So sorry Jess. I know the continued disappointment all too well. But, you are right, you have to keep believing. I know it is so hard. There are no words to relieve you from this pain. Just listen to your heart and it will tell you if and when the time is right for IVF. And fairy tales, dreams, miracles ... whatever you want to call them, come true everyday. I believe in all of them, but most importantly, I believe in you. <3

Deidre said...

Aw, this post is heartbreaking, but I so admire your ability to keep some hope! :(


(PS I grew up with aussie shepherds, I love them!)

EmHart said...

I heart this post. This is exactly how I feel. If I clap my hands and whisper 'I do believe in natural conception, I do believe in natural conception' maybe Tinkerbell and Peter will sprinkle some fairy dust and make it come true. Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing.

Lauren said...

I understand... it can be very hard to let go of the idea that it could happen naturally for you, when it happens so easily for almost everyone else! It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm sorry for another lost cycle:(

Good Timing said...

I love fairy tales too and there's nothing wrong with having a little hope. Try to hang in there, I'm Hoping right along with you!

shay said...

i think the same thing every month. i find out by tuesday, and everyday of waiting is such a mindf*ck.

you wish and hope and pray so much, but at the same time, don't want to be so completely disappointed...

Just know you're not alone in your struggles. :)

jennsastar said...

you know what, this is EXACTLY how i feel month after month...and you know why? its because people always say "oh if you just relax or stop thinking about it, thats when it happens..." or "i know exactly how you feel, i tried for 6 months and when we quit trying, it happened" and i always say "if you werent using protection, then you never really quit trying, and 6 months can never amount to anything ive gone through...but thanks"
you arent alone in your fairy tale, i am right there with you!!!

J and A said...

I'm so sorry Jess. I know EXACTLY how you feel and it never gets easier does it. It takes a very strong person to be hopeful month after month. Thinking of you and sending big hugs. :)

mackenzie said...

hang in there girl. i've been following for a while now and your words help me get through. this sucks and there is no other way around it. believing in fairy tales is difficult when nothing happens month after month, it's hard to keep that faith. i'm in the same boat as you, can't bring myself to move onto IVF. yet i have HOPE, hope for one day. just know you are not alone in this even when it may feel like it... thinking of you!

Leslie Harris said...

The first thing I wanted to do when I read this post was to offer you hopeful words. It's so hard to read about your discouragement. But the truth is, I can't imagine how you feel. I just pray that it happens for you and I hope that it brings you comfort to know that there are so many of us out here who are praying and waiting along with you. Leslie (aka Gwen Moss blog)

Sybil said...

So sorry. Keep believing!!

Mrs. H said...

I know exactly how you feel its so hard to let the dream go when you so want everything to happen naturally. I was a bit devastated to realize I had to go this route especially cause I thought I'm in my mid 30s I'm young, its hard to hear a doctor say "ahem...errr you're not that young".
But now that everything is coming together I'm starting to realize that my dream is going to come true even if the beginning is a little bit different from everyone else's. Because in the end my dream is to have a healthy baby or two.
Don't stop believing in your dream and don't be discouraged if your road is less conventional. Sometimes you have to take the road less travelled.

Samantha said...

You should just enjoy the present because when you're busy making plans that is when life happens!!! Get busy with your husband and just love it! For now, and always pray! <3 I love you BLOG buddY!

Alicia said...

Awww, so sorry about AF. What a bummer. I am in the exact same boat you are - this story was oh so familiar. Our journey is a long one - but we will make it to the end with our little babes in arms!

ADSchill said...

Boy do I know this feeling well. Every month is new and fills you with a renewed hope. It's really hard when that hope is dashed over and over.
It's obvious that you aren't ready to move on to IVF and you should most certainly wait until you are. You will know when the time is right. Until then, keep up the hope.

Rod and Alex - aka: "Rolex" said...

Don't give up hope! Sounds like you're taking all the right steps. I'll say a little prayer for you! :)

DandelionBreeze said...

I'm so sorry that I'm so far behind on commenting... I know exactly how you feel. I've always believed in fairy tales and wanted to believe that ours would come true too. I found the thought of moving to IVF really hard... but then when we started, I realised that the anticipation was worse than the real thing. Thinking of you and hope your dreams come true soon... one way or another xoxo

The Not Quite Military Wife said...

I think that you are so inspiring to others who are trying to get pregnant. It takes a lot to share your dreams and true feelings with the world. I hope that one day your dream DOES come true!

Noelle said...

Thank you for your post, it made me cry. It helps to know that others have the same fantasies when waiting for the cycle to begin, followed by the heartbreaking devastation when it does. Sometimes I feel very much alone in my frustration. I should read your blog more often, it makes me feel normal again.

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