Three days ago, I turned 35. It's a birthday I expected would be difficult. I thought I'd feel sad because I'm now in my mid thirties and still no baby. But it wasn't hard at all. As I sit in front of a roaring fire in our rented cabin in Mammoth, I'm at peace. Not sure how long this feeling will last but that's how I feel at the moment. And this moment is all that matters.
My birthday was not dreadful at all because I was surrounded by love and friendship. And somehow, that
Obsessing and trying to control hasn't done me any good. Instead, I'm just going to have faith in God's plan for me. To my dismay, that plan didn't include becoming a mother at age 31, 34 or any of the years in between. But I believe that I will become a mother someday. Or I will find the strength somewhere within me to live a happy, fulfilled childless life. These are the only two options.
At 35, I resolve to live the best life possible. This is the only life that I get. That's it. Although I want a baby more than anything...I can't waste another day with tears, sadness and frustratation. It won't get me any closer to what I want which is to live a happy, joyful life...filled with laughter, friendship and love. If I focus too much on my unfulfilled desire to become a mother, I will surely miss out on all of the beauty and adventures that life has to offer.