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Monday, May 28, 2012

Turning 35



Three days ago, I turned 35. It's a birthday I expected would be difficult. I thought I'd feel sad because I'm now in my mid thirties and still no baby. But it wasn't hard at all. As I sit in front of a roaring fire in our rented cabin in Mammoth, I'm at peace. Not sure how long this feeling will last but that's how I feel at the moment. And this moment is all that matters.

My birthday was not dreadful at all because I was surrounded by love and friendship. And somehow, that was is enough. The people who love me managed to fill my heart so full that I didn't have room to focus on my unborn child. The child who lives in my heart. The one that I've hoped and prayed we would conceive. The one I wish for every year when I blow out my birthday candles. Maybe my thirty fifth year is the one in which I will meet my child. I hope so. But in the meantime, I'm okay. I never thought I'd find myself in a space to say (and truly believe)...whatever will be, will be.

Obsessing and trying to control hasn't done me any good. Instead, I'm just going to have faith in God's plan for me. To my dismay, that plan didn't include becoming a mother at age 31, 34 or any of the years in between. But I believe that I will become a mother someday. Or I will find the strength somewhere within me to live a happy, fulfilled childless life. These are the only two options.

At 35, I resolve to live the best life possible. This is the only life that I get. That's it. Although I want a baby more than anything...I can't waste another day with tears, sadness and frustratation. It won't get me any closer to what I want which is to live a happy, joyful life...filled with laughter, friendship and love. If I focus too much on my unfulfilled desire to become a mother, I will surely miss out on all of the beauty and adventures that life has to offer.

21 comments:

Toni Rapp said...

I love your outlook on your birthday. My 35th was a little hard on me. This year I will be 37 and have decided to take it in stride. According to my doctor all of the reproductive organs are working so I will keep marching forward :)

Happy belated birthday :)

Infertile625 said...

Happy Birthday! Your positivity inspires me.

mommy someday said...

Happy Birthday! Great post - "I resolve to live the best life possible." All we can do, especially when dealing with IF. Best wishes!

Sybil said...

Love this! So glad that you enjoyed your birthday!!

Samantha said...

YAY 35!!! such an accomplishment! ENJOY ALL OF YOUR BLESSINGS!

Faith said...

Happy Birthday! You have a beautiful spirit. I pray that this year is it!

Lauren said...

Happy birthday! I'm glad you feel at peace:)

DandelionBreeze said...

Happy birthday hun... love your positive outlook and love of life xoxo

ellen-thishive. said...

hi there - new to your blog & i so appreciate the comment on mine. i am extremely new to the blogging world!

happy belated birthday! youre faith in the Lord is truly admirable. we make plans and God laughs.. thats all there is to say. hang in there, ill be thinking of you!

so very happy to have found your blog.
xox

Katie said...

happy birthday!! you have such a great attitude and it is encouraging! praying that this year brings a big blessing!!

Amber Young said...

Happy belated birthday. I love your perspective. You can't go wrong when you put your faith in God and go along with His plan - after all... He knows best. :) I'll pray for you!

Laura said...

Happy birthday! Thank you, thank you for the reminder to live life to the fullest!

sass @ (In)fertility Unexplained said...

Happy birthday! I hope this year is filled with many wonderful things for you.

Mrs. H said...

Feels so good to hear your peaceful resolve for your birthday.

daysofserenity said...

Surrender is a hard thing. However, looks like you learned what I did, that surrender is what brings the peace. Happy Birthday!

Good Timing said...

Happy birthday! Here's to a fab year ahead. I love your positive outlook. Que sera sera! :)

Heather @ A Little Hope in My Pocket said...

Happy Birthday! Thankful for the peace you have and praying that this year will be one of joy... no matter what it brings.

Kristin said...

Happy belated, praying for that baby

LC said...

Happy 35th Birthday!! I hope this is a year full of fun, friends, family and true bliss. Your outlook is so good---life is about enjoying every moment. Here's to your birthday!!

Maria said...

happy belated birthday <3
thank you so much for your kind words. i'm so happy to come to your blog and read your words of hope.
i'm looking forward to following your journey and will be keeping the faith right along with you. <3
lots of love
xox
maria

Inga said...

I found this post when I googled 35th birthday. Mine is coming up. It made me soft and I hope with all my heart you ´ll have your sweet baby soon.

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