- I've been super busy at work and haven't had much time to think or write.
- I've been trying not to think about trying to conceive (TTC) during the next couple months. If I write about it, that means that I'm thinking about it and drudging up all the emotions that come with that.
- I'm scared that June is fast approaching and I won't be completely ready to do IVF
I am far more ready than I've ever been BUT...I have so many fears surrounding doing my one and only IVF cycle (A and I have decided that we can only put ourselves through it once). Do you really ever feel completely ready to put your mind, body and finances through the ringer? Let me tell you a little more about my fears...
My insurance doesn't cover IVF at all so we will have to pay out of pocket for the drugs and procedure. We have been saving for a while so fortunately we have the money. But it is almost our entire savings. I'm not a gambler so spending over $15,000 for a roughly 50% chance of success is beyond frightening. That's like putting down $15k on red or black at a roulette table in a casino. Might get lucky...might not. That's crazy to me!
I'm scared of needles. Like really scared of needles. I faint when I get a shot or give blood. I start to hyperventilate. It's not pretty. The thought of giving myself daily shots for several weeks makes me break out in a cold sweat with anxiety. I'm scared that all of the hormones being injected into my body will make my emotions go all haywire. I'm scared of the bruising and the pain from the shots. I'm scared of being put under general anesthesia for the egg retrieval. I'm scared of not producing enough eggs or any normal eggs. I'm scared of getting ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) and being in severe pain and hospitalized. But most of all, I'm scared of my body failing me and the embryo not implanting and finding out the IVF cycle failed.
My biggest fear is that I will put myself and my marriage through all of this and still end up childless. I'll be left with a ravaged body, broken heart and empty bank account. Some of the other things that are extremely difficult to come to terms with are the unnatural choices that you are forced to make when embarking on IVF. What if we only transfer two embryos and neither of them implant? I'll always wonder if we should have opted for three. What if we transfer three and all three take. It would be a huge risk for me and the babies to carry the pregnancy. But how could I ever selectively reduce? To choose a baby that we've tried everything to conceive and end its life.
And if all goes well and the IVF is a success, what do we do with the rest of our embryos? A and I have always wanted just one healthy baby. So what about our embabies? We don't want to give them away, kill them or freeze them forever. There are no good options and these aren't decisions that people normally have to make.
Those are the reasonable concerns and fears. Then I have the unreasonable ones...what if I do conceive and the IVF causes health problems down the line for the child? What if mine and my husband's genes aren't compatible and natural selection is trying to keep us from procreating? What if I end up getting some crazy cancer from all of the drugs I inject into my body? What if we aren't meant to be parents and I'm trying to play God?
I turn 35 this summer. 35. The turning point for infertility patients. After 35, you are considered high risk. You are put into a different success percentage category. And for us...we don't feel like we can continue in limbo like this much longer. We need to have some resolution. So, if I'm going to do this...I better quit dragging my feet. But I'm so petrified.