Saturday, January 21, 2012

2 Week Wait

We have entered the two week wait. Any woman who has tried to conceive a child knows that it can be brutal. You fixate on EVERY single thing that is happening to your body. Cramps. Fatigue. Nausea. Excess hunger. Tender breasts. Enlarged breasts. Tingling in your breasts. You look for spotting. Any sign that implantation has occurred. Meanwhile, time seems to drag on excruciatingly slow. 14 days seems unfathomable.

Each month, I tell myself “whatever will be, will be” and “try not to think out about it”. If only it were that easy. As if I could ever stop thinking about how much I want this to be the month that the test reads positive.

I’d tell you that this month I won’t cry if I am not pregnant. This is what I have told myself every month for the past 36 months. But I would be lying. It’s easier to lie to myself then it is to lie to all of you. So, I won’t. I will pick up that little stick. The stick that will tell me whether my life will change forever or stay pretty much the same. If it reads negative, I will throw it in the trash, get in the shower and cry. Cry until the feelings of sadness and disappointment subside enough for me to get through the rest of my day. And if it reads positive…well, I can’t tell you what I will do because I have never been in that position before.

Every cycle, I walk a fine line between hopefulness and fear. Fear of never becoming a mother. Never knowing what it would be like to hold my baby in my arms, to see its beautiful face, to hear it cry or giggle. You want to believe that this could be the month that you don’t have to read another NEGATIVE. But you also need to protect your heart from the disappointment that part of you is certain will come. It is a very difficult balance. 

But in the end, the only choice I have is faith. Faith that the stick will read the ever allusive words…positive. Faith that God has a plan for my life that I may not understand right now. Faith that it just hasn’t been my baby’s time to come into this world. Faith that with modern technology…I will become a mother some day. Just faith.



Tracy-Girl @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

I always think about you during this time - Jess. You have so much strength and character from everything you've gone through! Your time IS coming... I believe!

Kristin said...

Hang in there girl!!

Shannon Elise said...

In trying to get PG, I don't think there is anything worse than the dreaded 2WW. I have gone through it do many times and shed so many tears. I have cursed my body for making me believe time and time again that my dream had come true. Sending copious amounts of baby dust your way Jess. May your 2WW end in those beautiful dimples.

Anonymous said...

love you!!!!! -ange

Samantha said...

I added your button to my blog. You are so inspiring. Just let go of your stress and give it to God...and enjoy making love! hahah!

Anonymous said...

I know your pain too well :-(
We never did get a a diagnosis other than "unexplained infertility" and still can't believe with all the technology they can't figure it out.
We are so glad for the love of our birth mother and can't imagine a more beautiful special daughter than our Millie.
There is hope ... I hate that you have to go through this pain because unless you have gone through it you can't comprehend the pain (I wouldn't wish this on my wort enemy). It is encouraging that you have a diagnosis!
I am here if you need a shoulder.Carol xx

Anonymous said...

Jessica, I had no idea you were struggling in this way. Thank you for reaching out and letting us in on your journey and experiences during this time. I will be praying that you get good news soon!

Lisa said...

As we've said, Jess..."we'll have babies someday, it's just a matter of how, when, and how much $!" Even though I now have my two little medical miracles, I never, not for one second, take for granted the emotional toll it took to get here (notice I deliberately didn't mention the physical's merely a drop in the bucket compared to what happens to your heart). I know what it's like to resent every preggo you see, want to punch them when they bitch about morning sickness or tiredness (cuz you'd trade shoes with them in a heartbeat), and have the happiness in your relationship be hanging by a thread from the stress and consumption of wondering if and when it'll ever happen for you. And as good-intentioned and sincere as their concern may be, people who don't have personal experience with infertility and tell you "I understand what you're going through"...really don't. I think this blog is a brilliant idea- surely comforting to those going through the same issue, insightful for those who are not, and hopefully therapeutic for you! I love you honey...always wish you nothing but the happy ending!

Ashley said...

Ugh. I hate the 2WW. I hated how each month my life felt like it was on hold for 2 weeks! *hugs*

ADSchill said...

I found you through another blog and wanted to say hello and welcome to blog-land.
This community is more helpful than any other I have encountered in this TTC process. Infertility is such an isolating and heartbreaking thing to go through that having support from women who understand is invaluable.
I plan on being there to help as much as I can. It took me 2 years to get pregnant and I lost those little lives after only 20 weeks. Now I am back where I started and looking for a different kind of support. Those same women are still with me, no matter their stage of IF.
Good luck with this TWW, I know how hard it is.
Come see me @ MissConception -

Still hoping said...

Hoping for good news for you soon girl! Its an emotional roller-coaster that we try to prepare ourselves for and yet we never seem completely ready for the outcome.

Thanks for your comment and following my blog, ill be following along with you too!!

Sarah @Newlywed and Decorating said...

Praying for you, girl! I hope that all your dreams come true in the right time and that that is very soon!

Heather said...

Just found your blog through a comment you posted on another site - I'm new to the blog world too! Anyway - I know how tough the two week wait can be - excruciating at best! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that this is your time!

J and A said...

Wow I couldn't have said it better myself. Great post - again!!

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