We have entered the two week wait. Any woman who has tried to conceive a child knows that it can be brutal. You fixate on EVERY single thing that is happening to your body. Cramps. Fatigue. Nausea. Excess hunger. Tender breasts. Enlarged breasts. Tingling in your breasts. You look for spotting. Any sign that implantation has occurred. Meanwhile, time seems to drag on excruciatingly slow. 14 days seems unfathomable.
Each month, I tell myself “whatever will be, will be” and “try not to think out about it”. If only it were that easy. As if I could ever stop thinking about how much I want this to be the month that the test reads positive.
I’d tell you that this month I won’t cry if I am not pregnant. This is what I have told myself every month for the past 36 months. But I would be lying. It’s easier to lie to myself then it is to lie to all of you. So, I won’t. I will pick up that little stick. The stick that will tell me whether my life will change forever or stay pretty much the same. If it reads negative, I will throw it in the trash, get in the shower and cry. Cry until the feelings of sadness and disappointment subside enough for me to get through the rest of my day. And if it reads positive…well, I can’t tell you what I will do because I have never been in that position before.
Every cycle, I walk a fine line between hopefulness and fear. Fear of never becoming a mother. Never knowing what it would be like to hold my baby in my arms, to see its beautiful face, to hear it cry or giggle. You want to believe that this could be the month that you don’t have to read another NEGATIVE. But you also need to protect your heart from the disappointment that part of you is certain will come. It is a very difficult balance.
But in the end, the only choice I have is faith. Faith that the stick will read the ever allusive words…positive. Faith that God has a plan for my life that I may not understand right now. Faith that it just hasn’t been my baby’s time to come into this world. Faith that with modern technology…I will become a mother some day. Just faith.