Monday, January 30, 2012

I got 99 problems and progesterone is one

Oh progesterone! It's a tricky little thing. It causes your breasts to become ridiculously sore and your emotions to register off the charts. Every month that I use progesterone, I become convinced that "it" worked because of all the pregnancy-like symptoms that the drug causes. Yet, a few days later I get the dreaded visit from aunt flow. Not this month. I refuse to be a victim of the progesterone prank. Only 3 more days of waiting and then the verdict will be in. Until then, I am cautiously optimistic but not convinced.

While we are on the subject of progesterone, I think my poor husband is probably about ready to say "sayonara crazy lady" because I have been crying at the drop of a hat. Yesterday A told me that "he'd rather take the drugs himself than live with a woman taking fertility drugs." Believe me, I wish he could take them for me too. If the doctor orders us back on clomid next month, A might start looking for a room to rent!  For Reals.

And what's up with the lovely delivery system? Suppositories. Goopy, creamy, cold insertable medication that prevents you from being able to roll over in bed at night without losing your drugs. Come on pharma peeps, you can do better than this!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I go places that I never dreamed I could...

Books take me on adventures around the world, allow me to travel though time, and teach me all kinds of different things. I love books! My mom will tell you that I was an avid reader before I could even talk. There is nothing more satisfying than reading a really good book and sharing it with others.

Two years ago, I started a little book club in my area. After putting the group on, it has grown so large (57 book divas) that we had to close it to new members. I can't even tell you how many wonderful women are part of this group. We have shared so many stories and laughs over delicious meals and of course...drank lots and lots of wine. These lovely ladies have become some of my closest friends and confidants. Books may just be powerful enough to bind people.

A few of the lovely ladies

In celebration of books, I put together a list of the best books that our group read in 2011. Hope you enjoy them as much as we did.

1. Before I Go to Sleep by S.J. Watson
2. Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
3. Room by Emma Donoghue
4. The Dressmaker from Khair Kana by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon
5. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
6. Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls

What is the last great book that you read? Happy reading!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

2 Week Wait

We have entered the two week wait. Any woman who has tried to conceive a child knows that it can be brutal. You fixate on EVERY single thing that is happening to your body. Cramps. Fatigue. Nausea. Excess hunger. Tender breasts. Enlarged breasts. Tingling in your breasts. You look for spotting. Any sign that implantation has occurred. Meanwhile, time seems to drag on excruciatingly slow. 14 days seems unfathomable.

Each month, I tell myself “whatever will be, will be” and “try not to think out about it”. If only it were that easy. As if I could ever stop thinking about how much I want this to be the month that the test reads positive.

I’d tell you that this month I won’t cry if I am not pregnant. This is what I have told myself every month for the past 36 months. But I would be lying. It’s easier to lie to myself then it is to lie to all of you. So, I won’t. I will pick up that little stick. The stick that will tell me whether my life will change forever or stay pretty much the same. If it reads negative, I will throw it in the trash, get in the shower and cry. Cry until the feelings of sadness and disappointment subside enough for me to get through the rest of my day. And if it reads positive…well, I can’t tell you what I will do because I have never been in that position before.

Every cycle, I walk a fine line between hopefulness and fear. Fear of never becoming a mother. Never knowing what it would be like to hold my baby in my arms, to see its beautiful face, to hear it cry or giggle. You want to believe that this could be the month that you don’t have to read another NEGATIVE. But you also need to protect your heart from the disappointment that part of you is certain will come. It is a very difficult balance. 

But in the end, the only choice I have is faith. Faith that the stick will read the ever allusive words…positive. Faith that God has a plan for my life that I may not understand right now. Faith that it just hasn’t been my baby’s time to come into this world. Faith that with modern technology…I will become a mother some day. Just faith.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Little guy

I'd like to introduce y'all to the sunshine in my life, my fur baby, LG. We affectionately refer to him as "little guy" or "LG" for short. LG is a male Australian Shepherd and he is ridiculously smart. Sometimes I wonder if he is part human.

LG ready to hit the slopes in Lake Tahoe for a day of snowshoeing

LG was a special surprise for A's 30th birthday. I scoured breeders' websites throughout the state trying to find just the right puppy. Ultimately, my aunt found LG at a breeder in San Jose called Ivoryisle. We adopted him almost 6 years ago and I couldn't have even imagined how much I would come to love him.

LG at 9 weeks old

Although I am bias, I think that LG has the best temperament of any aussie that I've ever met. He is such a lover and so sweet. Struggling with infertility these last few years, there have been many tearful, disappointing days. Thankfully LG knows the best way to cheer me up - a snuggle session. It seems that he can sense when I am down and he just lays beside me and let's me hold him.

I never fancied myself a dog person. But LG has certainly changed that. Everyday that we have with him is a blessing!
I mean seriously! How could you not fall in love with this face?

My Mittelschmertz Hurts

So many women look at me like I have two heads when I say that I am having mittelschmertz pain. Most people have never heard that term.  Some ladies admit they have noticed pain or cramping mid-cycle but didn't know it had a name.  
It does!

Mittelschmertz (it's German for middle-pain) is just feeling ovulation. Some women feel it and some don't. It's usually one-sided pain (and it changes sides depending on which side ovulates).  It can be quite helpful when trying to conceive because you know exactly when you are ovulating.  I am ovulating now. At this very moment. From my right side. And it hurts. Sleep, forget it. This pain will last for roughly 6 hours and it is usually too uncomfortable for me to get any rest. 
Apparently only 20% of women experience this pain.  
Do you get mittelschmertz?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Boys and Their Toys

Before I even officially met A, I was told that the boy loves dirt bikes. Like, I mean LOVES them. He has been riding since he was four years old and can be found on the motocross track when he is not at work fighting fires (or injured from riding). I guess this makes me a "motowife" which has its challenges, for sure! For starters, motocross is a very expensive hobby especially when A has to have the newest, best EVERYTHING. And he spends all his free time out playing in the dirt. Luckily, I am a busy girl and enjoy my free time.

But the toughest part is that he gets injured a lot. People ask me all the time if A is a crappy rider because he always crashes. Answer: No. He is actually quite good but he is fearless and competitive and continues to challenge himself to hit bigger jumps, race faster, and so on. His injuries since we have been together include a broken hand, broken and dislocated ankles, broken tibia and broken scapula. Oh ya, and he was hospitalized for pancreatitis due to trauma. None of this compares to what he put me through a few weeks ago. Broken and dislocated clavicle, 7 broken ribs, two collapsed lungs, contusion and 2 lacerations to his left lung. The hospital transported him by ambulance to a nearby trauma hospital and admitted him to the ICU.
Hospitalized for pancreatitis

That first night, I hardly slept and prayed that he would fully recover from his injuries. It was the first time I realized that I could lose him to this crazy sport that he loves. After a few days, A was discharged from the hospital and came home to be nursed back to health by his lovely wife (that’s me). He is on the mend and will make a full recovery. Meanwhile, I have to listen to his griping about how bored he is and how he wants to go ride (like tomorrow). Um…that ain’t gonna happen. 

Is he done riding? Has he learned his lesson yet? No and no. Riding dirt bikes fulfills A in a way that I can’t even fully comprehend. He will literally ride no matter the cost. That is a scary prospect because I don’t want to see him in a wheelchair or worse. 

Passion is something that many people lack in their lives. A is one of the lucky ones because he found his passion early in life. Because riding means everything to him, I have no choice but to continue to support him even though sometimes it makes me cry and want to pull my hair out!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Diagnosis

After going through all of the unpleasant infertility tests and disappointing failed natural, medicated (5) and IUI cycles (3), we finally have some kind of answer. 
Stage II/III endometriosis.

For those of you that don't know what that is. Endometriosis is a reproductive and immunological disease. It is a leading cause of pelvic pain, hysterectomy and female infertility. The average delay in diagnosis is a staggering 9 years because the disease can only be diagnosed definitively via gynecologic surgery.

Although, it doesn’t feel good being told that you have an incurable disease that is hindering your dreams of becoming a mother, at least it’s an explanation. With all of the advanced medical technology, being labeled with “unexplained infertility” seemed crazy. You think…all these tests and we still don’t know what the problem is. They say “knowing is half the battle” so now we know. The evil endometriosis was removed via laser during my laparoscopy last week. Although it will grow back little by little every month. So now is our best chance for natural conception. 
Better get to it!


Monday, January 16, 2012

Dreaming of Dimples

Why did I name my blog, Dreaming of Dimples, you ask?
 Well, when I was a little girl, I really wished that I had dimples. Always dramatic, I used to walk around the house poking my cheeks with my fingers informing everyone that “I am giving myself dimples”. 

So, when I met A and laid eyes on his adorable dimples (well, they are really dimple-like wrinkles that I coined “dinkles”), I fell in love immediately. After the courtship, two engagements (more on that later) and wedding – we decided to start a family. 

My hope was that I would have a healthy little baby with A’s dimples. I learned the hard way that babies don’t come just because you decide to start trying to make them. Our infertility journey started over 3 years ago and has been a very bumpy road. Someday I hope to hold a little boy or girl in my arms and see my husband's face. Until then..I will continue dreaming of dimples.

us in the first month of dating
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